Friday, July 07, 2006

From Left Field

I'm going to Boston for the weekend, and I felt obliged to leave something for you all to enjoy whilst I'm gone. Really it's because I like the attention garnered from last week's post, so I'm trying to keep things going. Think of me as Timbaland to your Aaliyah, as I couldn't leave you "without a dope beat to step to (step to)." Or something like that.

Why do girls love lanyard so much? I don't understand what the draw is. You can tie up different colored plastic strips. ...That's it. There isn't even a reason for it. You can't play with the strand afterwards. You can't do anything. The best thing is to look at it, attach it to someone's hair until their parents take it out for being "insensible," or you toss it. Ta da. Is it the next generation's knitting? In 80 years, will kids be shoving lanyard sweaters deep into their closets until they have to wear them on Thanksgiving to give the old coot something to live for? The strangest part is how attached girls are to this silly hobby. They don't stop loving it, either; they just don't know where to find any plastic strands. Spools of purple and red plastic tie line will soon replace flowers and candy. Bank on it.

An old friend of mine imed me the other day and did a smiley like this: (: Isn't that illegal? That's against internet code. You simply cannot turn your head to the left and read smilies. It has been passed, many years ago, that you cock your head to the right and see smiley faces, sad faces, and the like. I want to call shenanigans, but then I realized how embarrassing it would be for me to tell her that she is incorrectly using smiley emoticons. So I decided to tell about a hundred people instead. I'm a genius.

Who came up with "lol?" Someone had to have been the pioneer to create that horrible acronym. It just didn't come from out of space. Man has made many things: the ability of flight, the Polio vaccine, and now a short way to say that you are, in fact, laughing in an outwardly fashion. I feel bad because they didn't copyright it immediately. Someone also had to feel that simply saying "lol" did not fully cover their reaction to a joke or funny comment. No, they had to take it to the next step. "lol" was soon one-upped by "rofl," which completely rejects making out loud laughter the selling point--it's not even mentioned, just inferred--to show that you are actually ROLLING ON FLOOR laughing (I would assume uproariously). Whoever crated roflmao (rolling on floor, laughing my ass off) is just taking it too far though. That person is an asshole.

One sound I will never get used to is a bird hitting my window. I live in a one-story house. There are trees all around me. Nothing inside my window looks like it should be outdoors. But still, every now and then I hear that weird "thump," and the bang of a beak or talon against the windowpane. I jump, yell, and say, "god dammit, I'll never get used to that ever!" Such is my life.

I really like bad jokes. In fact, I love them more than good jokes (which lends itself to the bad joke of "well obviously, cause you never tell good jokes!" which I reply with "oh you're a hoot!") but some things need to stop. If I hear someone pick up a screw, turn to me, and ask "wanna screw?" I might take off your face with a belt sander. Do you think you're original? Do you think you're the only one who has thought of the double entendre of asking someone if they want a craftsman's tool and how it also runs congruent with asking someone if they would like to engage in sexual intercourse? You aren't. More than that, who ever walks around looking for someone with a screw? "Oh, thank you so much for offering! I have been looking around for DAYS, avoiding every Home Depot and hardware store, just to see if someone randomly had one!" Don't even get me started on "getting lei'd." I really wish that you could pass AIDS through itchy purple pieces of cut up plastic bags that are held together by one staple. The world would be a better place.

In conclusion, I don't understand Jesus dying for my sins. Did someone really need to? Is there a certain limit of sinning that simply cannot be exceeded? I thought Catholics were more civilized, but I guess we do believe in sacrifices. Why couldn't we have used a goat, and nothing something as important as, I don't know, THE SON OF GOD? They don't pop out all the time - kind of a finite number of Holy Saviors. And if he died for my sins, shouldn't I get the auto bid into heaven? My sins are all accounted for, aren't they? What is even stranger is that they were taken care of 2000 years ago. Will someone else have to go after a certain number of years when it fills back up again, or are we good till Judgment Day? These are the kind of post-its I need plastered on my walls - not of blog ideas. Someone call up the Pope, tell him to stop goose-stepping and remembering "the good ole' days" and ask him this. It's kinda important.


FabMaster69 said...

its 11 58 pm so goodmorning to you and props to naughtylittlegirl for such an entertaining and enlightening conversation

Anonymous said...

Nice! Where you get this guestbook? I want the same script.. Awesome content. thankyou.