Saturday, June 03, 2006

Ask Manton Part 1

It seems my pathetic plea for interaction has paid off quite well. After pretty much begging like a groveling dope, I got nine responses to have my first real Ask Manton column on this ole' blog. What surprises me the most is the variety of questions, rants, and random comments that accumulated in the comments and in my email. The annoying part is that some of these topics are so well written and funny that I'm really going to have trouble following them (especially on four hours worth of sleep). The original comments/questions/diatribes will be in normal text, and my comments will be in bold...because I'm important.

From Anonymous:
aright.. ill start this thing off to help manton. i think a good topic to talk about is myspace and the rediculous drama it brings to people. What the fuck is up with people abusing the shit out of online now icons and who is creating these abominations?

I just went to someone's page and instead of an "online now" icon it just had a sparkly text that said "FUCKING." That shit is ridiculous. Are you really fucking all the time? Even while you are online?

I just want to know if someone is online not some shit that tells me " DrInKiiNg CoRoNaS!" That doesn't give me any information other than the fact that you are a stupid asshole.

Ok, I get it, you want to customize your page so everyone can see how original you are for finding a shitty source code from some other site, nicely played, but let's not let sacrifice functionality for some borderline aesthetics.

You might as well have an online now icon that constantly says "Swallowing Jizz" you cockmouthed html-absuers.


Thanks for the help. I have never understood MySpace. I don't get what it's for, why people are on it, and why people outside of pedophiles enjoy it so much. Every picture is the same, with that moody "I'm taking it myself because I have no friends and that makes me awesome" picture, usually in black and white with thick, black emo glasses. Every page is pretty much the same, and any "customization" is just new buttons and flashy objects that could make an epileptic have a fit. I don't care about your personal stats, your answers to 400 questions about you, or that you're a princess (and you have to show how pretty a princess you are by having the announcement take up half of my screen and sparkle).

Your problem, dear reader, is that you actually expect some sort of worthwhile information off of the page. I hope that the person isn't just online, but is always drinking Coronas when they're on myspace. This will naturally lead to liver failure at 30 and get that schmuck off of the Earth as quickly as possible. Thinning the heard, people.

How creepy is that "online now" thing anyway? Do you really need to know that someone is searching around myspace for jackable material? I don't, thank you very much. I refuse to become a part of the myspace community outside of my radio show. Whenever I bring up the fact that myspace is for creeps, they immediately knock me down for being on facebook. Facebook is easier to use, navigate, and is there to accumulate friends and names you acquire at parties so that when you wake up the next morning, you don't know who that person is. I did this on Cinqo de Maio, by befriending two girls named Chloe. Oddly enough, they were both at this party, so I totally rule without even knowing it.

There is a new game I want you to try out: putting anything after For example, /manton is a girl from Illinois, /cocknocker lives in Jersey, and /bartsimpson was taken by a guy named Michael, which doubly fucks over anyone who is actually named Bart Simpson. Try out your own name, celebrities, random combinations of words, and see the results. Sometimes sexy, mostly frightening, this is why the world hates us.

Oh, and "you cockmouthed html-abusers" is probably the best line ever. And no, YOU rock, sir, ma'am, or tranny.

From Anothernonymous:
hahha the person who just wrote is amazing. but not as good as anton. aright. i have a topic id like to discuss too. I think i will title this: TROUBLE PICKING AN AIM SCREEN NAME?
It seems these days every cliche' Louis Vuitton bag owning, sloppy-mouthed girl has found herself online. It only took a casual 17 some odd years for it to catch on to their demographic. Nevertheless, this presents a clear problem for AIM and Yahoo users, how can we accomodate so much heavy flow of useless mundane conversations about implied glances and how "he totally used this fake, well not fake fake, but a voice that like was trying to say, well something, you know?" sort of comments? We need a regimented formula for lame people to pick their screen names. Originality is a hard bag I tell ya.

Don't start off picking something random like naming yourself after an office product you see lying around. The name "staplerfuckwhiteout" is probably already taken, plus it doesn't let the intelligent people know to stay away from you. You need to give people fair warning about who you are. Clothing brands of an expensive nature usually or any materialism let people know that effectively represents you. Like for instance, my aim name is "HotAbercrombiefuckmyassbutnotgay" see how it conveys exactly what I am into in a concise manner?

You don't need to be an invaritable Faulkner implementing anadiplosis and shadow imagery: its just an AIM name. Just be formulaic take like a base word like "hot, sexy, kitty, gurl, nymph" and add some decorative xx's in front of perhaps a 69 or 420 or 666 at the end for good measure just so people know where you stand on the issues.

Like if I were a lame girl trying to be cliche my AIM name would be like "xxsexdeepthrt4u69" But I think that is too many letters, dangit, and I don't have a vagina, double dangit.

Well its a simple formula, just slap those together and be on the lookout for perverts online, contrapositively, 13 year old girls look about 35 these days, so duly note that as well. well, I'm off to my vaginoplasty surgery so I can make the aforementioned screen name when i get back...

There are a few points I want to hit on this. First, the only screen names that I know of that are like "xxsexdeepthrt4u69xx" are the ones that used to im me constantly asking if I wanted to see pictures of a girl, a donkey, and loose morals. For whatever reason, that has thankfully stopped (I prefer horses, anyway). In fact, I think that aim screen names go the opposite direction. The problem with screen names is that once you have one, it's almost impossible to change it. I've had the same screen name since I was 14, and I'll be damned if I'm going to im 200 people to tell them I changed my name. At college, there are tons of people with downright silly screen names because they made them in their pre-teens and are as lazy as me.

The worst part about screen names is the anonymity, and the idiots that don't realize when you get an im from "GiantsLovr1986" is Jeff. Why the christ wouldn't you say who you are when you im people? When did ims not become like a telephone? You don't call someone and wait for them to guess who it is on the other line. I have had countless ims from people who just start conversations with small talk and keep going while I sit, confused, trying to piece the identity together from seemingly useless profile information. "Ok, ok, they have a girlfriend...who do I know has a girlfriend that I don't talk to online?" I've reached the point now where if you don't care enough to inform me of who you are, I just don't care. Keep talking, we'll keep small talking, and you can go your merry way while I try and find more girl and horse porn.

From Anonymously Anonymous:
Dear Manton,

What are the symptoms of gonorrhea?

-A concerned reader

An empty bottle of Jack, a pack of untouched condoms, a cotton mouth that reeks of bad decisions, and someone else in your bed who has some cold sores you swear you didn't notice last night. Other clues are scratching until it bleeds, having the sudden urge to clap (that's where the name came from, right?), or having intimate relations with me.

Oh shit, Luke, sorry dude. I should have given you the heads up. Whoops. Oh well, we'll get'em next time.

From Lizzie:
I just wanted to say that I am a faithful reader- I have yet to miss one blog. Gerri Ann is also a supporter. In fact, when you wrote the Manton and Women blog, Ger texted me to inform me that you mentioned me in it (the braces... yea).

Thank you for keeping us interested! I have nothing to ask but if i do, I know where to come to.

Keep up the good work!

It's always weird to me how I try and act like I don't know the people who right in. For example, I know exactly who Lizzie and Gerri Ann are. In fact, I probably know who most of my readers are. To look more professional and also to try and pull off the illusion that I have more readers than I really do, I'll try and not recognize the name or the personal touches in an email or comment. So thanks Madios for reading, I appreciate it. Also, it wasn't braces, the line was distinctly "I'm much better without my retainer." And that is the best pillow talk line ever. It's nice to know that if you have a question in the future that you'll come to me. I will give you the answer right now: only if the price is right.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

good one! i just added a lot of fresh emo backgrounds on my blog