Monday, April 24, 2006

The Triumphant Return of "That Guy"

You certainly can never escape That Guy. You know who I'm talking about. It's not that easy to explain as much as it's easy to point out. That one kid in your class who always does that...that thing or the girl on the street who you see, you know...she just...come on, you know what I'm talking about! If you want a concrete example, I was That Guy once. When running out of the house to see the movie Spider-Man on opening day I threw on the only shirt that was clean - my Amazing Spiderman ringer t-shirt. After sitting down, I overheard the guys behind me. One of them said, "dude, how can you wear the shirt to the movie you're seeing? He's totally That Guy." The phrase was coined. And then I stole it.

This entry is dedicated to those kinds of people. While I do say "That Guy," I also will include girls as a Guy, because saying That Girl is soooo 1970s. If you want to see the previous That Guy column featuring Guy In Class Who Thinks He's Better Than You Guy, Guy In Class Who KNOWS He's Better Than You, and of course, Overly Needy Guy, click here. Now it's time to start ranting.

Wearing Too Much Cologne Guy - I was in the elevator returning from the local convenience store with cereal at 1:30 AM, much like any college student would do, when this Guy wanted to take the magical climb upwards in the "special moving box" with me. As soon as I saw him I could smell him, finally knowing what it must feel like to be a jungle cat. The real problem was when he got into the elevator I felt like I was being tear gassed in Waco (ya know, before it was scorched). The smell of Polo almost suffocated me. Thank God I live on the 5th floor, because if I lived on the 8th, I don't know if I'd be alive to recount this story to you, friends. Whoever thought that more girls like you based on how good you smell/your ability to be used in a hostage situation was, in a word, misguided.

Wearing Shorts In The Snow Guy - It's February. It's New England. More specifically meteorologists' greatest adversary: Boston. Honestly, if you just throw out random weather predictions, you'll be correct. (Let's see....70 and sunny, then 35 and snowing, then 50 and raining! Folks, I've lived it). There is no reason for anyone to have shorts out in February. None. You're not some sort of bad ass, showing everyone how NOT cold you are. "Look at you pussies with your sensible, leg-covering garments! You're all sissies! Look at me and my bare legs! Please look?" I hope the only attention you receive is medical attention when they amputate both of your legs because you have frostbite you ass.

Can't Hit On Chicks Guy - While waiting for the T, I noticed a somewhat attractive girl. Instead of going over there and starting up an awkward conversation, I stayed to myself and continued to rock out with my iPod (a lot of Captains and Coke will do that to a person). Another boy decided to take the plunge, however, and started what turned out to be a fifteen minute conversation with the lass, mostly because metro transit in Boston is as dependable as Doc Gooden in a crack house. He started up a conversation and, jealous of this man's confidence, I listened in. What I heard was probably the worst conversation ever, let alone one that involved a boy trying to pick up a girl. I heard things like "oh man, yeah, that's crazy, like, you'd think that like, nah, but like, totally hahaha!" The guy did not stop. I wanted to step in, but, well, the ten-minute version of Betterman came on....

Puts Up An Away About The Cell Phone Being Good Guy - This usually pertains to girls, but it has been seeping over to the penis-having side of humanity recently. Here's what I don't understand: if you have a decide that is always portable and is almost always at your side, why would you feel the need to update us that it works? Isn't the point of a cell phone to be a device where you can always be reached? My next away will be "Hey, I'm not here, but you can im me." Alert me when your cell phone decides to tame lions, club baby seals, or simply not work. Until then, I'll assume I can call you.

Sexual Joke Waaaay Too Early Guy - I was in my film class one day when one boy asked if anyone wanted gum, mostly talking to myself and another girl. We all obliged, even though it is Juicy Fruit. For those not in the loop, the ole' J. Fruit is notorious for having incredibly short lived taste. I'm talking LFO short. The girl pointed this out, saying "well, it'll be a great five minutes, at least." Without skipping a beat I blurt out "yeah, that's a philosophy I hold dear," making an obvious illusion to my non-existent sexual prowess. It did not receive a chuckle, or a polite giggle. No, no it received the most dreaded of all reactions, namely, a non-existant one. On a scale of 1-10, with one being an awkward cough and ten being uproarious laughter with various liquids shooting out of noses, I registered a big fat zero. I have not talked to the girl since, and I'm pretty sure she avoids direct eye contact.

Guy Wearing Little Boy Clothes Guy - En route to class one day I peered upon a man in his mid-to-late thirties in clothes that should be worn exclusively by children aged 5-8. He was outfitted with khaki shorts that ended just below mid-thigh while sporting a tucked-in collared shirt that was about two sizes too large. His calves were adorned with those olive green "I'm somewhat important" socks and black dress shoes. Keeping his shorts up at naval-level was the "my first fancy belt," completing the package. He looked so incredibly creepy I was skeeved just looking at him, staring into his vacant, soulless eyes while trying to avoid the obvious combover. If he were to speak in a British accent--the creepiest of all accents--I would have literally shit my pants in terror. I have shit my pants many times folks, but never, and I mean never in fear. Well, except that time at the circus three years ago...god damn seals....

Cell Phone On Vibrate Guy - Your cell phone is equipped with different methods to alert you of incoming calls, texts, or other forms of communication for a given situation. For example, you have "really loud hit song mode" for parties, "really sappy song for when my 'boo' calls mode" for the every day, and silent for times where your phone should not go off. This includes when being in the library, in class, or during a test. Vibrate does not equal silent. Every time during one of my huge tests (300 people) when we were told to turn our cell phones off or on silent, there goes the phone. BZZZZT! BZZZZT! BZZZZT! Have you realized how loud those motors are that make your phone into a makeshift sex toy? The best part is that people would rather listen to that shake all day rather than suffer the embarrassment of turning their phone off. One time in class this girl needed to be told urgent information because someone called her four times. She never once turned the phone off. It BZZZTed for about two minutes straight. A simple word of advice to heed from the Almost Enlightening staff: It's better to be embarrassed than end up in the hospital via a pen through the nape of the neck.

Guy Who Is Overweight Who Always Wears Shorts And A Sweatshirt Guy - Is there some sort of rule or universal law that I was never told about? Any time that I see a guy in mild weather, he is NEVER wearing pants and a t-shirt. For some reason, it has become an adopted code of honor to walk around exclusively in a combination of shorts and a sweatshirt. Think about the last time you saw your overweight male friend and think about what he was wearing. Exactly. What is the reason for this? Shame? Hide the top part because overweight people usually have oddly thin legs? Someone should get into the brotherhood as an undercover operative and give us all the reason. I cannot volunteer as I was already in that group for about three years, and like a draftee in Nam, there's no fucking way I'm signing up for a second tour of duty.

Guy Who Takes His Laptop To The Bathroom With Him In A Public Place Guy - As I was entering the bathroom at the George Sherman Union (eats, drinks, chicks, tables, you know the drill) a guy left the bathroom and walked passed me. This is not unusual in anyway, but something caught my eye. In his hands was a laptop. For a moment, I was absolutely baffled. The moment was fleeting as the Gatorade I had previously imbibed was making a quick escape, but for the rest of my time in the bathroom I tried to figure out the workings of such a move. This boy was so paranoid about having his laptop stolen that he ran the risk of dumping it into a toilet. But the schematic of the situation didn't work out right. How do you urinate in a urinal (oooohhhh! that's why it's called that!) while holding a laptop? Are you forced to pee girl-style in a stall? Also, would you have to go through the decision of either precariously holding it (the laptop, perverts) in one hand while you pull up your pants or do you put it on the ground of a public bathroom? How do you put it down by a sink and then wash your hands? Couldn't you soak the motherboard causing a quick and painful death to your computer (not to mention your stash of anime, porn, anime porn, and I guess school work)? Economists, what's the risk factor here?

Offended? Have your own "That Guy" to talk about? Leave a comment. Since asking (see: begging) for people to leave comments, I have so far accumulated about five, including three from Partha, one from an anonymous, and one from my mom who was ironically calling me out on my misspelling of "overbearing." I know a lot more of you read this (I know because I stalked a hundred or so of you - don't make me do it again) so speak up.


PT said...

Sing-along with his iPod Guy -

He's the guy that ends up waiting in line right behind you while you're at the grocery store, the GSU, or even the library. It may seem annoying and completely rude at first, but it's okay...he's courteous enough to only have one of his earbuds in. That way he can pay attention to how annoyed you are AND hear all of the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway". Yet despite his attempts to handle both his environment and his MP3 player, he's still horribly out of tune and louder than everyone else around him. Thanks, iPod guy. You've not only ruined my studying experience at the BPL but have killed my love for Kelly Clarkson as well.

Pam said...

Oh man, I had an encounter with Can't Hit On Chicks Guy tonight. Shockingly, his "I love the NBA" comment didn't get him anywhere... and neither did "Do you like Motley Crue?!" I later found out that the reason his moderately attractive friend had struck up a conversation with us was in an attempt to get some play for Can't Hit On Chicks Guy. Awesome.

Anonymous said...

"omg kill me now i have so much to do" guy

Anonymous said...

BLATANTLY stares at you from across the room in class guy.