Almost Enlightening is on the cusp of its 100th post. I have no idea when that came about. Since this is the 99th post, I figure that there needs to be something of great importance to this blog itself before the self-important century post. What encapsulates this collection of various forms of writing and different ideas, moods, and lengths? What is the one sort of post that I can put up which also captures the holiday mood? What is the one piece that can be so uplifting that you can forget about all the terrible looking—and ill fitting—clothes you acquired over the last few days that you never wanted in the first place? There is only one answer: That Guy it is.
What is That Guy, you ask? At this point, not knowing the term could make you That Guy. You’re “That Guy” whenever you act out in a certain way, usually in a group, that has some sort of bad precedent. Wearing a shirt of the band you’re seeing in concert? You're That Guy. Drop the Snapple bottle in the middle of the food court? You’re That Guy. This term can be used with either sex, but I think Guy just sounds better. If you want past reference, you can see the first, second, and third iterations of this time-honored holiday tradition (note: no other post was written by a holiday, let alone Christmas). What better way to pay homage to Jesus? God Bless us, every one! Well, not everyone….
Pays No Attention To Oncoming Traffic Guy - Sometimes seen with an iPod, this common creature is indigenous to the Boston metro area. He is susceptible to self-centeredness so severe that he believes all cars must stop for him. Evidently, getting to his destination is vastly more important than anything else...including fighting for the same space of asphalt as a two-ton vehicle barreling down at 35 MPH. When a car tries to go in its normal path, they are at fault, not the asshole crossing the road at the wrong time.
Snores In Class Guy - We have all fallen asleep during class. Don't be ashamed to admit it. Once I woke up from a Physics video in high school to see that the entire class was watching as I drooled on myself, including a girl who I had a crush on pointing and laughing and yelling "eeeww!" Harrowing indeed. The problem is when you give yourself away by snoring. While we all laugh at you, you’re letting the professor know that you’re definitely not watching the film he’s showing. Here's to you, snoring guy, for your great sacrifice. Enjoy your B- while I write about you on the internet !
Contributes Too Heavily In Conversation Guy - You cannot possibly know this much about any subject that I happen to throw out in conversation. In fact, I know you don't, cause most of the stuff you're saying either doesn't make sense or has no baring on the topic at hand. Why do you continue to discuss ideas you don't understand? It's ok to stand in a circle and not say a word, smile when everyone else does, and occasionally throw out a chuckle while everyone else laughs. You can be a conversational chameleon. But no, you have to consistently open your mouth and talk about the Manhattan Project and how it was founded by Truman and the power of his bowtie. Next time, I'll hand you a shovel so you can try and dig yourself out of this stupid hole you can’t help but burrow in to.
Yelling With No Material Guy - There's always one guy at a sporting event who has a loud, booming voice and thinks anything that comes out of his mouth is funny. Just because we can all hear you doesn't make up for the fact that you have nothing of value to say. "YEAH...YOU TOTALLY SUCK! YEAH!" is not a good put-down. Doing a countdown to "Let's-Go-Yank-Ees" is unnecessary and confusing. Trying to start a chant with an unknown nickname for a player is not a good idea. Looking at everyone else like they have three heads when it doesn't catch like a California wild fire isn't the best way to set up that next genius cheer, either. Don’t fault us cause you’re a failure.
Likes Chuck Klosterman Guy - Fuck you, he sucks.
Takes It Too Seriously Guy - Dude, it's a pick up basketball game. Why are you so upset? You're throwing the ball around, walking off the court before the game is over, and nearly punched a hole in the glass door. The worst part is that you're not even helping your own cause. Your constant crying and carrying on doesn't mix with defensive ability and rebounding skills. You're just doing it to yourself, sweetie, so stop yelling "COME THE FUCK ON" at your teammates and hustle.
Hey buddy, why don't you put down that chair before you huck it across the room? It's week 9, and this loss isn't worth spackling the wall, is it? You're on the road, it's before the big playoff push, let's just smooth this out. You don't have any money riding on this, don't have any friends who root for the winning team, and you have a better record. It's ok. It's not a big.... I'm not helping you clean up, asshole.
Apparently Knows A Lot Guy - Look, I don't know why you're leaning in to ask me questions. I know just as much as you do, which seems to be little. “How do I upload video?” Uuhh...I guess you just...I don't know, sorry. Wait, what? Audio? I would guess the same as video? No, no I don't know video or audio. Yeah, no, neither. Sorry. I'm just going to get back to figuring out wait what's that? Audio mixing? Haven't the faintest. Can I just get back--no, no I guess I can't. Oh, well, thanks for calling me super helpful....
Really Loud Guy - WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS YELLING? IT'S 3 AM, WE'RE ALL SITTING AROUND PLAYING UNO, AND FOR SOME REASON YOU FEEL THE URGE TO SHOUT ABOUT YOUR LACK OF CARDS OUTSIDE OF THE ONE YOU PRESENTLY HOLD IN YOUR HAND. IT'S OK, YOU CAN WHISPER - THE SINGULAR CARD IN YOUR HAND IS ALL THE EXCLAMATION NEEDED. THANK YOU. OH SHIT, YOU FOUND A BEER? AWESOME. THE FRIDGE IS FULL OF THEM. NOT TOO EXCITING. JUST A HEADS UP - YOU'RE ALSO WEARING A PAIR OF SHOES. DON'T KNOW IF THAT WILL SET YOU OFF INTO A FIT OF SCREAMING, TOO. FIGURED I'D LET YOU KNOW AHEAD OF TIME TO AVOID BLEEDING FROM MY SHATTERED EAR DRUMS
Always Has Beer Guy - Alice in Wonderland always works its way into some guy's 30 pack. This guy is always with a beer in hand. It doesn't matter the make, kind, or general temperature, he is always loaded with booze. Theories on how this is possible:
-Has already staked out quality hiding spots in five spots, both indoors and outdoors.
-Really, REALLY deep pockets.
-Has mastered dark magic (in association with Coors Brewing Company)
-Containers in long sleeve shirts
Now why can't you just give me one and not have to buy it for a buck? You're stacked like Costco!
Totally Out Of Place Guy - Apparently it's wrong to hang around school yards looking for playmates. It was cool for me 10 years ago. Fucking neo-conservatives polluting our nation....
Assumes You're Pregnant Guy - It is never, ever, ever, EVER a good idea to assume someone is pregnant. Do not go up to a girl and say "hey, when's the baby due?*" There is no winning answer. If she isn't pregnant, she'll become incredibly offended. If she is pregnant, she'll think she's built like a house. Then, she will cry, because the mixture of preggie hormones, the odd urge for cheese fries dipped in bacon grease, and self-esteem problems are the perfect storm. What is the desired answer in the first place? "3 months." Awesome! Help me find this in a large please.... Regrettable all around, really. Like asking a black guy "where's the rally?" while dressed in the standard ghost outfit.
Looking For: Random Play on Facebook Guy - Putting up "whatever I can get" is really pathetic, no matter if it's a joke or otherwise. It honestly makes me sad to read that. We've all been there, but you don't have to put it in a public forum, pal. But while that's pitiful, looking for "Random Play" is unforgivable. Who calls it "play" anymore? Should I bust out my Montell Jordan greatest hits and discuss the merits of parachute pants? Just put up "I'm an asshole, steer clear if you get this warning." I'll catch you on the flip side so we can discuss your "play," however random it might be.
Constantly Talks To Performer Guy - When you're at a show, be it a comedian, play, sketch, why do you feel the need to talk to the performers? When there is a sketch, you don't need to go "oh man what's going to happen?" That's implied. That's why we're here, because we're all asking that question, hoping that we’ll laugh. This isn't some fucking call and response show - you're not listening to someone play What'd I Say. Sit and enjoy the god damn show cause you're bugging everyone around you with your giant mouth and insipid comments. "Oh shit, what is he going to do?" He’s going to throw out a punch line I can't hear because you act like it's your turn to talk. Quiet, stupid. Couple that with a terrible laugh and I have the urge to jam a spear through your jaw line, Iliad style.
The only good part of this is when that same pain in the ass believes what is going on in the scene is real. When the performer is eating “curdled milk,” it is greatly assumed that the actor doesn't have to suffer for his art, but can find a reasonable (and safe) substitute but still generates the necessary reaction from the audience. But, because this person can't process information without saying it aloud for all to enjoy, they are dumbfounded by the whole act. "Oh my god," they say, "is he really eating curdled milk?" Yes. Yes you stupid fuck, he really is eating curdled milk. "It's all chunky! He's actually doing that!" Why would it be something like...cottage cheese? Go put on an iPod and pay no attention to that 18-wheeler. Try and use Chuck Klosterman as a shield while you’re out there.
Wasted By 11 O’Clock Guy - Is he joking? He plays a really convincing drunkard. Wait, that's for real? It's...it's 10:43. How can you pull that off? We started drinking at the same time and I'm not even buzzed. Is he inserting Everclear intravenously behind my back? When I went to pee, did he polish off a bottle of Johnny Walker? I'm befuddled at this sudden disparity. Holy crap, HE'S drunk too? Wait...am I the only one here who isn't drunk? How did this happen? I just showed up. We are still in college, right? Oh sweet Jesus who are you calling. Put the phone down. Please? No, don't do that, don't... Ok I'm leaving.
Gets Pissed About "Happy Holidays" Guy - You do know that there are other religious holidays outside of Christmas, right? While it is universally known that Christmas is the greatest holiday ever, not everyone celebrates it. Therefore, we can't just blanket everything with "Christmas." If someone came up to me and said "Happy Chanukah" I would be taken aback. "No," I'd say, "my family converted sometime around 1930, I think, but thanks anyway." Also, did it ever come to mind that Christmas and New Years are separate holidays, and therefore, when pooled together, are TWO holidays? Happy Holidays works. What’s the big deal here? Wal-Mart greeters aren’t trying to put an end to Catholicism; the Catholic Church is doing a fine job on its own.
And there you have it. Another That Guy is in the books. As always, add your own That Guys in the comments, or cop to being one of the ones mentioned above (this round I'm only one). Coming up is a really self-aggrandizing 100th post. But dammit, I get one per every 100, don't I? I'm entitled! You guys will be paid back though, because Erik is a god damn genius....
*credit for line to Brian Regan