Wednesday, August 23, 2006

That Guy Part 3: With A Vengeance

It has been far too long since I have critiqued (read: ranted and raved about) those people in our society who always find a way to stick out, be it with their actions, words, or a combination of both. I am talking, of course, about That Guy. For those of you who are uninitiated with the term (which I will ride until I make some sort of career out of this), That Guy is anyone that does that one thing, like wearing the shirt of the band to that band’s concert, or breaking a Snapple bottle in the lunch room in front of everyone. There are two previous iterations of That Guy (hence the "part 3" in the title for those who aren't that attentive). Here is part one--before I found the more...genial title--and here is part two. Enjoy as I display my seething hatred for others (and myself).

"That's Funny!" Guy - There is always at least one person in the crowd who feels compelled to point out the humorous moments that occur while watching TV or in conversation. This Guy believes that the act of laughter simply is not enough of a hint to those around him to fully indicate his feelings on a particular sentence, phrase, or punch line. No, he goes out of his way to verbally indicate, in the most direct way, his feelings on the issue. Thankfully, we have people in the world who go that extra, unnecessary step to tell us the most obvious things. And no, nothing about this paragraph was funny; so don't even think of leaving a comment about it, smart ass.

Curses Excessively Guy - This mother fucker feels the need to fucking always say some shit no matter what the fuck is going on around this mother fucker. Like, he has terrible fucking grammar and shit, but is fucking always saying some fucked up curses as if that shit is going to cover up his shitty control of the English fucking language. There is also the guy that will manufacture reasons to curse.

"HOLY SHIT!"
What?
"I just found my sock! Fuck yes!"
...oh. Yeah. Awesome, dude.

I apologize for the above clusterfluff, but I needed to get "blue" to get my point across. I hope the innocents covered their eyes. It's ok now, you cute little tykes! ...Wait, then how can they see this? It truly is a vicious cycle. I blame rap music.

E-Mail Forwarding Guy - It's not funny. I know you think it is, but really, it isn't. I don't want to see it, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one on your list that feels the same. Please stop. Please? I'll be sure to send this message to everyone I know so that they can forward it to all of their friends and put this to an end.

Picking Up Chicks Through Internet Games Guy - I was playing Halo 2 on Xbox Live (the internet) with my friend Blood when a guy started hitting on this girl in the middle of a capture the flag game. While all around us an endless supply of Master Chiefs were getting shot and killed, this guy decides now is the perfect time to start hitting on this chick. Needless to say, it was creepy. He asked where she lived, and look at that! They lived in the same city! Then he kept asking if she was single. Over. And over. And over again. Luckily, she stopped responding, obviously clued in to the recent MySpace rapes. Do you really think you're going to pick up girls over Halo 2? C'mon - we all know you get chicks on Everquest and Counter Strike (I love inside jokes).

Rocking Out Too Hard Guy - At every concert I've ever attended, there is one guy (always a guy in this case) who just rocks out too hard. Sometimes they are just excessively convulsing to a hard song. Other times, it's during a slow number, and they're wooing and fist pumping like it's "Living On A Prayer." This is only acceptable when it happens at the Green Day show at Giants' Stadium, the kid is pudgy, roughly 12 years old, in the middle of the aisle, and will not stop shaking, even when security keeps coming to shut the party down. Then, and only then, is it wanted. Other than that? Stop flailing your arms in my face, sir.

Ruins DVDs Guy - I really treat my DVDs and CDs like shit. In fact, I just tossed out about 50 cds (mostly CD-Rs) because they melted together in my car after two years and two summers of baking. What I will never do is treat a foreign CD or DVD in a disrespectful manner. They are not my property, and therefore I cannot just throw them about the room in a willy-nilly fashion, leaving that shiny, plastic disc unprotected against scratches and dust. Not everyone subscribes to my respectful stance. This makes me a sad (and angry) panda. How dare you scratch up my Simpsons Season 4 Disc 3! Are you nuts? That's the one with the episode where Homer is stupid, Bart spouts catch phrases, and Maggie doesn't speak! Fucking asshole. Then again, there are people who take my DVDs and then never return them (sup Randy and Vaz!). I'm sure they are in perfect condition, too.

"Buy Him A Hat!" Guy - Why are shitty hats given out as gifts? How many "FLORIDA *INSERT PALM TREE HERE* hats have you received over your life time? Don't people even glance at these monstrosities of plastic webbing and foam and think, just for a second, "who would ever wear this?" I'll never understand the "well, we were in Boston, so we picked up a Red Sox hat for you! I'm sure it'll go well with that Yankee shirt you're always wearing. Isn't baseball a fun and competitive sport? Let’s hug." On the other hand, I could just have a very low value in the eyes of the person who is purchasing said hat. They are well aware of the quality and think to themselves: "Well, it's five bucks, so I'm buying him SOMETHING, even though he is an unappreciative little shit. Hope he enjoys the ‘BASS-ICALLY, ALL I DO IS FISH!" hat!’ even though I’m acutely aware of the fact that he’s never fished ever. Serves him right for not sending that thank you note….” (note: I made up that hat’s phrase, and I'm sad to say that it probably does exist, and is probably being worn on someone's head this very second. May God have mercy on us all.)

Gives Up Before Getting Mocked Guy - This guy's name is Luke Herman. I'm not even going to hide this one, cause it has always infuriated me. This son of a bitch, like other people I know, will never take a good beat down, especially when it relates to his favorite sports teams. They lose in Madden and it’s “Well, I only have ’05, not ’06,” or “well, I never played it on Xbox so it doesn’t count.”

Luke irked me most recently when I talked to him about the Yankees sweeping his beloved Red Sox in five games at Boston's Fenway Park. Before I could even rub it in, he concedes with, "dude, they suck, and I know that they suck, and I've been saying it since the All-Star break. I hope they lose every game."

What the hell do you say to that? Where is all the fun in riding your friend?! It's gone! It's all gone! How is this anywhere near fair? God damn you for what little satisfaction you allow me, Guy.

Steals The Good Beer Guy - What gives you the inclination that, at a party with a Bud Light Beer Ball (a mini keg of 35 or so brews) and a 30 of Bush, you can go into the fridge and take the Sam Adams Summer Ale? Do you think there is some sort of treasure hunt set up exclusively for you, and that, against all odds, you have scoured through the shit to find the one piece of gold? No. No, it's not yours, dipshit. It is the property of someone who has more funds than 5 bucks for that cup you’re holding. Step away from the fridge, and take a Natty Light with you, asshole.

Doesn't Get The Joke Guy I just feel bad for this poor sap. He'll sit in during the conversation, attentively listening to all that's going on, and laugh heartily with everyone else. Everything is going well until he ruins everything by opening his mouth and saying something that doesn't relate in any way to the subject discussed. Each person cuts their laughing short, becomes blood thirsty, and jumps at this schmuck's jugular. We ask him to explain himself, and after a line of questioning it becomes clear that the jokes went over his head to the point where he made up his own twisted, convoluted quip; one that isn't even funny in the first place. I do not look to mock you, Guy. I am here merely to pity you. We're all sorry you're in on the conversation and we could not find a tape of Dharma & Greg to satisfy your simpler comedic standings.

Keeps Talking Guy - A lot like the Guy mentioned above, this charmer just keeps the conversation going without saying much of anything, but seems to be well informed of the subject. This person would be me. For countless conversations, I have "yeah, yeah, no, definitely, yeah"-ed myself to look smarter than I really am. Think of a topic and I have bullshitted a fact or something I made up that sounds reasonable prefaced with "I read that...." It's really easy to do. If someone starts talking about world politics, simply say, "yeah, I read that (name leader of country, country, or issue) really isn't/aren't going so well." Bam. You are now seemingly intelligent in a wide variety of topics. Whenever someone tries to call your bluff, say something along the lines of "well that's what I read." They can't dispute words! It's irrefutable. Really! I read that somewhere.

Keeps Running The Joke Until It Becomes Awkward Guy - I met with a friend of mine who I haven't seen for a while and noticed that he had a different haircut from when I last saw him, one that is more boyish and less...metal. I commented about it--in a gay tone, of course--hoping to illicit, at the very least, a smirk. At the most, all of us would laugh and laugh and then someone would say, "That was funny, man!" What happened instead was that he sort of awkwardly chuckled at my haircut compliment. When others would put their pick axes away, I decided to keep mining the gay angle until I struck gold. After saying something about his shirt, jeans, and shoes, and getting a zero response, I simply walked away. We have not talked since. The lesson learned? As told by the great Homer Simpson (who is so great in Season 4, especially Disc 3) is: never try.

1 comment:

Rath said...

Manton, I think you've seriously missed the boat on the "Hits on Girls in Halo 2" Guy. Hitting on them allows you to run your real best game, often times leads to further conversations and sexual relations. Nah, who am I kidding, all it does it embarasses them and gets them off my team. They suck anyways.