Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Boys and Girls: The Chase

You ever hear of the perfect storm? Wait, let me rephrase so I can say what I really mean. Have you seen the trailer or a commercial for The Perfect Storm? So you know what that is? I experienced one tonight. I got my History paper done at 11 PM (possibly a new record), I got a twelve pack of Blue Moon from my friend who just turned 21 and wanted me to post as her gift, and my screenplay isn't due til Wednesday. Therefore, there is a new blog.

There are some changes since the last one I posted oh so many days ago (2). First, the bold is not enough to differentiate between the question and the answer, so I'm going to underline it, too. I'm too good to you people. And no, I won't change the last post. Don't get greedy. Also, there are some questions about girls, and I just don't want to wait, so I'm throwing those in there. Finally, there is the first instance of shortening a question from about 20 lines to one. Truncate yourselves, people. Here we go....The Chase. No, that looks cooler like The Chase. Yeeeeaaaah.

Why dont guys always carry condoms??? Isnt it like a rule that they are supposed to always carry one in their wallet or something? This is a two-fold answer. First, I'm still not sure how cool it is to be caught with a condom, even in college. For some reason, people aren't comfortable with always being prepared, and you'll be called a "perv" simply beacuse you don't want "aids." So it goes. The other answer is that the heat from your body can actually weaken the condom and leave it susceptible to breaking. If the guy pulls a condom from his wallet, be wary. Also ask him why he does that, cause that's something only pervs do.

When you meet a girl, do you immediately categorize her as a "friend" or a "potential whatever"? I usually wait for her to open her mouth. If nothing of intelligence comes out, it's hard to keep her in the "friend" farm. Every now and then one slips through, and lands in the "endlessly pining" box. That's usually a long-term situation. To be honest, everyone (read: everyone) judges people physically first. How can you not? You have to be physically attracted before your interest is truly piqued. You can't have sex with his "humor" - you have to be attracted to something of substance. Before I even get the "not me," you're a liar. Or you're blind. And if you're blind, how the shit are you reading this? If it's one of those text reader things, have fun with this: lkasdfjoijasdfasdhahaurblindfhoasfoasifd oaps

What is your take on the 60/40 female/male ratio here (BU)? Is it easier to meet girls? Factoring in gay males, it's probably more like 60/30, leaving roughly two straight girls for every straight male. Is it easier? Of course, it's just sheer numbers. Meet does not a hook-up make, however.

Side story: I was at a party once and I was one of four males. Of those men, one was gay, one was too drunk to function, and one was heavily unattractive...and possibly 30 years of age (we did not check his ID to confirm this). I was questioned by three females, with "Are you an asshole? Are you preppy? Are you gay? Do you have a girlfriend? Are you nice?" I passed the test, and they were sort of shocked. It was nice. And that's where that story ends.

Where are all the good guys?? are they hidingggg? why do we only have assholes See above. You're not alone. I guess there aren't many out there. And no, I won't take this opportunity to point to myself. That would be ridiculous. Another answer: they are already dating someone, and you were just too late. Timing is everything.

Why do guys go for stupid girls or girls with little to no personality? Similar vein. It depends on the situation. If a guy wants to get with a hot chick for that night and then see them three days later on campus and awkwardly wave to them as they try to avert eye contact before they see that you acknowledged them so they begrudgingly lift their heads and force a smile, then he'll go for the chick with little to no personality. If he wants a girlfriend, clearly he is a masochist, or they just have a higher tolerance than me. You can't converse? I'm fine with extending the no-no streak.

What would you think if a girl asked you out on a date? Awesome. Well, that or "oh God how do I put 'no' in a way that isn't blunt and hurtful? Oh! How about, no...?"

How do you a show a girl you like her? a.k.a. what is "liking" and wat is just being friendly? I think this definitely is more about a girl, since they can really screw you up with the friend/more than a friend level than guys do. What is liking? When he makes a move that is incredibly obvious. We are usually not the most secretive of species. In fact, I think we can be read like a book by girls, but girls have a knack to over analyze everything. In fact, that's how you do it: Look at it as simply as possible. Girls have this preconceived complexity switch that scrutinizes every move and saying. If he didn't say hi to you on the street it is entirely possible that he just didn't see you, not that he hates you and might have killed your cat. Take it easy, girls, and just try and think simple. You always say we're simple minded, so pick up on your own disparaging generalization.

why do guys chase so hard but as soon as the girl shows interest he loses interest? You sort of answered your own question. Remember how I spoke earlier about competition? You are facing off against either yourself or your buddies (there might be money on the line) to see if you can get that girl. The point isn't whether or not you do, but if you can. It's a dumb, hurtful little game that always helps to boost that wounded ego.

To make a good first impression what are the most common lies a guy will tell? That they aren't married. I've never been a big liar. The most common lies are probably that they are or aren't involved. You can also say penis size, but if you're "lucky" you find out how big of a liar you really are, so I'm not sure who wins there. Everyone leaves disappointed. I would guess a common one (from one story) is when you're at a bar or something and you can lie about age, profession, and where you live and you can bag a mother of two (aged 10 and 7, I believe). You can do that. I don't know why, but you can. Come on everyone: let's shake our heads together.

What is the best way to catch a guys eye? As I was saying on my radio show, there is a fine line between hot and slutty. The best way to catch a guy's eye is to be dressed nicely, showcase your best assets, but leave more to the imagination. It's always best to leave us guessing, specifically cause we can always imagine something better when we go home alone. Bad ways to get attention:
*Yelling. Anything. Anytime. Especially while drunk.
*Smoking cigarettes. If you smoke a cigar, I'd probably just be confused more than turned off.
*Having a penis. Sadly, that's relative.
Not relative with me.
*Not respecting yourself. Stay classy, Whale's Vagina.

Why do guys ask for your number if they aren't going to call you? For one, it's just a trophy to show the other guys that you got digits. Another reason is that they are too shy, or don't know how to go about it. I am, lifetime, 1-for-1 on asking for a number and getting it. Her name was Patty, and I never called her. I didn't mean to be malicious, it's just that I was busy and I don't think the timing was right. ...Ok I was chicken shit and said I was busy when I really wasn't. I kind of liked ending that on top with a number than going after it and screwing up on the phone with my stutter or saying something wrong or going out and having it not work. This way, I end up with a small victory, and she is probably upset. But I'll never know, cause she doesn't have my number to tell me.

Do guys like to be teased? Sometimes. There is a fine line between "oh this is great" and "holy shit I want to punch you in the fucking face." There are certain things like a strip tease situation when yes, being teased is great. There are certain acts that if you tease too much might end up with an inadvertant eye injury. Pick and choose your times when applicable. For the rule, yes. This most certainly goes with girls, too, except there is a significant decrease in possible impalement injuries.

What does it mean when a guy tells a girl "when I really like a girl, I won't do anything with her" after he's been hooking up with her for 2 weeks? If I'm reading that correctly, that means "I want to hook up with you and that's all, and if that means that this has to end or we're dating, we're through." Basically, it's a bullshit cop-out that is supposed to lessen the sting. Here is one thing that I cannot stress enough: There is absolutely no way to end things with another person where they don't feel hurt. It's impossible. Don't lie, don't make up shit like above because all that does is lengthen the situation until you have the inevitable "JUST SAY IT! JUST SAY IT!" to deal with. Honesty is the best policy, even when there is no winner. Do try and have some bedside manner (not "I'm fucking someone else, beat it").

What is the acceptable time frame for calling/texting someone after getting their number? I say between twenty-four hours and three days. Outside of that frame I think it gets tricky because while you're going for the "I don't want them to think I'm desperate or want them too bad" you could be falling into the "No, Mike...the tall guy from the party...saturday...at 505...no, a beard...ye...YEAH! yeah! ...so what's up?" Just be careful and don't over do it. One text is more than enough. I don't want to know your god damn life story through mashing the 1-9 keys, and I don't want a time obligation while on the phone. My first girlfriend had some sort of mandate where couples talk on the phone for 40 minutes, so we would sit in silence with nothing to talk about until the 40-minute mark. It's terrible. Absolutely terrible.

How true is this "he's just not that into you" theory? Is it true that if a guy is interested in someone, he will always make every effort to be around her? Or are they ever shy and secretive about it? Depends on the people involved and the situation, which has been a common answer, but the correct one. If I'm really interested in pursuing a girl, I will try and involve her in my daily life, be it through texts, ims, meeting in person, etc. When I go after a girl, I'm usually blatantly obvious about it. It isn't something on purpose - the way I get girls isn't through looks, but interaction. I ride that comedy button as far as it is willing to carry me. Some guys will just pine from afar and you'll have no idea until you need that restraining order when you see him with binoculars and Jergens hand cream. On the rule, people want to be involved with people that they want to be around. If you're around someone enough, and both parties want it to happen, it has to mean something.

Why do guys lead girls on when they're not interested?_Why aren't most guys into monogamy? Remember how I said that we're simple creatures? We're also pretty oblivious. There have been a few times where I have led a girl on without even realizing it was going on. I think purposefully leading someone on is completely about serving your ego and is deplorable. You're playing with someone else's feelings in a deliberately cruel way. Just play Minesweeper with 100X100 boxes if you need to feel like an easy winner.

Most guys aren't into monogamy because like in the wild we are told to further the species with whomever we possibly can. That's the answer on its most base level. At somewhere like BU, where there are two girls for every year, the numbers are just too great to ignore. Why stay with one girl when you can experience so many different things with different people? Here's a question to ponder: would you rather have guys that aren't into monogamy or guys that lie about it and cheat? Things could be worse. There are a number of guys I know that would ideally rather be in a relationship. I guess they are all the good guys who have vanished with the stupid girls who are lacking in personality who are so prevalent.

so a friend just told me hand holding is a big deal-almost bigger than sex. is this true?! and why?! Wowie. Um...I would guess because sex could just be a one night stand while holding hands could lead to a relationship. What really was a shock to my system going to college is how trivialized sex becomes. When you grow up in high school your virginity is important, and you're taught to save yourself for someone special, and it takes some time to get into sex. Here, it's a definite possibility on a Friday or Saturday night, and could really be as meaningless as making out. It's always good when the most intimate act between two people can be as cold and emotionless as a handshake. Gotta love feeding that physical need.

Paraphrase: Why do girls say that they have a boyfriend when they don't? Or, why do they say they have a "thing?" Can't they properly qualify their relationships? First off, they're lying and don't want you. That's the most obvious option. If you keep pressing, you'll end up with the friend saying something along the lines of "no, it's like, REALLY serious," before giving way to "get the fuck away from me, creepo." Just take the hint and move on.

Girls also have a knack of overestimating what is going on. This is coupled with their complexity disease. I don't mean to generalize, but I have never been in a situation--or know a male in one--where he thinks they're committed but they are not. It falls once again on the female and her friends who will pick apart every trivial thing to try and solve this intricate puzzle of feelings, making out, and promise rings. Just be upfront and save the headaches. If you don't want to be dating, say to your partner, "I don't want to go out with anyone right now." If you are not sure, ask "are we dating?"

Final side track story: My freshman year, a group of sophomore girls were all huddled around one girl's computer giggling like they were in 8th grade again. Clearly I was confused. I was informed that there was a guy this one girl was waiting to im but didn't know how to break the ice. They were making up elaborate things such as, "oh hey just want to know what the sociology homework was...oh thanks...so hey what's up?" I suggested the crazy of idea of sending "hi, this is ____" and waiting for his response. It was like I said to im "Hey fuckface, eat a douchebag!" The point? Be up front. If you try some elaborate shit, you'll probably come off worse than just stating the obvious in an easy way. You won't be curt, or rude, and you might be walking in to some awkward situations, but isn't that better than waiting and dancing around the issue while your minions speculate away, filling your head with ridiculous thought tangents that lead you with "he has to have a child with someone else?" Keep it simple, people. It saves time...and lives.

Do girls use some guys as 'practice' for the guys they are really interested in? and if so, how do i know that when a girl hooks up with me, i'm not her 'practice' hookup? When she shows up on game day in your uniform.

Coming up next is Relations, cause we already tackled a lot of that tonight. I love built-in segues.


Pam said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Pam said...

While I'm set and reading this entry for its entertainment value more than anything, I'm pretty sure the average single girl will find your answer to "Where are all the good guys?? are they hidingggg?" unsatisfying. "I guess there aren't many out there," you say? Ugh. May I suggest a later blog entry that perhaps delves into this further, one that doesn't scream "YOUR SITUATION IS HOPELESS"?

And a note to the single/frustrated ladies out there: Venture off the BU campus and I guarantee your luck with guys will improve. And be patient.