Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Like Clockwork

Today I was taken to task by readers (and, of therefore, friends of mine) Westie and Allison. They asked me why I had not written on the blog in a while, and I said that I put up Ask Manton. Westie said she does not like Ask Manton, and I won't lie, it hurt a bit. I explained to them that usually this is my place to vent, but with a screen writing class which demands three scripts, a production class which demands three films, and a radio show along with nothing really to vent about, I was left with little for the blog. Allison asked about all the random little thoughts I jot down, and I said I didn't have any.

I lied.

My mind is constantly going, especially in times where I want to turn it off and sleep. It's been this way for as long as I could remember, and with more time the thoughts become more complex (and elegent). What used to be "oh my god is that someone coming in the house to kill me?" has become, "what if I never fully articulate my feelings to others, and all of these events occur: (insert events for 30 minutes)." I decided that today I would try and give you guys a peek into my mind. All of these thoughts happened on the walk to my 6:30 film class, during my watching of the Jean Renoir film The Human Beast (1938) and the walk home two hours later.

These are my complete and unadulterated thoughts and ideas, and nothing was change to soothe anyone's feelings or to make myself look better. You'll know when I see a girl, and that is how I react (some people think I'm perverted....) genuinely. This might be a terrible read, I really don't know. Here we go anyway....

Why do people put on bumper stickers of governmental candidates? You better have complete faith that they win, or have complete faith in your ability to peel the sticker off without harm to your car.
Not many attractive females go running on Com. Ave. Maybe that's why they'll be in shape and attractive at 30 while genetics finally let down the lazy, current attractive girls.
Why do overweight guys wear incredibly baggy clothes? You can be wearing a carnival tent cover and we'll all still know.
Who would use free wi-fi in a bar?
I hereby declare the death of Uggs. Next we have purple leggings. Congrats Jackie O glasses, you get a free pass...for now.
One of my film professors sounds like Jimmy Stewart while another looks and sounds like the Colnol from KFC.
Monster Energy Drinks are way overpriced, and I got it for free. It's taking out taxes, too - on my stomach.
Did every old movie get put out by Janus Films? Whatever happened to them? Flipped a coin and lost the company?
Colored bras rule, but nothing (Nothing!) beats classic black.
Am I the only one a bit putt off that "boy" shorts (a type of female undergarment) are hot? The emphasis is on the boy. Does that make me a pedo?
Why would you buy a hat with a label's name on it? I'd rather you support the Sox than Hollister. STITCH THOSE PANTS! STITCH THOSE PANTS!
Could one seating arrangement at Boston University accommodate my legs? Just one, not asking for a total revamp here.
Trains are the cassette tapes of mass transportation. Steam ships are Beta Max.
The Fantastic Four's Reed Richards has to have the biggest penis ever (for those not in the know, his special power is to be rubber like and grow and he can stretch himself out).
I hate bad subtitles in movies, especially when the character is clearly talking for much longer than the short, cumbersome, bastardized cluster of English that is digitally stamped on the bottom of every frame.
Je n'aime pas.
Why don't women wear hats anymore?
The high five will never replace the handshake and the pound will never replace the high five. The ass slap, however, has no ceiling.
There would be more cannibals if blood tasted better.
White boards will never erase chalk boards.
Other items never to be improved upon: the bench, the stool, the rake, the trashcan. The fork was on that list until the surprising development of the spork.
I need new shoes, but hate shoe shopping. I have no idea why this is.
Grey's Anatomy has been entered into the hallowed halls of shows which have, according to girls, "great writing," and they are clearly wrong. Other members include Will & Grace and Sex and the City. Yes, I have watched full episodes of all three shows.
What ever happened to the Thermos?
The Swiss Army Knife - do the Swiss even have an army to necessitate naming a knife after them? If they do exist, do they use the knife which derived its name from its very ranks?
Grape Bubblicious
Oh, oh.
Grape Bubblicious gum was the worst out of the four-pack of gum I would regularly buy. Why do companies insist of always throwing in a shitty 3rd or 4th food product in the pack that absolutely no one wants? I'm looking at you Starbursts.
Friend's nice.
Eye contact, bonus.
Listening to Radiohead's "There, There" while I walk the streets of Boston at night really makes me want to turn into an animal and bite someone to pieces. I think the rythmic drums unleash the theoretical beast in me.
How hard is it to hold open a door?
How hard is it to say thank you when I hold open the door for you?
I love it when the people say machines are broken. "Machine ate MY ATM CARD!" Not that it's broken, just that it's a bastard. Thanks.
I don't know her right? No, no I don't...wish I did, but....
Sweet, new locks that actually function.
Man, I don't want to type all of this shit up, cause no one's gonna find it funny or interesting, and they'll probably think I'm just a creep.
Ok, I'm just probably too lazy to type it all up. It has nothing to do with feelings.


Anonymous said...

"Colored bras rule, but nothing (Nothing!) beats classic black."

Truest statement ever.

Anonymous said...

1. I'm very sorry I hurt your feelings. I wasn't speaking for the whole world, it's just my opinion that Ask Manton isn't funny. And I only said to to be selfish and get a new blog out of you. I'm very, very sorry. I love you.

2. I LOVED being in your head for a few hours. Very funny. And no, you are not a pervert or a pedo.

3. Allison and I told you that monster drink was a bad idea. Nothing, and I mean nothing, with 5,000 mg of cafine is going to be good for you. Nevertheless, I'm sorry it hurt your tummy.

4. Did you make eye contact or have eye sex? ;)

Anonymous said...

I love you.

Anonymous said...

i agree with westie-i enjoyed being in your head. i was highly entertained. and you're not creepy.

ps-colored and black bras rule huh? who knew? see, this is why you should let us into your head every now and then.

Anonymous said...

"ps-colored and black bras rule huh? who knew? see, this is why you should let us into your head every now and then."

Yes. But, as stated, black is infinitely superior, even considering the superiority of colored bras. White is just lame, but provides a good inspiration for the chorus to a Death Cab song.

Anonymous said...

i LOVE "Ask Manton". If you don't like it, don't read it. as simple as that.