Saturday, November 11, 2006

Boys and Girls: Boys - Etc.

I never expected this. Through the 92 (this is 93) posts on this blog, I've had some novel ideas that never really turned out as well as planned. Most of these plans revolved around feedback. What I've learned is that people aren't always forthcoming with ideas or comments to give back to the blog, when I desperately want to do a mailbag. This also ran congruent with my lack of being "Enlightening" in the big issues, as the title (almost) alludes to. For a while I've wanted to tackle questions about Boys and Girls, and figured that, while hovering around the century mark here, it would be a great time to do it.

The idea was to ask a few girl friends (that's always awkward to write, isn't it?) to share with me their gripes, grievances, and questions about the male in general. I assumed I'd get about 20 or 30 questions, at most, which were mostly congruent. This way, I could make one blog about the major points that they hit and move on to answering questions about girls from a man's perspective, which should be interesting, to say the least. Instead, I struck a nerve. I have upwards of 50 questions that range all over the place, from cuddling to Lindsay Lohan to cotton panties. Therefore, I will answer every question of relevance (sorry "why is mike anton so hot?" and "WHY ARE GUYS SO RETARDED?!") on this blog. After culling all of the questions together, there are four major sections to address: The Chase, Sex (both mindset and physical action), Relations, and Etc. To ease us in, Etc. will be first.

What is it with men and playing Madden? First off, it's a fantastic game to play based on what is arguably the biggest American sport. Also, we've sort of grown up with it. I remember playing Madden 94 way back on Sega Genesis when I was 8-years-old. The gameplay--for the most part--stays the same, giving it a great pick-up-and-play feel. I didn't play Madden 06 with its ridiculous "QB Vision" feature, but still managed to beat my friend Scott in the only game I've ever played with the game. It's a strange little comfort...and it's a shitload of fun to beat your friends in anything, which leads to....

What is so thrilling about making bets with your buddies? Competition runs through everything in nature, be it for food, mating, and video game dominance. Everyone wants to be the best, especially males. Betting makes it even better. It's not based on physical abilities as much as smarts and chance. I bet Alex that Rutgers would cover a +7 spread against Louisville because I figured their defense would at least keep it close. I was right, Rutgers won outright (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and I'm five dollars richer. Not only does this show that I know more than he does, but I get a solo cup at a kegger for knowing it.

War movies are cool? Ick. War movies are second only to sports movies as the male chick flick. Yes, I'm well aware how Coach Carter will end, but god dammit if I'm not moved by Sam Jackson's love for these messed up kids who will learn from being a team and not individuals!! ...Sorry. War movies are cool because they involve guns, death, and victory, something that (for whatever reason) we're all drawn to. I would guess it goes back to competition, but on a much more important scale: life or death. It's also such incredible human drama because the stakes are so high. Oh, and we can take blood and guts a lot better.

Is arranging your junk in front of ppl really necessary? You try walking around with that thing in between your legs, positioned dangerously close to a row of metal teeth, in a climate that most closely resembles a rain forest. It isn't fun. There is a double standard as well - we don't complain when girls blatantly go to adjust or itch a scratchy breast. No, it isn't about perversion ("just cause it's a boob"), it's just one of those foibles that we all go through and accept. We are also trying to keep things less socially awkward by adjusting erections, which come at a drop of a hat sometimes. So you're welcome.

Do guys feel bad if their girl has a nicer car than they do? I would assume that most gearheads would go nuts. If you can't relate to a girl based on an irrational jealously of an inanimate object, you don't deserve to get laid in the first place. Also - they probably have small penises, and no one likes that. No one. And the small penis carriers are quite aware of this fact. Sorry guys.

What makes the sight of a girl crying so awkward for men? The most basic dividing line between girls and guys is emotion vs. rational thought. Girls are quite emotional, with someone of them crying over situations that are so far removed from tear-worthy that it is downright shocking.

I have a theory that goes beyond the divide. Most of the time, when we were all younger, girls would cry because boys did it. Whether it is because we pushed you down, or called you a name, men mostly are the reason why girls cry. I had a girlfriend who I made cry weekly, and I didn't really do anything to warrant it. It's awkward because 1) we don't know how to deal with such a situation other than a few pats on the shoulder or a hug and 2) we think we're at fault and want to get the hell out of Dodge before yelling starts. It's a defense mechanism.

The Lindsay Lohan fascination. I don't get it. Jailbait is the easiest answer. It gets more apparent the older you get. "Holy shit, she looks like that and she's only 16?" leads to "why weren't girls that hot when I was that age?" It's the forbidden fruit syndrome. The fascination now is, "how the fuck did she go from goddess to rail?" We all are rallying for her to get back into Lo-Han form, and escape this Lo-En disaster. Jesus christ, eat girl, we'll all love you again!

What do guys think about a girl wearing their guy's clothes? Marking your territory without the whole urination thing. Unless you're into that stuff.

Do guys feel bad if a girl gets the guy a more expensive gift than he gets for her?/do guys feel bad if a girl has/makes more money then he does? This gets in to a whole conversation about social norms. Guys are the breadwinners, guys have to look after and take care of the girl, guys get the jobs, guys support. I don't care how much feminism you want to throw my way, this is how our society works. Do men like it? Fuck no. If I'm on a boat with my family, guess what? I'm going to die. I get to go down with the ship while the women and children go off. Fantastic. We have to ask girls out, we have to pay for them on dates, and when all is said and done, we're disposable because women are more important to furthering the species. It's tough.

Guys don't feel bad if they get better gifts. The problem is the friends. The worst enemy for a girl is other girls. For example, on prom, girls never dress up for their guy. They dress up to show up the other girls. You could show up in a plain black dress for all we care, but it's about females. If you receive a gift that's more expensive than the one you got her, you're going to get flack from the girl, driven directly by her friends. If you have a girl, you don't try and impress her - you impress who she hangs around with.

Do guys feel like they can't be scared in front of girls? Tricky question, since "scared" is pretty open-ended. You can't really help getting scared by someone jumping out at you, something no one likes. When a guy gets upset about getting a jump in front of a girl, you'd get the same reaction if he was with all of his guy friends. If you mean scared in a "we might not make it as boyfriend and girlfriend" situation, to a certain extent, yes. Goes back to the social norm of the strong, emotionless male. We're the cornerstone, the rock. You come crying to us. The very thing that guys always get flack for ("he's emotionally unavailable") is how we are brought up. And guess who primarily brings us up? Women. Their greatest fear is to have a mama's boy, so they make him strong and emotionally unavailable at times, and the vicious cycle starts anew.

Do guys actually read greeting cards that they give to their girl? Do I even have to answer this? Yes. We look at it, open, skim, buy, envelope, never think of it again. It isn't like girls are the only ones that get this treatment; it's anyone who gets a card. Girls have this sick pleasure of finding the perfect card, and then brag about what's inside to their friends. Men know that cards, of any sort, are always corny and dumb, so you just have to find one with the proper wording (not to a great-aunt) and the proper occasion (no bah mitzvahs) and we're set.

Next time, we delve into The Chase


Edward Vedder said...

Dear Pants O Manty.

It has come to my attention (and that of many more), that girls continuously tell other guys they have a boyfriend... when in actuality they do not. This could be for a few reasons - obviously they are not interested - they want to see how hard a guy will try on neutral territory - simply dont want a relationship.

Another interesting find is that when a girl says they have a boyfriend, it could also mean they have a booty call they call boyfriend, they have many close guy friends that they consider to be their boyfriend/s or even they have multiple people they are seeing. When guys say they have a girlfriend it implies just that. I AM IN A RELATIIONSHIP WITH A GIRL AND ONLY THAT GIRL.

Bottom line, girls have unidentifiable relationships where guys have a simple and direct understanding of the word girlfriend. Where I go to school, I find this on a very consistent basis, why do girls claim they have a boyfriend when the relationship is not on the same mutual standards?
Or in other terms, why do guys and girls have nearly completely different definitions of boyfriend/girlfriend?

- Edward Vedder

Anonymous said...

you should be flattered by all the attention you're getting. answer every single one of those questions! including the one about the cotton panties, please!

Katy said...

I am upset that I was not questioned. And girls need to suck it up and play Madden. I am a girl. I am addicted to that game.