If you were the best person in the world at some remote, inane thing, would you brag about it to others? Could you go up to a girl in a bar and say, "yeah, I took first at the Yo-Yo World Championships," or "nobody crochets a better handbag than me. Nobody." Would you even want to aspire to be the World's Best WAHL Beard Trimmer User? I'd think it's a hell of a burden, personally. I wouldn't want everyone coming up to me asking for advice on how to make the perfect hand-shaped Turkey. It's a gift and a curse, and frankly, I'd just like to enjoy my dinner.
Also, because there is no international body to deny the fact, I officially declare myself the greatest person to never like sandals. I hate them, and deserve a prize for it. So there we go. The business cards will be ready next Tuesday.
While watching a Costa Rica/Mexico soccer match on Univision (yeah, it's official - I'm part of the US soccer loving cult), there was a commercial for the US Marines. In Spanish. Well, if you can make it over our giant, electronic, killer-bee infested, camouflaged super fence, I guess you can go invade other countries. We're not entirely sure that we want you as citizens, but we'd be mighty pleased if you'd die for our cause, thanks.
When acting like Rome, fall as the Romans did.
I saw a bumper sticker the other day. If you are an incredibly avid and dedicated reader, you would know of my post of middling entertainment value on how I hate those things so. Well, I found one that takes the cake, and no, it isn't "I'M PROUD OF MY CHILD EVEN IF THEY DON'T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL!" We're all excited for you, your clear distinction that your child isn't intelligent, and that you are simply doing your job as a parent: being proud of your kid. Anyway, I saw a bumper sticker that went like this:
I have to agree with this statement. We do need to stand up to aggression. Cause aggression...man, fuck aggression. Always coming up here and doing shit to us. And do we fight back? No. Aggression just mops the floor with us. Well, we’re not going to stand for that any longer. Starting today, I say we go to war with Aggression. That cocky fuck has had it coming for a long time.
On the way to New York, I saw another sticker relative to the one above. Yes, God May Show You Mercy....
Why is it that in every sports game the goalie is indestructible? For whatever reason, the people who are obviously the biggest pussies and the easiest targets have superhuman powers. In any of the EA Sports NHL games dating back to 93, you touch a goalie and you're sent backwards like he's a master of the Force. Try and go after a goalie in a soccer game and 98% of the time your player reacts like they were quickly shanked like they're playing in Rikers.
Girls utilize the word "love" far, far too much. They use it all the time. When they have a boyfriend, they constantly tell everyone (we all suffer, not just the poor schmuck boyfriend) how much they love them, putting it all over their aways or stupid facebook statuses. They love shoes, they love puppies, they love skirts, they love gum, they don't love badgers (poor li'l guys), but man do they love shitty musicians. Why can't they simply "like" things? They always go straight to LIKE like. No wonder some girls are never satisfied in a relationship; you can't love boys like they love a new Coach bag. We have far less room to pack things in.
The thing with Satan is that he's always been named Lucifer. Always, of course, includes his time as a God-abiding angel. Isn't it weird to think that at one point Lucifer was as nice a name as Michael or David? Now whenever we hear Lucifer we think of lakes of fire, Dante's Inferno, Gerald Ford and the like. What if Lucifer was instead named Lollipop? We'd have the same exact reaction as we do now to Lucifer and we'd never know how silly we were being. "The Prince of Darkness is actually named after those lovable sweets on a stick. You know, Lucifers! (Say from Charms!)"
Finally, there was a piece of news from a while back that I would like to touch on, which I call the "George Bluth Rule," NO TOUCHING!!!. Yes, it has come to this: Kilmer Middle School in Vienna, VA has decided to ban touching. Of any sorts. Ever. From the Principal, "You get into shades of gray," Hernandez said. "The kids say, 'If he can high-five, then I can do this.' " It's the best known use of the Broken Window theory I've ever seen. If one can high five, or throw a pound, and it goes unmonitored, what is stopping that boy to next time rape and slaughter his fellow 13-year-olds?
Why do people in positions of authority have such a problem using it in a proper and constructive way? More from the article, and more from the Principal, "She has seen a poke escalate into a fight and a handshake that is a gang sign. Some students -- and these are friends -- play "bloody knuckles," which involves slamming their knuckles together as hard as they can. Counselors have heard from girls who are uncomfortable hugging boys but embarrassed to tell anyone. And in a culturally diverse school, officials say, families might have different views of what is appropriate."
Hmmm, as if pokes don't escalate into fights anywhere but as a teenager, that stopping gang signs might just stop gang violence (which side is he on? hell, which side am I on? who knows anymore with this wacky no-gang-handshake situation!), or that people haven't played Bloody Knuckles. Dear god, they're being stupid teenagers. But instead of trying to weed out the kids who are just acting out because their hormones are temporarily going berserk and finding the problem kids who could end up shooting up the school, they just blanket something as natural and humanistic as contact in any sort. Their football team must be awful. This surely won't drive kids to do more physical contact, seeing that such action is restricted and kids always follow the rules, especially when strictly enforced. Keep trying to cover the problem instead of solving it. It’s working wonders.
That was kind of dark. Let's not end on that.
If you were a hot dog, and if you were starving, how could you eat yourself? Your intestines line the outside of you. You won't be able to digest yourself. Christ is that a stupid question.