Monday, October 09, 2006

A Rumination

I don't necessarily miss her. No, for all intents and purposes the "her" isn't merely as important as the "what." She is not disposable--not by any means--but she is merely the carrier, the conductor through which feelings and emotion are pumped. Relatively speaking, I loved the vessel while I was really in love with the meaning. I don't miss her eyes, their shape, their color, nearly as much as I miss what shined through them. While she was peering into me, she didn't know how that same mechanism left her open to be viewed as well. I miss what shined behind the retina, a look of trust, of care, of satisfaction. I don't miss her body nearly as much as I miss how it would curl up on mine, giving her an heir of protection while giving myself an heir of invincibility. She knew she was safe, and I knew nothing could harm her because I was there. I don't miss our conversations, as the words usually were trite or coated in more cheese than The Notebook. What lingers on is the sincerity in those words. The words "I love you" can be uttered by anyone for any reason, but not with the same passion and vigor that she said them with. I miss the sincerity behind those words. I don't miss the sex...well.... Ok, there are always exceptions to the rules. What do I miss, however, is what it stood for. No longer was it an arbitrary joining of two people in a sustained (for however long) act of mutual selfishness, a temporary physical addiction fed, but the very material of feeling. I miss the palpability of love. Most of all, I miss the "us against the world" philosophy, no matter how false it was. We were together, and nothing could break us apart, not from the sky, the clouds, the ground, anything. For some fleeting moments in time, we were an impenetrable fortress. I miss the security, the false sense of unending continuity, how the term "forever" could be so skewed beyond any rational thought would allow, but you let it slide. I miss believing in miracles. No longer do I miss her, but everything that came with her.

...and the effortless sex. That's definitely a biggie.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

wow.. thats touching NOT.. i feel there is no need to post your and your partners sex life on this blog. it's rude and you should consider the other person feelings, and NO this is not her.

Anonymous said...

shutup you faggot and let the man rant!