Sunday, June 18, 2006

Let's Get Random

Below is a compilation of the weird thoughts that will run through my head over a few weeks. Thank god for post-it notes or these gems would be tossed to the wayside. Forever they would languish alone, not being able to be shared with all of you wonderful people. I think I need help. Also, if I lose you before the 10 paragraphs of…whatever this is, I highly recommend adding Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang to your Netflix queues. Incredibly dark and funny flick that didn’t get anywhere near the box office numbers it should have. Now, on with the randomness….

I was watching a commercial for Old Navy (cause they are always such a joy) and everyone was wearing "Madras." I had seen the fashion trend at school and believed it to be a joke. For those of you not in the know, Madras looks like this (from Polo):

Quick question - when did my uncle's terrible shorts that he has worn at barbeques for my entire existence become "in?" Is it inevitable that every single fashion taboo will eventually come back? If that's the case, when the hell are parachute pants coming back? Leisure suits, too. We are a society of dummies.

There was another commercial shortly following the plaid abomination about a car company who will donate a hundred dollars to a group that takes care of families who lost members in the war in Iraq. The slag line was "if you thought about buying a car before, now is the time," before showing a child in a tire swing (or something equally heart string pull-able). Have we really gotten to the point where we are exploiting the war in Iraq to sell cars? How shameless is this? Where's the line? Will I be donating to kids in Africa with the flies on their faces for my next Wendy's Spicy Chicken Sandwich?

When the hell did "true story" become an acceptable substitute for "yes, that is correct?" I can understand someone saying "true story" after I say, "remember that time I waited around too long to piss while watching Jaws at the town pool so I pissed myself but it was ok because I was still wet, covered in a towel, and wearing a bathing suit when my dad was like two feet away clueless to what liquids were being sloshed around on my person?" But when I say something like "yeah, the US kinda ate it against the Czechs," that is not a true story. It might be true, but it wasn't a story. Or when someone goes "those are some damn good cheese fries," saying "true story" is just simply not applicable. How about this? "Indeed." Or "certainly!" Even "affirmative." They all fit this silly idea called English language comprehension. The other weird part is that my ex Josie picked it up in Connecticut, my friend Ley got it in Worcester/Boston, and my cousin(s) who hail from Long Island say it, too. What the hell is the connection there?

If you're Martin Luther King Sr. now, wouldn't you feel a bit unfulfilled? Every time you hear about the Reverend and Civl Rights activist MLK there is almost always a Jr. at the end of the name. What did MLK Sr. do? I think about it all of the time. And whatever he did, nothing will compare to his son. "Well, I did make my own hardware store and maintained it for thirty years when no one thought it was possible!" Yeah, well your son gained civil equality and marched on the capital to say one of the greatest and most memorable speeches ever you lazy ass. The best thing MLK Sr. ever did was create MLK Jr. I just feel bad. I hope my kid doesn't do shit so I look better (happy father's day!).

I have figured out why Americans are fat. It's very simple. In fact, it has been going on for generations. It is custom for the children at the dinner table to clean their plates. "Finish your meal," you are told, because "there are people starving in !!" We have been raised to be gluttons. Now, with Wendy's making mediums larges, larges extra larges, and extra larges to be deadly in 23 states, we are eating more and more just to fix our guilt from wasting food. I think that if we wasted more food we would slim down. Don't blame your lack of exercise and motivation for being large sir, blame your parents for forcing string beans down your gullet. Also, blame the other people in the world for not having enough food. Selfish bastards.

Fuck you Starbucks. Not because you're a giant, faceless corporation bent on world domination. Not even because you have made a nation addicted to your super-caffeinated drinks. No, fuck you for your arrogance in believing that you can waltz right in and change the names of sizes. What the hell is a tall? Why is it the smallest one? What weird ass brainwashing is this? Every time I leave I feel like I might turn into the Manchurian Candidate. When I (rarely) get the 'bucks, I order a medium cafe mocha. It's bad enough that I have to call coffee "cafe mocha." I refuse to call medium anything but what it is. People have problems with "press 2 for Spanish" and are completely ignoring this vital fight for our culture. Don't let those communist hippie corporate fucks take away our freedoms. And give them crap for not leaving enough room for putting in sugar and milk while you're at it. Dunkin Donuts is better, anyway....

There needs to be a new joke for a nosebleed. I put up an away once about how my nose bled and I got five cocaine-related ims. Can't there be something else? I'm not asking for crazy originality. I don't expect a "I guess you got into another 'who can head butt the hardest in the nasal cavity' contest." Simply put, come up with something else. I'll even take "stop snorting perks." Just be somewhat original, folks.

Do you think old people are cognizant of how the world views them? I was waiting in line at the drive thru (because it's fast, and doesn't have time to be spelt "through") at Wendy's and an old couple to my left was attempting to back out of a handicapped spot. With no one behind me, I back up about 50 feet, just enough to get completely out of the way of the crash radius. The car in front of me moved up about 30 feet with the rest of the cars following in line. The old couple backed out with the older gentleman guiding the woman back before hopping in the car and leaving. They were very appreciative and waved a great number of times, thinking I was some sort of a gentleman or a kind fellow. Just the opposite. I was just scared that those old liabilities could greatly harm me. Kindness through fear of people who can't even go the night without pissing twenty times; am I a pussy or a genius?

Finally, I think there should be some sort of Friend Free Agency. There is always the one friend in a group that you want to boot out, but they've been around too long, or they have the party house, or what have you. This way, everyone's on contract and could be on the move. The best friends get the no trade clause. For girls, you get the option of "if she hits on/cheats with my boyfriend, she is tradable." There could be a draft and trades as well. If you think you can get a younger guy and a prospect coming up through the system, trade away that burden for something new. You always want the kid in the contract year who goes out of his way to be nice to everyone, in a constant supply of drinks, smokes, and good favours. This could work. No, this could be amazing. Just think of trading your sports enthusiast to the dorky group for a prospect and two first round draft picks.

Why the hell am I so fixated on the World Cup? In 2002 I would wake up and watch the matches before school. Nothing major, really. Now, I watch almost every game I possibly can. I was so into the US/Italy match that I sat on the edge of the couch with my hands covering my mouth making high-pitched squeals, screaming obscenities, and muttering "ohmygodohmygodohmygod" for the entire second half. I have been swept up into a four-year event that is dominated by pretty much any other country but my own and features a sport that makes hockey seem incredibly popular. Personally, it has to be the commercials. God damn you Gatorade and Joga Bonita. Let's just hope that we beat Ghana, Italy beats the Czechs, and we have the joy of drawing Brazil.

Don't feel bad for Ghana, though. Next time I'm avoiding grey-haired oblivious assassins my chicken nuggets will feed one of their countrymen, or at least give enough to send them a pair of those hot plaid shorts.


pt said...

Wow, you managed to wrap up your entire random rant in one cumulative sentence. I am extremely impressed :)

Okay now I’m going to have to defend my favorite home-town conglomerate here (Microsoft being a distant second): It isn’t Starbucks that’s created the weird sizing, it’s the Italians (“Venti” literally translates into twenty ounces). So for the record, they started it. Secondly, a cafĂ© mocha is not just coffee—it’s loaded with chocolate syrup and, if you’re so inclined, topped with whipped cream. You’re more than welcome to order a normal coffee at Starbucks…It does exist, and there is room for cream and sugar. But that’s why Starbucks is so much more successful than Dunkin Donuts. In the twenty-first century, you don’t add your own sugar and cream any more. Coffee’s evolved from a boring cup o’ joe into a luxurious art form. So wake up and smell the double-tall non-fat pumpkin spice latte---the communist hippies have gotten something right for once.

Oh and jeez, as exciting as the USA vs. Italy game turned out to be, those FIFA refs sure ruined it for everyone. Now we’ve got two men out for the game against Ghana. Let’s just hope that the proceeds from your chicken nuggets go toward the Ghana soccer player steroid fund so they can get a few players ejected too.

Pam said...

I think "true story" is on par with "not gonna lie." When you're talking to someone, you just ASSUME they're not lying to you. Why must they reiterate that their statement is, in fact, the truth?

You're right on with the whole "parents making you clear your plate and causing you to overeat forever" thing. I actually read an article about it last year and how it mentally affects you for the rest of your life.

And finally, I think anyone who likes sports for sports' sake has gotten into the World Cup. It's exciting, it's competitive, and the whole world is involved, so why not tune in? Some guys at work who never watch soccer have been gambling on teams they have absolutely no allegiance to. Why? Because they're sports nuts and this is an event that happens just once every four years.

P.S.- Only you would propose a Friends Free Agency system. I hope I'd have a no-trade clause. Haha.

Anonymous said...

Dear NBCousin,

Was my visit worth only a clause? I am hurt. True story.

May I also suggest the use of "true story" in another case: preventing someone from telling a long-winded story. "True story," for me (and I'm not sure your cousin realizes it yet, so don't tell her), often means "I don't care, but if I say 'true story,' it appears I am listening, agreeing, and also entertained."

Think outside of the box, cuz.

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