Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Heaven Help Me

*WARNING: Blasphemy is about to rain from the sky like sulfur.

I was reading up on the new Iron Man movie that changes the origins of the character. Instead of in Vietnam, Tony Stark now has an incident in Afghanistan that gets him into the iconic wonder suit. Comics will do this occasionally. When a character’s ideology or general beliefs don’t mesh with what’s current, he is either put out to pasture or changed (it's not a stretch to see Captain America die in 2007, is it?). Comics will have to update their characters roughly every 10 years or so, just to keep them fresh and viable in society and popular culture. But yet, there is one book whose characters are rigidly steadfast, whose feats border on the impossible, and is to be read as absolute truth from two thousand years ago.

Yes folks, Superman goes through more changes than SuperSavior ever does, and Kal-El doesn't have wars fought, laws made, morality based on, or terrorism enacted His name. I have had many problems with Catholicism over the years, from roughly five years old onward. It's rather evident in this blog (try and count the times I capitalize the pronoun "his" properly). What I've never done is look back critically, in an almost revisionist mode, and try and modernize the situations or problems with Jesus in the here and now. Somehow, this all came about during a lecture on the rise of Conservatism in 1980s America. You connect the dots.

For as long as I can remember, we all knew everything was going to be ok once Jesus came back. And he is coming. Oh yes, he's coming. The more time that goes by I keep thinking that we're getting stood up. It’s been two thousand years and he still hasn’t called us back. What if Jesus is actually trying to salvage a younger, prettier humanity from all that is evil? We could be floating in limbo and see Jesus and 6 Billion others at a bar having drinks. Man that'd be awkward. "Oh, these are my....friends, ya know.”

*cough*

We are all so cynical now that I don't think we'd believe Jesus if he did come back. We'd deem him some yahoo, a puppet of Jerry Fallwell, a loon, someone looking for cash or a reality TV deal (Pimp My Savior?). All of his "miracles" would be debunked on Discovery, or, God forbid, he just stands around on a really, really high church for 3 days before he is “set” back to Earth. Man, Jesus would be a hack and a half. Then again, he could very easily just start the Rapture. That’s a good one.

He could have very well been born into a virgin mother in 2007, but I find this to be a big problem as well. Would anyone believe that someone just GOT pregnant? If your girlfriend or wife said that, would you fall for it? She could be beaten for cheating or gotten an abortion from the phantom rape. It would at least give the old people who sit in front of Planned Parenthood every day on my walk a good reason to keep showing me baby pictures. I would also hope that the doctor that would perform said procedure wasn't Jewish or Italian, cause that'd be 0-for-2 all time against Sons of God. Those numbers don't bold well for postseason success; ask Judas-Rod.

How overbearing must Mother Mary have been? I had a protective mother, but she only had, you know, a regular son. I don't know what it would have been like to raise the Son. I don't think Jesus chewed his own food til he was 13. Or was it the opposite? Did Mary think his son was of God, and therefore invincible, so no matter what she did he'd be ok? Mary could have bounced that baby into the manger and she’d be all right. I’d say somewhere in between, but I don’t think moderation is allowed when dealing with these sorts of things….

Apparently Jesus had siblings, and were therefore born of Joseph. I wonder if Joseph saw Jesus's faults (I think he had a weak left in basketball) and taught his kids to exploit them. Joseph could have been the ultimate bad sport parent, pushing his kids past the brink just so he could compete with that Creator Of All That Is Heaven And Earth guy. Jesus is inside eating...sand?...and the kids are outside doing wind sprints til dusk.

I wonder if Jesus could have been a carpenter by trade? I guess it’s a good back up plan if downsizing snagged that whole Son of God thing. Imagine if you had a table made by Jesus? Who knows how much that would bring in on eBay.

Did Jesus actually rise up to Heaven literally? Could you wave goodbye to him until he went out of site? Is he nothing more than a balloon filled with helium? I'd hope he miracled a rocket ship or something; sparklers at the very least.

Why is it so weird to think of Jesus as being a normal guy? I hope he had a wife and he had kids. What do you want him to do, just ignore his human feelings and walk around in sandals until he was hung out to dry? He died for our sins; the least we could do is acknowledge that he got some. Good for him.

I have come to two conclusions on Jesus's sex life. One is that he was gay. Considering he didn't write the Good Book (or the one starring him, The Good Book Two: Heaven Harder), maybe his friends were kinda freaked out by dudes kissing dudes and wrote about how it should never, ever happen. The idea that I tend to hold dear is that he did have kids and they had X-Men like super powers. Jesus descendents are now a whole race of super humans, always lurking, always watching. Where do you think the show Heroes comes from?

I don't think the big J-Man would be able to cut it in today's culture. His face would be sprawled all over the Christian equivalent of Page 6, seen canoodling with famous (and loose) nuns. "Giving her the host" indeed. I doubt that he could snag myspace.com/jesushchrist without paying a hefty fee. Ditto for anything JC related on AIM or gmail. There are already like 300 Jesus Christs on facebook, too. After that, what’s the point? He’d truly be a stranger in a strangle land (I know, that wasn't Jesus, but it's appropriate). Maybe, just maybe, he could summon up some of that old magic and heal the lame, namely Nickelback.

2 comments:

Secret Rapture said...

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Read My Inaugural Address
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Your jaw will drop!

Anonymous said...

"giving her the host"??????

good god!!!