Saturday, December 16, 2006

That Guy IV: I'm Probably Talking About You

Almost Enlightening is on the cusp of its 100th post. I have no idea when that came about. Since this is the 99th post, I figure that there needs to be something of great importance to this blog itself before the self-important century post. What encapsulates this collection of various forms of writing and different ideas, moods, and lengths? What is the one sort of post that I can put up which also captures the holiday mood? What is the one piece that can be so uplifting that you can forget about all the terrible looking—and ill fitting—clothes you acquired over the last few days that you never wanted in the first place? There is only one answer: That Guy it is.

What is That Guy, you ask? At this point, not knowing the term could make you That Guy. You’re “That Guy” whenever you act out in a certain way, usually in a group, that has some sort of bad precedent. Wearing a shirt of the band you’re seeing in concert? You're That Guy. Drop the Snapple bottle in the middle of the food court? You’re That Guy. This term can be used with either sex, but I think Guy just sounds better. If you want past reference, you can see the first, second, and third iterations of this time-honored holiday tradition (note: no other post was written by a holiday, let alone Christmas). What better way to pay homage to Jesus? God Bless us, every one! Well, not everyone….

Pays No Attention To Oncoming Traffic Guy - Sometimes seen with an iPod, this common creature is indigenous to the Boston metro area. He is susceptible to self-centeredness so severe that he believes all cars must stop for him. Evidently, getting to his destination is vastly more important than anything else...including fighting for the same space of asphalt as a two-ton vehicle barreling down at 35 MPH. When a car tries to go in its normal path, they are at fault, not the asshole crossing the road at the wrong time.

Snores In Class Guy - We have all fallen asleep during class. Don't be ashamed to admit it. Once I woke up from a Physics video in high school to see that the entire class was watching as I drooled on myself, including a girl who I had a crush on pointing and laughing and yelling "eeeww!" Harrowing indeed. The problem is when you give yourself away by snoring. While we all laugh at you, you’re letting the professor know that you’re definitely not watching the film he’s showing. Here's to you, snoring guy, for your great sacrifice. Enjoy your B- while I write about you on the internet !

Contributes Too Heavily In Conversation Guy - You cannot possibly know this much about any subject that I happen to throw out in conversation. In fact, I know you don't, cause most of the stuff you're saying either doesn't make sense or has no baring on the topic at hand. Why do you continue to discuss ideas you don't understand? It's ok to stand in a circle and not say a word, smile when everyone else does, and occasionally throw out a chuckle while everyone else laughs. You can be a conversational chameleon. But no, you have to consistently open your mouth and talk about the Manhattan Project and how it was founded by Truman and the power of his bowtie. Next time, I'll hand you a shovel so you can try and dig yourself out of this stupid hole you can’t help but burrow in to.

Yelling With No Material Guy - There's always one guy at a sporting event who has a loud, booming voice and thinks anything that comes out of his mouth is funny. Just because we can all hear you doesn't make up for the fact that you have nothing of value to say. "YEAH...YOU TOTALLY SUCK! YEAH!" is not a good put-down. Doing a countdown to "Let's-Go-Yank-Ees" is unnecessary and confusing. Trying to start a chant with an unknown nickname for a player is not a good idea. Looking at everyone else like they have three heads when it doesn't catch like a California wild fire isn't the best way to set up that next genius cheer, either. Don’t fault us cause you’re a failure.

Likes Chuck Klosterman Guy - Fuck you, he sucks.

Takes It Too Seriously Guy - Dude, it's a pick up basketball game. Why are you so upset? You're throwing the ball around, walking off the court before the game is over, and nearly punched a hole in the glass door. The worst part is that you're not even helping your own cause. Your constant crying and carrying on doesn't mix with defensive ability and rebounding skills. You're just doing it to yourself, sweetie, so stop yelling "COME THE FUCK ON" at your teammates and hustle.

Hey buddy, why don't you put down that chair before you huck it across the room? It's week 9, and this loss isn't worth spackling the wall, is it? You're on the road, it's before the big playoff push, let's just smooth this out. You don't have any money riding on this, don't have any friends who root for the winning team, and you have a better record. It's ok. It's not a big.... I'm not helping you clean up, asshole.

Apparently Knows A Lot Guy - Look, I don't know why you're leaning in to ask me questions. I know just as much as you do, which seems to be little. “How do I upload video?” Uuhh...I guess you just...I don't know, sorry. Wait, what? Audio? I would guess the same as video? No, no I don't know video or audio. Yeah, no, neither. Sorry. I'm just going to get back to figuring out wait what's that? Audio mixing? Haven't the faintest. Can I just get back--no, no I guess I can't. Oh, well, thanks for calling me super helpful....


Always Has Beer Guy - Alice in Wonderland always works its way into some guy's 30 pack. This guy is always with a beer in hand. It doesn't matter the make, kind, or general temperature, he is always loaded with booze. Theories on how this is possible:
-Has already staked out quality hiding spots in five spots, both indoors and outdoors.
-Really, REALLY deep pockets.
-Has mastered dark magic (in association with Coors Brewing Company)
-Containers in long sleeve shirts
-Is Jesus.

Now why can't you just give me one and not have to buy it for a buck? You're stacked like Costco!

Totally Out Of Place Guy - Apparently it's wrong to hang around school yards looking for playmates. It was cool for me 10 years ago. Fucking neo-conservatives polluting our nation....

Assumes You're Pregnant Guy - It is never, ever, ever, EVER a good idea to assume someone is pregnant. Do not go up to a girl and say "hey, when's the baby due?*" There is no winning answer. If she isn't pregnant, she'll become incredibly offended. If she is pregnant, she'll think she's built like a house. Then, she will cry, because the mixture of preggie hormones, the odd urge for cheese fries dipped in bacon grease, and self-esteem problems are the perfect storm. What is the desired answer in the first place? "3 months." Awesome! Help me find this in a large please.... Regrettable all around, really. Like asking a black guy "where's the rally?" while dressed in the standard ghost outfit.

Looking For: Random Play on Facebook Guy - Putting up "whatever I can get" is really pathetic, no matter if it's a joke or otherwise. It honestly makes me sad to read that. We've all been there, but you don't have to put it in a public forum, pal. But while that's pitiful, looking for "Random Play" is unforgivable. Who calls it "play" anymore? Should I bust out my Montell Jordan greatest hits and discuss the merits of parachute pants? Just put up "I'm an asshole, steer clear if you get this warning." I'll catch you on the flip side so we can discuss your "play," however random it might be.

Constantly Talks To Performer Guy - When you're at a show, be it a comedian, play, sketch, why do you feel the need to talk to the performers? When there is a sketch, you don't need to go "oh man what's going to happen?" That's implied. That's why we're here, because we're all asking that question, hoping that we’ll laugh. This isn't some fucking call and response show - you're not listening to someone play What'd I Say. Sit and enjoy the god damn show cause you're bugging everyone around you with your giant mouth and insipid comments. "Oh shit, what is he going to do?" He’s going to throw out a punch line I can't hear because you act like it's your turn to talk. Quiet, stupid. Couple that with a terrible laugh and I have the urge to jam a spear through your jaw line, Iliad style.

The only good part of this is when that same pain in the ass believes what is going on in the scene is real. When the performer is eating “curdled milk,” it is greatly assumed that the actor doesn't have to suffer for his art, but can find a reasonable (and safe) substitute but still generates the necessary reaction from the audience. But, because this person can't process information without saying it aloud for all to enjoy, they are dumbfounded by the whole act. "Oh my god," they say, "is he really eating curdled milk?" Yes. Yes you stupid fuck, he really is eating curdled milk. "It's all chunky! He's actually doing that!" Why would it be something like...cottage cheese? Go put on an iPod and pay no attention to that 18-wheeler. Try and use Chuck Klosterman as a shield while you’re out there.

Wasted By 11 O’Clock Guy - Is he joking? He plays a really convincing drunkard. Wait, that's for real? It''s 10:43. How can you pull that off? We started drinking at the same time and I'm not even buzzed. Is he inserting Everclear intravenously behind my back? When I went to pee, did he polish off a bottle of Johnny Walker? I'm befuddled at this sudden disparity. Holy crap, HE'S drunk too? I the only one here who isn't drunk? How did this happen? I just showed up. We are still in college, right? Oh sweet Jesus who are you calling. Put the phone down. Please? No, don't do that, don't... Ok I'm leaving.

Gets Pissed About "Happy Holidays" Guy - You do know that there are other religious holidays outside of Christmas, right? While it is universally known that Christmas is the greatest holiday ever, not everyone celebrates it. Therefore, we can't just blanket everything with "Christmas." If someone came up to me and said "Happy Chanukah" I would be taken aback. "No," I'd say, "my family converted sometime around 1930, I think, but thanks anyway." Also, did it ever come to mind that Christmas and New Years are separate holidays, and therefore, when pooled together, are TWO holidays? Happy Holidays works. What’s the big deal here? Wal-Mart greeters aren’t trying to put an end to Catholicism; the Catholic Church is doing a fine job on its own.

And there you have it. Another That Guy is in the books. As always, add your own That Guys in the comments, or cop to being one of the ones mentioned above (this round I'm only one). Coming up is a really self-aggrandizing 100th post. But dammit, I get one per every 100, don't I? I'm entitled! You guys will be paid back though, because Erik is a god damn genius....

Happy Holidays

*credit for line to Brian Regan

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Boys and Girls: Sex

I have had an absolutely miserable past couple of days. How miserable? The highlight was drinking with about 8 classmates before my 2 o'clock Screenwriting lecture today. All we do is watch movies (today was the comedy 1, 2, 3 and a short that I didn't see the end to cause I broke the seal). Now, it's 3:35 in the morning. Instead of writhing around in bed aimlessly for the next hour or so while listening to Ron and Fez, I figured I would update this thing cause I have not done so in quite a while (and it was a diversion from the series, too).

Before I start this ultimate chapter, I would first like to say how helpful it has been to me. First, thanks to the classic differences between boys and girls, I have four pretty good posts, so thank you females for exisiting and the few girls I asked to get this ball rolling. Also, I have been well versed in girls complaining about boys so now when I helped a friend film her movie and I waltzed into six wine drinking women I was prepared, and did a good job. Finally, it allowed me to receive one of the best backhanded compliments of all time: you should get a job writing a column for a teen girl magazine. I still don't know if that's positive, and I never will. Either way, let's get sexy.

Tonight's post is brought to you by Bob Dylan - Highway 61 Revisited.

Lesbians are hot? Why?? You're not getting in on that action. This is a question that I have been asked since we all figured out what sex looked like (meaning when I was 13 and my friends and I saw our first porn at a sleepover...but more on that later). It's really simple math. We like seeing girls have sex. Unfortunately, the real way that you see sex is when guys are getting with girls. Save for insertion, we are constantly watching the girls and cringing at certain shots that put too much focus on the male part (or parts, however it may be). With lesbians--specifically the non-existent lip stick variety--you take out the part you don't want to see and add another desirable object. That's like going from having a cake then having a cavity filled to having a cake and being given another cake. Boy + Girl = ok, Boy + Girl - Boy + Girl = Girl + Girl = two times the expected amount of awesome.

This also leads into the unfairness of the sexes. We can see two girls and get off on it while rarely two guys really tickle a female's fancy. We also don't have to go through having periods (or cramps with said periods). Although dealing with the effects are never pleasant for our side, we definitely tip our hats...and run away for five days...even though even THAT pisses you off. And finally, we don't have to give birth: just support the kid through divorce, marriage, or not even getting married. Oh, the burden.

butt sex with a girl - how is that remotely attractive? This question came with an answer already given: I don't know, it's just another hole to stick it in. That's a pretty valid answer, I think. We just get bored. More than that, it's so dirty and weird and anatomically incorrect that it's appealing. It is one of those situations where we know you aren't going to say yes, so we chase and chase and chase and then we finally get there's tight and painful for pretty much everyone involved. I do find it funny how some people simply make a "mistake," which absolutely blows my mind. It's like trying to drive through a tunnel and then making a sharp right and trying to drive through the middle of the tire, then looking at your wife like "well I misread the directions."

The weird reaction is when the girl says yes, or is ready from the beginning. That's something you joke about for laffs and laffs, not an actual invitation. Then, when that time comes, you have to man up because this is a special act. It's a call to the pen that you don't normally get, and when you have that shot in the majors, rook, you better take advantage. It's like an internship - great on the resume, but wasn't really worth the effort involved.

how come when guys think of threesomes they think of 2 girls but never 2 guys and a girl? Most straight men are born homophobic. It's true. There is just a certain level of acceptability that they are willing to take before the line is crossed and they run out of the room yelling about how much they love football and breasts. There are certain things I can take: the thought of men being together romantically, being around and friendly with other men and joking about sexuality, and jokes that involve light touching (not in bathing suit area). There are things I simply cannot take: showering with other guys, looking at anywhere but the wall while using a urinal (or simply not using them at all). Therefore, it is unconceivable that I would be able to have sex with another male naked and present and...accounted for, let alone be able to drink enough to shut that out and go along with it. It's just not going to happen.

Simple math: Guy + Girl + Guy = eehhh while Guy + Girl + Girl = two two TWO CHICKS AT ONCE! Mmmm, I love having more cake, especially Carvel Ice Cream Cake.

how come guys dont care about hooking up with a chick in front of their roommate? i would never go down on a guy while my roomie was there yet guys dont care I certainly fucking care, from both sides of the coin. First off, I can't pee with another person in the room, so lord knows how I'd go about having sex. How do you talk the girl out of it? "Ssshh, it's ok, he's blind...and it's cool." Then again, alcohol is a wonderful lubricant.

For the roommate, I don't want him playing music too loud if I'm trying to sleep. How the hell am I expected to sleep through that? And how awkward would it be seeing some random girl naked having sex with the similarly awkward naked roommate? I have only seen one roommate naked, and that was because he would flex in front of a mirror before he hopped into the shower (and that was only the back end whilst he scampered behind the curtain, leaving his techno-blasting laptop on the sink for everyone’s enjoyment). I certainly didn't want to see that back end in action. Ugh. This is depressing. Whoever that guy is must be desperate, inconsiderate, or really open with his sexuality. Either way, he bugs me.

Would you get freaked out if a girl you're hooking up with told you she was a virgin? This is a very delicate question. I wouldn't get freaked out that she isn't experienced that way. It took me a few years past normal to get on the horse (34). And also, there is no universal age (although I think I'd go with South Park's 17 years), and if someone looks down on you, well, they can go fuck themselves...and certainly not you.

I say it's delicate because you don't want to de-virginize someone who actually holds that first bout with sexual intercourse as something special if you're not looking at this past a short-term situation. A friend of mine found out afterwards, and was kind of embarrassed to have had this girl had her first experience in the back of a car. I didn't--and still don't--see the big deal with first having sex with someone special. The real problem, as Kevin Smith wrote while discussing his film Chasing Amy, is that we expect to go to bed with virgins and have them fuck like whores, but somehow revert back to being virgins when the act is over. It's impossible. When you get down to it, sex is purely a physical act whose enjoyment is heightened with feelings behind it. But it's still simply a physical act when all is said and done. Some people don't see it that way, and it has to be respected. I don't believe in Jesus, but that doesn't mean I'll fuck him if he doesn't want to.

Wait what?!

1) why are simple cotton panties such a "let down"? Because while the act of sex is pretty simple (in-out in-out), the thought of it is amazing. I would love to understand what sex was like in the 50s, when it was very hush-hush and there wasn't any sort of graphic pornography; the common man’s how-to guide. Would people just come up with different ways to have sex? Did some guy just figure out on his own how to do doggy style after X number of times? I grew up in a time of internet porn, very well aware of all the different ways I wanted to have sex (and the various situations that I did not want to involve myself in, naked or not - the Germans are a fucked up people).

In society, sex is some sort of Holy Grail that is sought after and, once obtained, is life changing. That carries a certain amount of wait to it. If you think about having sex, then you think about the best possible situation. That's a really attractive girl in skanky--yet tasteful and expensive--lingerie. Cotton panties are like asking for an Xbox 360 and have someone dump a Sega CD on your lap. It just doesn't add up with the imagination, the ideal, the fantasy.

Cotton panties are fine if you're with someone for a while and you both just become lazy and only pull out the sexy undies for special occasions. If you're going out, you have to dress the part. You don't go to a wedding in shorts, you don't play basketball without your jersey, and you don't go out unless you have on underwear you would be comfortable with showing others in a sexual situation. It's the rules.

what is so sexy about a girl in sweatpants? I'll admit: I sort of have a thing for girls in athletic attire. Be it sweat pants and a tight plain t-shirt or short cloth shorts with knee-high socks (volleyball and soccer girls kill me every time). With full disclosure there, I'm not sure if others are on my side on this debate, but, I'll answer it from purely personal experience. I really hate it when girls get all dolled up all the time. I'd say about 75% of the time, girls wear at least too much make up, with about 20% wearing far too much. I don't want a girl who feels the need to cover up or add on artificial supplements that actually dampen your overall appeal. I want a girl who can wake up in the morning, wake the sleepies out of her eyes, and still be attractive. No, I'm not asking for too much. I don't get the high maintenance bullshit. Stop with the bronzer and the eyelashes and shadow and the blush and the....

what is with guys and porn? What's with girls and not watching porn? I think that's the more pressing question. We can all watch horrific things on the news, we can re-watch the attacks on the Twin Towers ad nauseam from the beginning of September til the end of the month, but you can't watch two people having sex? Really? They ask, "what's the big deal?" There is none, but you seem to make it one. It's ok for girls to be interested in something like porn because it's human. We have a fascination with seeing terrible things happen, why not something that inherently grabs our attention and chemically makes us excited? Or, you can be turned on by terrible things happening ON girls or guys, but, we're going to exclude the weirdoes here.

There is a certain infatuation with porn when you're a younger male that I simply cannot explain. One of my friends had a block box and got Spice or some other porn channel for free. One afternoon after about seven of us slept over, we went upstairs and started to watch porn. Mind you, we're all around 13 and have no idea what to do with this situation which is making things really uncomfortable. Someone has a pillow, someone is sitting Indian style with arms firmly across the crotch, and another is bent with groin facing away from the group. For five hours--five--we sat and watched porn. Around hour two I made a question of, "why are we still watching this?" It was quickly countered with, "What, you don't want to see naked chicks? What are you, gay?" I certainly wasn't gay and I certainly couldn't stand up in that situation without fear of knocking things over inadvertently on my way out the door, so I was trapped to continue to watch it.

To answer your question, watching porn is healthy, but there is nothing about being a male between the ages of 12 and 15. Nothing. I won't get into the masturbation habits, but it's suffice to say it's the greatest new toy ever that just keeps giving and giving and giving until it literally no one longer functions.

when guys claim to have no imagination about sexual fantasies, do they just not want to say something that might turn a girl off? Everyone is kind of freaked out when it comes to sex. No one knows the other person's boundaries. Someone could be freaked out if you move outside of missionary. On the other hand, someone would feel like sex isn't worthwhile unless they get pissed on. Of course guys have sexual fantasies. Don't girls? It's a common thing. But, a lot of stuff that we think 1) won't ever be done and 2) is ridiculous to verbalize. "Ok, so you're in the Pippi Longstocking outfit and have the football helmet full of cottage cheese...." Fantasies are usually just that - fantasies. They are impossible to reach and feel satisfied about, and are mostly so out of this world that they aren't feasible unless the person who fantasizes is incredibly dull or the partner is extremely loving and forgiving. The safe word is "fucked up."

what is more of a turn on, a girl in a towel or in lingerie? Lingerie. I've seen my mom in a towel.

There it is, folks. Hope your questions were answered, your mind opened a bit, and your enlightening almosted. It was fun while it lasted. Now I don't have to defend males anymore on the internet. Huzzah!

Post number 99 coming up, and if you have read this blog long enough, you should know what's coming next.... And no, the self-serving post will come at 100 you smarty pants out there.