Monday, November 27, 2006

A Literary Divide: The Advent of Booksism

Before indulging in the incredibly brilliant Borat (satire which is looked at as gross out humor) with a lady friend, we decided to waste some time in Barnes & Noble (saying Barnes And Noble is unacceptable - if they use an ampersand, so do you). While she went off to non-fiction, I tried to scour the store for more Woody Allen books. I had recently fallen victim to popular acclaim and purchased Chuck Klosterman's collection of essays Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto. Finding it to be elitist and trite, I promptly threw it out after indulging in two terrible chapters. Here is my impression of his work: Blah blah elitist this sucks, that sucks, Saved By The Bell reference, that still sucks, blah blah blah, Cosby Show reference, blah blah blah. I upgraded to Woody Allen and refuse to look back.

The way that this particularly giant B&N (even while shortening, still use the ampersand) was set up was rather disjointed. There was a smattering of non-fiction, then fistfuls of sci-fi, do-it-yourself books, photos, etc. The opposite side had "hobbies," sports, and war books just before teenager books before succumbing to the bright and shiny and happy children's section (notice how the teenager books bridge the gap, but are close enough to the children's section to extricate some resentment that they are closer to being kids than adults). Somewhere in this disarray I was to find the comedy stylings of Woody Allen. It was a daunting task.

After searching for a few minutes to find a more specific bookcase to peruse for his specific book, I stumbled past World War II books and found Sports. There are certain sports columnists who I simply adore. They have such a beautiful way of manipulating words to describe something as simple as making a three pointer, adding in all of the flair and history of an event that is superfluous in nature. I was sidetracked for a moment to try and find a collection of articles from any number of sports writers, be it Bob Ryan, Tony Kornheiser, Michael Wilbon, Frank Riley, et al. Instead, I found a myriad of books about a specific sport, alphabetized, starting with Baseball, then Cycling, and so on. Where are all the books about these sports? I don't want to know how to drive like Tiger, I want to read in dazzling prose how it looks and feels to see Tiger hit the drive on the 18th on his way to winning his first green jacket. Sadly, it can't be found. Upset, I forged past "Rock And Roll" and back into the world of fiction (squares didn't even call it Rock N' Roll).

The situation seemed hopeless. On the right wall were throngs of trashy romance novels that even Fabio dare not put his image on. To the left there were countless racks of magazines from unreadable to unreadable with hot chicks on the cover. Directly in front of me was "Java for Dummies" countered by "HTML for Dummies" on the adjacent book case. I was lost and saddened that I could not get the Woody I so longed for (even after passing FHM and Maxim and the racks on the racks to my left). In desperation, I went behind the Java books and next to Su Doku puzzle collections was the "Comedy" section.

One would assume that I would be happy to find what I had been looking for, the great white whale to my peg-legged long shore man. Instead, I became even more depressed to see what was set before my eyes. There was a Woody Allen book (Without Feathers) and then...bleakness. I scour for more smart, witty, society-damning works to find Larry the Cable Guy's autobiography (which in concept is funnier than anything contained in the book). Instead of finding something of substance, I find one of a hundred "Great Book of Jewish Jokes," written by someone named Goldberg or ending in -stein.

Why is there a snubbing of written works that are funny or satirical in nature? Why are the "lesser" than other works of literature? I'm sure they are hard to classify, as there aren't enough specific bookcases (see: Flyfishing, above Frisbee and below Football) to give them their due, but this is worse than calling it "memoirs." Why wasn't David Sedaris there? How does he escape this embarrassing ridicule? It's cause he's gay, isn't it! No, probably because he's on NPR, but still.

Comedy is a terrible idea for classification anyway. What is funny to some people is devout truth to others (Colbert Report north of Mason-Dixon is parody, south of the line is Gospel truth). If there is a comedy section, why isn't Gulliver's Travels, a biting satirical piece of fiction, there? I remember - because it's in the Children's section. Ugh. Our society should no longer laugh off what is in a book by Woody Allen or Steve Martin or any piece of satire. It is one of the few places where you can point out that the way things are going are so wrong and miscalculated that stating them in a serious manner would be utterly ridiculous and laughable. Do you think that if someone would take the Bush administration and write a book about it, send it back 30 years in the past, then publish it that it would be lauded as comedy or a prediction of things to come? Watch Dr. Strangelove or Network and see that we laugh off what is truly terrible.

Comedy writing should not be given the shaft it currently does. I feel that there is no proper term for it, so I decided to make one up. There's sexism for variance between the two sexes and racism for differentiation between races. Therefore, comedy writing is currently under the ills of Booksism, noun, meaning a literary divide between what is important and what is rubbish. Good writing is good writing is good writing, be it about the background of the mob from Woody Allen, the Celtics NBA title run by Bob Ryan, or Steve Martin's dissertation on hitting his mid-life without much crisis (but much defiance none the less).

Alas, it will never happen. Comedy is something to laugh off and keep with joke books. If I'm lucky, I'll be somewhere in that section one day, hopefully nestled right next to Allen (unless someone of importance has the last name starting with Alm- through Ans-). And, hopefully, someone will be just as angry when they search for my collection of silly comedy on the state of people and society and can only find a dozen "You Know You're A Redneck When..." books. I can only dream...that I'm published, have fans, and have enough of them to find disdain in where I'm placed. Man is that a stretch and a half.

Also, stop making Klosterman look better by saying he's a pop culture essayist. He's an elitist douche who is angry at everyone and everything and can't stop watching tv, who uses terrible sentence structure that is boring and trite. Yeah!



I was petitioned to answer that one question (by someone who seemingly didn't get the gag, or takes offense that I would make a gag out of simply not answering something) so I will do so now.

How come guys say they only want sex but get upset when that's all you give them? They want something more than just the physical act of having sex. It seems simply unmanly (or unbecoming) of a guy to want a relationship, but I feel that is ridiculous. The man probably wants to have sex that means more than just the intermingling of flesh for a momentary and fleeting piece of time, no matter how long you last. Sex with something behind it has a certain extra gravitas than doing it coldly. There is a heightened sense of satisfaction that not only are you having an orgasm, but you're doing it looking into the eyes of someone you care for, that you are both sharing this wonderful experience and that lifts the experience up on its own.

Or he's nuts.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Boys and Girls: Relations

I'll keep this short and sweet. Back in Boston, Thanksgiving was good, break was ok, kind of sick, no radio show, new blog. BAM SNAP WHOOO.

Real questions, real people, half-assed witty answers.

How come guys say they only want sex but get upset when that's all you give them? I...what? But.... Ok. Ok I'll get back to this one; too tough to start off with.

When you have sex, do you lose friendship? (We refer to it as "sexual backlash") God dammit do I wish I coined that phrase. And I can't steal it cause it would be read and I might see her on the street creating a Social Landmine(tm). You don't always lose friendship, but it sort of changes. You can't go through the most intimate of physical relations and just go back to drinking and making fun of kids on Guts! I would say not necessarily you would lose it, although it's certainly possible. You will certainly lose that dynamic that you had before sex, and I really don't believe you can ever get it back.

Do guys not understand that girls sometimes don't want to have feelings either? We most certainly believe that you "sometimes" don't want to have feelings either. Hell, we'd like it if you didn't want to have feelings. The problem is that "wanting" to not have feelings and actually NOT having feelings are two vastly different things. I want a million dollars, but that doesn't mean that I can compare apples and oranges. Or something like that. Girls intrinsically will have some emotional connection to the guy (or girl) that they are seeing. It's natural...and sometimes messy, but unavoidable either way. It's just a working hazard.

First date dinner: should a girl eat what she wants, or not let a guy see her pig-out? A girl who doesn't eat is a major turn-off for me. I'll sit and wonder, "why isn't she eating? does she have a disorder? does she have incredibly low self-esteem? is she depressed? oh shit, does she listen to Panic! or Brand New?" I like girls who eat, and I'm amazed at girls who eat more than me. I'm not going to say it's sexy--cause nothing about eating that much is sexy--but it definitely earns respect. No idea where this "being rail thin is attractive" idea came about, because most guys don't enjoy someone who could be broken in half with a flick in the rib cage.

does it worry a guy when his girlfriend tries to get in with his friends to the point that they could chill without him being there? It's cool to be in with the friends, so you don't have to split time before the two (angering both if the balance isn't pitch perfect), but there is a limit. If you're hanging out with the guy's friends without the guy being there, that's borderline replacement. This also runs the risk of never having a break from each other, which is a terrible, terrible thing. Everyone needs his or her space, and if someone asks for it, it's not a bad thing. It's natural, so don't take offense.

do guys like to take girls to "scary" movies because they actually want to see the movie or to scare the girl into closer proximity? For all parties involved, I really hope not. There has never been a time where I schemed what movie I would see with a girl specifically to get closer to her. If I picked a scary movie, I would see it just because I wanted to see a scary movie, girl be damned. Out of the many movies I've seen with girls, there have only been two that I didn't want to see going in (Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights and the Cinderella movie with Hilary Duff which I refused to pay for). Also, I almost never make out during a movie because I paid ten bucks to watch that movie; I can fool around in my car for free.

how does a girl know if a guy's out of a relationship long enough to not be a rebound girl There is no scientific equation to that one. The easiest answer is whether or not he leaves after a few days or weeks. Rebounding is a strange inexact situation that has no definitive end or beginning. I've known people who haven't been in a relationship for years, some that go directly into relationships in succession, and people who have balanced both. My guess is as good as yours, but usually when they stop talking about the other person out of spite and you're still there.

is a boyfriend flattered when his girl gets jealous or is it 100% turn off? It's simply odd. One girlfriend got incredibly uneasy and pissed when we were at a movie and someone in front of me just casually talked to me and bragged about where she went to school, which was considered flirting. It was bothersome because why would she be upset at something that I didn't even catch? I will say that I would also manufacture some jealousy, as I'd point out when girls were checking me out at the mall or elsewhere. In my mind, it made her appreciate that she has someone good on her arm, and also gave me a little boost of self-confidence. What I later found out (and is so clearly obvious now) is that is such a dirtbag thing to do. She was just jealous.....

what makes a girl clingy? Lots of texts or calls (especially when they aren't returned), ims that just don't stop, not having plans without the other person involved, making pet names far too early in the relationship (don't you dare call me “pookie” until the 3 month mark), not letting the other person breathe. We understand that you enjoy spending time with the other person, but they also enjoy spending time on their own without you: it's natural and healthy. Space space space space space.

How come guys say they only want sex but get upset when that's all you give them? Well, I've been thinking about it, and... Um...

if a guy really likes a girl, will he hold back physically? I don't hit'em til 4 weeks in. Lull them into a false sense of security. He will hold back so that the two of you can last longer. If your goal is simply to have sex, you'll either get it or you won't, and usually it will be in a manner unbecoming of a long-lasting relationship. If your goal is to be with the girl for a long period, you are more than likely not going to go straight for the belt buckle, lest you want to be known for "just wanting sex." Why is that so familiar?

should girls pay for themselves? No, never. It's a terrible situation, especially with this whole "equal rights" idea, but guys always are told to pay for the girl, hold the door open, etc. It's just the way things go. Personally, I have only once not paid (the aforementioned Duff movie). A lot of people split the bill, and that's good for them, but I can't do it. It's how I was raised.

what do you get a guy for valentines day? Oral. It's cheap and it's what we want on that god forsaken holiday. Every man hates Valentine's Day and is probably so pissed about getting just the right flowers or just the right jewelry that oral would probably be the best thing you could give.

Valentine's Day opens up to a whole different argument and that is the importance of girls showing off for guys. There is the accepted standard that the worst thing for a girl's self-esteem is a boy. We're so mean, so judgmental, throw around "slut" and "whore" as if they were going out of style. That is absolutely false. The worst enemy of a girl is another girl. There is no question. Some of the underhanded, dirty things I have seen a group of girl FRIENDS do to one another is shocking and offensive, specifically because it's either ignored or just "what girls do." Meanwhile, guys get the bad rap when we're just watching and putting down bets like at a cock fight (or like the crowd in Bloodsport).

Let's run through some important events for girls. Valentine's Day is not celebrated by males. We hate it. It's a stupid, made-up holiday that causes nothing but problems for everyone involved. It's the girl equivalent of "who's cock is larger." If you have a girlfriend, you aren't buying to make her happy, but to make her friends jealous. It is an elaborate contest set up by females to somehow judge their men. If you get your girlfriend a bouquet that isn't as pretty as Jenny's, you're a shitty boyfriend to your girlfriend, but most importantly to her friends.

Prom is another example. The girls could come in simple black dresses with little make up and some hair ties we wouldn't care. But, this is showing off to all of the other girls, so they have to get their hair done, nails painted, two weeks of tanning, and find the perfect dress. If, god forbid, another girl has a dress the same as theirs? The bitter resentment flies. Luckily, there are words like "slut" "whore" and "fat" to toss at the other girls, cause they can't look as good in that dress as you can!

how much do guys actually appreciate the small things? (such as cuddling/holding hands) They're nice and good, but we just don't harp on them like girls do. Holding hands for us just feels natural. For girls, it is the exact time, moment in conversation, method of holding, in what context, etc. We appreciate the small things, but we think of them simply as small things, not keys to understanding how the whole relationship works. Just because we don't want to cuddle one night does not mean that we want you out; we just don't want to cuddle. That is probably the bigger difference: not apprecation, but meaning.

why does my friends girlfriend consider me a threat because we play madden, like sports, and talk about history all the time?... it does not have to be those exact examples but it make me mad that she looks at me this way when i know she shouldnt For one, she doesn't seem to have much faith in the relationship. Also, she seems to be very uneasy with herself, thinking that she is lesser than other girls, silently questioning why he's with her. You're also bonding with him in a very organic way that she cannot get into. More so, she's jealous that you can so easily do something he does or takes an interest in (be it history or madden or anything) when she cannot. Whether or not you're trying to, you're doing the right steps to get yourself a man. You might think it's benign, but she might not see it that way - insecurity or not.

Ah, ladies and gentleman, we are almost up to the final post: sex. What, do you think I left that most interesting one last on purpose? Pfft. No. No way. Definitely, yes, yes I did.

Wait, there's one left? Lemme check here.... Oh. This one.

How come guys say they only want sex but get upset when that's all you give them? ...I got nothin.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Boys And Girls: Addendum to The Chase

File this one under "A Quick One While He's Away." I'm only hitting on this one comment because I think it would more easily be answered in its seperate banner than trying to cut it down to fit in Relations (coming sometime this weekend). The comment is from my dear friend Pam of my legit "sister site" Chickball:

While I'm set and reading this entry for its entertainment value more than anything, I'm pretty sure the average single girl will find your answer to "Where are all the good guys?? are they hidingggg?" unsatisfying. "I guess there aren't many out there," you say? Ugh. May I suggest a later blog entry that perhaps delves into this further, one that doesn't scream "YOUR SITUATION IS HOPELESS"?

And a note to the single/frustrated ladies out there: Venture off the BU campus and I guarantee your luck with guys will improve. And be patient.


I will give this one special treatment and hit on all the important points one at a time. I hope she enjoys getting singled out.

While I'm set and reading this entry for its entertainment value more than anything Braggart.

I'm pretty sure the average single girl will find your answer to "Where are all the good guys?? are they hidingggg?" unsatisfying. "I guess there aren't many out there," you say? Ugh. For all of those who didn't find the sarcasm all over that response, which goes on further to say "you're not alone" and "they already have girlfriends," well...it's sarcastic. I figured this one was more of a universal gripe that everyone already knew the answer to and I didn't really need to touch on it. Apparently I'm wrong.

May I suggest a later blog entry that perhaps delves into this further, one that doesn't scream "YOUR SITUATION IS HOPELESS"? Ok I was definitely wrong.

Everyone complains about not being able to find the right guy or girl at some time in their life. The most common reasoning is that there is something wrong with the pool. "Guys are too cocky" or "the girls are too bitchy," etc. etc. etc. It's never your problem, it's always their problem. For some reason, it seems like God has decided to thwart your every opportunity to get in a relationship, or heaven forbid some action, woe is me, woe is me. By the simple numbers of it, wouldn't one safely assume that if you're a girl and you're complaining about not finding the right guy that there are guys in a relatively close proximity who are thinking the same thing about your sex?

I firmly believe that two things get in the way of being happy: our ego and our drive. Our ego is the most important. No matter what anyone says or likes to believe, we're all shallow. Every single one of us. Looks are first above and beyond everything. Believe me, I'm not shaking my finger at anyone. There have been girls that I enjoy being around that I simply would not get with because I don't find them physically attractive. It's not their fault, really - it's mine. I can't look past the fact that I am not mature enough to look beyond the mere outside (mature enough or simply giving up, call it what you want).

One of my best friends is truly one of the best people I know. He's charismatic, he's hysterical, he's giving...he's pretty much what I try to be. His only problem is that his looks don't equal his heart. There is no chart or record of this, but he definitely has not gotten the attention that he should garner from the opposite sex, and it really frustrates me (let alone how he feels). He is everything a girl says that they want in a girl, so why doesn't he get the girl? Instead, he gets nothing. He's the friend, the one who you can talk to, the one who's the "great listener" (which is the worst compliment in the world).

You want to know where the great guys are? Right around you. Everywhere around you. Maybe you're too stuck in the woods to really see the trees, but we surround ourselves with great people. Your friends aren't your friends because they're attractive. Your friends are your friends because they're either really funny or giving or just outstanding individuals. I'm reading Chuck Klosterman and his first chapter in Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs is dedicated to the When Harry Met Sally syndrome of falling in love with your friends, or that every girl is looking for Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything. We want the perfect package, and if we can't find it, then we at least go for looks, cause like I said earlier, "you can't fuck a good sense of humor."

And a note to the single/frustrated ladies out there: Venture off the BU campus and I guarantee your luck with guys will improve. And be patient. I find this to be ridiculous. Guys are guys, no matter where they are. A good guy will be a good guy at BU, in Worcester, farming in Iowa. Genuinely good people radiate, and everyone knows who they are. Also, there are a lot of shit people everywhere, too. It's the usual lottery, and it has no bounds; be it town, state, or otherwise.

My home town had a strange relationship with our bitter rival, Emerson. We hated them in football, we hated them in basketball, we hated them because they simply existed. We'd call them skanky, Guidos, Seaside North, and so on until we were blue in the face. But we also teamed up with them to have one of the best wrestling programs in the state, which led to all these weird relationships. We always had a chip on our shoulder, but we'd always invite Emerson guys and girls over who were somehow more attractive. Same goes with people from other neighboring schools who just had this different aura about them. "Ooohhh they're different, but still go to the same Wendy's, so it's like the usual schmucks around here, just BETTER."

Our drive always wants us to get better partners, more partners, that there is always something greater down the road if we just keep looking. People don't stay in relationships because they're always looking down the line for the next big thing (hook-up, relationship, marriage). The same drive that keeps us moving upwards with science and technology is the same one that keeps us miserable when it comes to situations like this. "Where are all the good guys?" means that you've searched and found some people that just don't measure up. Measure up to what? The intangible perfect guy? There is a quote from High Fidelity that says he's tired of the fantasy, it doesn't exist.

So where does that leave us?

The term "settling down" startles me. What does that really entail? What are we settling for? It seems to me that this is more about giving up on the fantasy and sticking with whoever you can tolerate, giving up on finding the ideal and simply going with the person you're likely to strangle the least. Is that why marriages don't work, cause you just don't want to be alone so you "settle" for one person for the rest of your life? Is that what we get to look forward to?

So, back to the point. Where are all the good guys? They're everywhere, and you can't seem to find them until it's almost too late. Are we shallow and immature or give up later on? That question I cannot answer, nor will I be able to in five, ten, or twenty years from now. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to a hockey game and then a party where I will talk to a few friends with great personalities and try and get with the most attractive girl I can. It'll be fun talking to you before you do the same.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Boys and Girls: The Chase

You ever hear of the perfect storm? Wait, let me rephrase so I can say what I really mean. Have you seen the trailer or a commercial for The Perfect Storm? So you know what that is? I experienced one tonight. I got my History paper done at 11 PM (possibly a new record), I got a twelve pack of Blue Moon from my friend who just turned 21 and wanted me to post as her gift, and my screenplay isn't due til Wednesday. Therefore, there is a new blog.

There are some changes since the last one I posted oh so many days ago (2). First, the bold is not enough to differentiate between the question and the answer, so I'm going to underline it, too. I'm too good to you people. And no, I won't change the last post. Don't get greedy. Also, there are some questions about girls, and I just don't want to wait, so I'm throwing those in there. Finally, there is the first instance of shortening a question from about 20 lines to one. Truncate yourselves, people. Here we go....The Chase. No, that looks cooler like The Chase. Yeeeeaaaah.

Why dont guys always carry condoms??? Isnt it like a rule that they are supposed to always carry one in their wallet or something? This is a two-fold answer. First, I'm still not sure how cool it is to be caught with a condom, even in college. For some reason, people aren't comfortable with always being prepared, and you'll be called a "perv" simply beacuse you don't want "aids." So it goes. The other answer is that the heat from your body can actually weaken the condom and leave it susceptible to breaking. If the guy pulls a condom from his wallet, be wary. Also ask him why he does that, cause that's something only pervs do.

When you meet a girl, do you immediately categorize her as a "friend" or a "potential whatever"? I usually wait for her to open her mouth. If nothing of intelligence comes out, it's hard to keep her in the "friend" farm. Every now and then one slips through, and lands in the "endlessly pining" box. That's usually a long-term situation. To be honest, everyone (read: everyone) judges people physically first. How can you not? You have to be physically attracted before your interest is truly piqued. You can't have sex with his "humor" - you have to be attracted to something of substance. Before I even get the "not me," you're a liar. Or you're blind. And if you're blind, how the shit are you reading this? If it's one of those text reader things, have fun with this: lkasdfjoijasdfasdhahaurblindfhoasfoasifd oaps

What is your take on the 60/40 female/male ratio here (BU)? Is it easier to meet girls? Factoring in gay males, it's probably more like 60/30, leaving roughly two straight girls for every straight male. Is it easier? Of course, it's just sheer numbers. Meet does not a hook-up make, however.

Side story: I was at a party once and I was one of four males. Of those men, one was gay, one was too drunk to function, and one was heavily unattractive...and possibly 30 years of age (we did not check his ID to confirm this). I was questioned by three females, with "Are you an asshole? Are you preppy? Are you gay? Do you have a girlfriend? Are you nice?" I passed the test, and they were sort of shocked. It was nice. And that's where that story ends.

Where are all the good guys?? are they hidingggg? why do we only have assholes See above. You're not alone. I guess there aren't many out there. And no, I won't take this opportunity to point to myself. That would be ridiculous. Another answer: they are already dating someone, and you were just too late. Timing is everything.

Why do guys go for stupid girls or girls with little to no personality? Similar vein. It depends on the situation. If a guy wants to get with a hot chick for that night and then see them three days later on campus and awkwardly wave to them as they try to avert eye contact before they see that you acknowledged them so they begrudgingly lift their heads and force a smile, then he'll go for the chick with little to no personality. If he wants a girlfriend, clearly he is a masochist, or they just have a higher tolerance than me. You can't converse? I'm fine with extending the no-no streak.

What would you think if a girl asked you out on a date? Awesome. Well, that or "oh God how do I put 'no' in a way that isn't blunt and hurtful? Oh! How about, no...?"

How do you a show a girl you like her? a.k.a. what is "liking" and wat is just being friendly? I think this definitely is more about a girl, since they can really screw you up with the friend/more than a friend level than guys do. What is liking? When he makes a move that is incredibly obvious. We are usually not the most secretive of species. In fact, I think we can be read like a book by girls, but girls have a knack to over analyze everything. In fact, that's how you do it: Look at it as simply as possible. Girls have this preconceived complexity switch that scrutinizes every move and saying. If he didn't say hi to you on the street it is entirely possible that he just didn't see you, not that he hates you and might have killed your cat. Take it easy, girls, and just try and think simple. You always say we're simple minded, so pick up on your own disparaging generalization.

why do guys chase so hard but as soon as the girl shows interest he loses interest? You sort of answered your own question. Remember how I spoke earlier about competition? You are facing off against either yourself or your buddies (there might be money on the line) to see if you can get that girl. The point isn't whether or not you do, but if you can. It's a dumb, hurtful little game that always helps to boost that wounded ego.

To make a good first impression what are the most common lies a guy will tell? That they aren't married. I've never been a big liar. The most common lies are probably that they are or aren't involved. You can also say penis size, but if you're "lucky" you find out how big of a liar you really are, so I'm not sure who wins there. Everyone leaves disappointed. I would guess a common one (from one story) is when you're at a bar or something and you can lie about age, profession, and where you live and you can bag a mother of two (aged 10 and 7, I believe). You can do that. I don't know why, but you can. Come on everyone: let's shake our heads together.

What is the best way to catch a guys eye? As I was saying on my radio show, there is a fine line between hot and slutty. The best way to catch a guy's eye is to be dressed nicely, showcase your best assets, but leave more to the imagination. It's always best to leave us guessing, specifically cause we can always imagine something better when we go home alone. Bad ways to get attention:
*Yelling. Anything. Anytime. Especially while drunk.
*Smoking cigarettes. If you smoke a cigar, I'd probably just be confused more than turned off.
*Having a penis. Sadly, that's relative.
Not relative with me.
*Not respecting yourself. Stay classy, Whale's Vagina.

Why do guys ask for your number if they aren't going to call you? For one, it's just a trophy to show the other guys that you got digits. Another reason is that they are too shy, or don't know how to go about it. I am, lifetime, 1-for-1 on asking for a number and getting it. Her name was Patty, and I never called her. I didn't mean to be malicious, it's just that I was busy and I don't think the timing was right. ...Ok I was chicken shit and said I was busy when I really wasn't. I kind of liked ending that on top with a number than going after it and screwing up on the phone with my stutter or saying something wrong or going out and having it not work. This way, I end up with a small victory, and she is probably upset. But I'll never know, cause she doesn't have my number to tell me.

Do guys like to be teased? Sometimes. There is a fine line between "oh this is great" and "holy shit I want to punch you in the fucking face." There are certain things like a strip tease situation when yes, being teased is great. There are certain acts that if you tease too much might end up with an inadvertant eye injury. Pick and choose your times when applicable. For the rule, yes. This most certainly goes with girls, too, except there is a significant decrease in possible impalement injuries.

What does it mean when a guy tells a girl "when I really like a girl, I won't do anything with her" after he's been hooking up with her for 2 weeks? If I'm reading that correctly, that means "I want to hook up with you and that's all, and if that means that this has to end or we're dating, we're through." Basically, it's a bullshit cop-out that is supposed to lessen the sting. Here is one thing that I cannot stress enough: There is absolutely no way to end things with another person where they don't feel hurt. It's impossible. Don't lie, don't make up shit like above because all that does is lengthen the situation until you have the inevitable "JUST SAY IT! JUST SAY IT!" to deal with. Honesty is the best policy, even when there is no winner. Do try and have some bedside manner (not "I'm fucking someone else, beat it").

What is the acceptable time frame for calling/texting someone after getting their number? I say between twenty-four hours and three days. Outside of that frame I think it gets tricky because while you're going for the "I don't want them to think I'm desperate or want them too bad" you could be falling into the "No, Mike...the tall guy from the party...saturday...at 505...no, a beard...ye...YEAH! yeah! ...so what's up?" Just be careful and don't over do it. One text is more than enough. I don't want to know your god damn life story through mashing the 1-9 keys, and I don't want a time obligation while on the phone. My first girlfriend had some sort of mandate where couples talk on the phone for 40 minutes, so we would sit in silence with nothing to talk about until the 40-minute mark. It's terrible. Absolutely terrible.

How true is this "he's just not that into you" theory? Is it true that if a guy is interested in someone, he will always make every effort to be around her? Or are they ever shy and secretive about it? Depends on the people involved and the situation, which has been a common answer, but the correct one. If I'm really interested in pursuing a girl, I will try and involve her in my daily life, be it through texts, ims, meeting in person, etc. When I go after a girl, I'm usually blatantly obvious about it. It isn't something on purpose - the way I get girls isn't through looks, but interaction. I ride that comedy button as far as it is willing to carry me. Some guys will just pine from afar and you'll have no idea until you need that restraining order when you see him with binoculars and Jergens hand cream. On the rule, people want to be involved with people that they want to be around. If you're around someone enough, and both parties want it to happen, it has to mean something.

Why do guys lead girls on when they're not interested?_Why aren't most guys into monogamy? Remember how I said that we're simple creatures? We're also pretty oblivious. There have been a few times where I have led a girl on without even realizing it was going on. I think purposefully leading someone on is completely about serving your ego and is deplorable. You're playing with someone else's feelings in a deliberately cruel way. Just play Minesweeper with 100X100 boxes if you need to feel like an easy winner.

Most guys aren't into monogamy because like in the wild we are told to further the species with whomever we possibly can. That's the answer on its most base level. At somewhere like BU, where there are two girls for every year, the numbers are just too great to ignore. Why stay with one girl when you can experience so many different things with different people? Here's a question to ponder: would you rather have guys that aren't into monogamy or guys that lie about it and cheat? Things could be worse. There are a number of guys I know that would ideally rather be in a relationship. I guess they are all the good guys who have vanished with the stupid girls who are lacking in personality who are so prevalent.

so a friend just told me hand holding is a big deal-almost bigger than sex. is this true?! and why?! Wowie. Um...I would guess because sex could just be a one night stand while holding hands could lead to a relationship. What really was a shock to my system going to college is how trivialized sex becomes. When you grow up in high school your virginity is important, and you're taught to save yourself for someone special, and it takes some time to get into sex. Here, it's a definite possibility on a Friday or Saturday night, and could really be as meaningless as making out. It's always good when the most intimate act between two people can be as cold and emotionless as a handshake. Gotta love feeding that physical need.

Paraphrase: Why do girls say that they have a boyfriend when they don't? Or, why do they say they have a "thing?" Can't they properly qualify their relationships? First off, they're lying and don't want you. That's the most obvious option. If you keep pressing, you'll end up with the friend saying something along the lines of "no, it's like, REALLY serious," before giving way to "get the fuck away from me, creepo." Just take the hint and move on.

Girls also have a knack of overestimating what is going on. This is coupled with their complexity disease. I don't mean to generalize, but I have never been in a situation--or know a male in one--where he thinks they're committed but they are not. It falls once again on the female and her friends who will pick apart every trivial thing to try and solve this intricate puzzle of feelings, making out, and promise rings. Just be upfront and save the headaches. If you don't want to be dating, say to your partner, "I don't want to go out with anyone right now." If you are not sure, ask "are we dating?"

Final side track story: My freshman year, a group of sophomore girls were all huddled around one girl's computer giggling like they were in 8th grade again. Clearly I was confused. I was informed that there was a guy this one girl was waiting to im but didn't know how to break the ice. They were making up elaborate things such as, "oh hey just want to know what the sociology homework was...oh thanks...so hey what's up?" I suggested the crazy of idea of sending "hi, this is ____" and waiting for his response. It was like I said to im "Hey fuckface, eat a douchebag!" The point? Be up front. If you try some elaborate shit, you'll probably come off worse than just stating the obvious in an easy way. You won't be curt, or rude, and you might be walking in to some awkward situations, but isn't that better than waiting and dancing around the issue while your minions speculate away, filling your head with ridiculous thought tangents that lead you with "he has to have a child with someone else?" Keep it simple, people. It saves time...and lives.

Do girls use some guys as 'practice' for the guys they are really interested in? and if so, how do i know that when a girl hooks up with me, i'm not her 'practice' hookup? When she shows up on game day in your uniform.

Coming up next is Relations, cause we already tackled a lot of that tonight. I love built-in segues.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Boys and Girls: Boys - Etc.

I never expected this. Through the 92 (this is 93) posts on this blog, I've had some novel ideas that never really turned out as well as planned. Most of these plans revolved around feedback. What I've learned is that people aren't always forthcoming with ideas or comments to give back to the blog, when I desperately want to do a mailbag. This also ran congruent with my lack of being "Enlightening" in the big issues, as the title (almost) alludes to. For a while I've wanted to tackle questions about Boys and Girls, and figured that, while hovering around the century mark here, it would be a great time to do it.

The idea was to ask a few girl friends (that's always awkward to write, isn't it?) to share with me their gripes, grievances, and questions about the male in general. I assumed I'd get about 20 or 30 questions, at most, which were mostly congruent. This way, I could make one blog about the major points that they hit and move on to answering questions about girls from a man's perspective, which should be interesting, to say the least. Instead, I struck a nerve. I have upwards of 50 questions that range all over the place, from cuddling to Lindsay Lohan to cotton panties. Therefore, I will answer every question of relevance (sorry "why is mike anton so hot?" and "WHY ARE GUYS SO RETARDED?!") on this blog. After culling all of the questions together, there are four major sections to address: The Chase, Sex (both mindset and physical action), Relations, and Etc. To ease us in, Etc. will be first.

What is it with men and playing Madden? First off, it's a fantastic game to play based on what is arguably the biggest American sport. Also, we've sort of grown up with it. I remember playing Madden 94 way back on Sega Genesis when I was 8-years-old. The gameplay--for the most part--stays the same, giving it a great pick-up-and-play feel. I didn't play Madden 06 with its ridiculous "QB Vision" feature, but still managed to beat my friend Scott in the only game I've ever played with the game. It's a strange little comfort...and it's a shitload of fun to beat your friends in anything, which leads to....

What is so thrilling about making bets with your buddies? Competition runs through everything in nature, be it for food, mating, and video game dominance. Everyone wants to be the best, especially males. Betting makes it even better. It's not based on physical abilities as much as smarts and chance. I bet Alex that Rutgers would cover a +7 spread against Louisville because I figured their defense would at least keep it close. I was right, Rutgers won outright (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and I'm five dollars richer. Not only does this show that I know more than he does, but I get a solo cup at a kegger for knowing it.

War movies are cool? Ick. War movies are second only to sports movies as the male chick flick. Yes, I'm well aware how Coach Carter will end, but god dammit if I'm not moved by Sam Jackson's love for these messed up kids who will learn from being a team and not individuals!! ...Sorry. War movies are cool because they involve guns, death, and victory, something that (for whatever reason) we're all drawn to. I would guess it goes back to competition, but on a much more important scale: life or death. It's also such incredible human drama because the stakes are so high. Oh, and we can take blood and guts a lot better.

Is arranging your junk in front of ppl really necessary? You try walking around with that thing in between your legs, positioned dangerously close to a row of metal teeth, in a climate that most closely resembles a rain forest. It isn't fun. There is a double standard as well - we don't complain when girls blatantly go to adjust or itch a scratchy breast. No, it isn't about perversion ("just cause it's a boob"), it's just one of those foibles that we all go through and accept. We are also trying to keep things less socially awkward by adjusting erections, which come at a drop of a hat sometimes. So you're welcome.

Do guys feel bad if their girl has a nicer car than they do? I would assume that most gearheads would go nuts. If you can't relate to a girl based on an irrational jealously of an inanimate object, you don't deserve to get laid in the first place. Also - they probably have small penises, and no one likes that. No one. And the small penis carriers are quite aware of this fact. Sorry guys.

What makes the sight of a girl crying so awkward for men? The most basic dividing line between girls and guys is emotion vs. rational thought. Girls are quite emotional, with someone of them crying over situations that are so far removed from tear-worthy that it is downright shocking.

I have a theory that goes beyond the divide. Most of the time, when we were all younger, girls would cry because boys did it. Whether it is because we pushed you down, or called you a name, men mostly are the reason why girls cry. I had a girlfriend who I made cry weekly, and I didn't really do anything to warrant it. It's awkward because 1) we don't know how to deal with such a situation other than a few pats on the shoulder or a hug and 2) we think we're at fault and want to get the hell out of Dodge before yelling starts. It's a defense mechanism.

The Lindsay Lohan fascination. I don't get it. Jailbait is the easiest answer. It gets more apparent the older you get. "Holy shit, she looks like that and she's only 16?" leads to "why weren't girls that hot when I was that age?" It's the forbidden fruit syndrome. The fascination now is, "how the fuck did she go from goddess to rail?" We all are rallying for her to get back into Lo-Han form, and escape this Lo-En disaster. Jesus christ, eat girl, we'll all love you again!

What do guys think about a girl wearing their guy's clothes? Marking your territory without the whole urination thing. Unless you're into that stuff.

Do guys feel bad if a girl gets the guy a more expensive gift than he gets for her?/do guys feel bad if a girl has/makes more money then he does? This gets in to a whole conversation about social norms. Guys are the breadwinners, guys have to look after and take care of the girl, guys get the jobs, guys support. I don't care how much feminism you want to throw my way, this is how our society works. Do men like it? Fuck no. If I'm on a boat with my family, guess what? I'm going to die. I get to go down with the ship while the women and children go off. Fantastic. We have to ask girls out, we have to pay for them on dates, and when all is said and done, we're disposable because women are more important to furthering the species. It's tough.

Guys don't feel bad if they get better gifts. The problem is the friends. The worst enemy for a girl is other girls. For example, on prom, girls never dress up for their guy. They dress up to show up the other girls. You could show up in a plain black dress for all we care, but it's about females. If you receive a gift that's more expensive than the one you got her, you're going to get flack from the girl, driven directly by her friends. If you have a girl, you don't try and impress her - you impress who she hangs around with.

Do guys feel like they can't be scared in front of girls? Tricky question, since "scared" is pretty open-ended. You can't really help getting scared by someone jumping out at you, something no one likes. When a guy gets upset about getting a jump in front of a girl, you'd get the same reaction if he was with all of his guy friends. If you mean scared in a "we might not make it as boyfriend and girlfriend" situation, to a certain extent, yes. Goes back to the social norm of the strong, emotionless male. We're the cornerstone, the rock. You come crying to us. The very thing that guys always get flack for ("he's emotionally unavailable") is how we are brought up. And guess who primarily brings us up? Women. Their greatest fear is to have a mama's boy, so they make him strong and emotionally unavailable at times, and the vicious cycle starts anew.

Do guys actually read greeting cards that they give to their girl? Do I even have to answer this? Yes. We look at it, open, skim, buy, envelope, never think of it again. It isn't like girls are the only ones that get this treatment; it's anyone who gets a card. Girls have this sick pleasure of finding the perfect card, and then brag about what's inside to their friends. Men know that cards, of any sort, are always corny and dumb, so you just have to find one with the proper wording (not to a great-aunt) and the proper occasion (no bah mitzvahs) and we're set.

Next time, we delve into The Chase

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Boys and Girls: The Prelude

There was a time where I wrote on this blog about silly, trivial things like Captain Planet and the washing machines in my dorms going crazy. As time has moved forward, I have matured discussing love, family, and a depressing amount of death. Who knows how many posts ago I actually said it, but I decided that it was time to conquer bigger and better things. It was my job--nay, my born duty--to go after some of the most difficult questions that have plagued mankind for ever. No, I don't mean the trivial stuff like "where did we come from?" or "why am I here?" Those questions have no real answers, so why even bother to attempt? (Answers are: the sea and to keep reproducing.)

Almost Enlightening was a name that came about a few months or so into this blog existing. It was first called, "Dribbling Drivel," but I felt like I was directly ripping off Steve Martin a tad too much (his book of essays was titled Pure Drivel). The post count is hovering around 100, so I think it's time to tackle one of the most loaded, but constantly asked, questions of our or anytime: What's up with the opposite sex?

For too long I have heard complaints from either end about style, emotions, decision making, small actions, and so on and so forth. None of these problems are ever answered directly, but instead piled into a vast collection of "I don't get it." Here on this blog, I will attempt the unheard of: explain why these things happen.

This is an already difficult task on my own for many reasons (one of them is that I'm not female), so I'll need some help. Earlier, I texted a few girl friends to tell me what their biggest complaints/questions/befuddlements are in regards to men. Needless to say, it didn't take long to get a large amount of responses. Every question won't be answered directly, but I hope to explain the reasoning behind these problems to the best of my abilities.

Now, I turn to you. If you're a man and are confused as to why women watch chick flicks? Put it in the comments. If you're a girl and don't get why we just don't put the seat down? Put it in the comments. If you have too much for the comments, you can email here. This is your chance to get these things off of your chest...and then criticize me for my answers.