Sunday, April 02, 2006

Second Worst Holiday Ever: April Fools!

Imagine a day where all of the worst, hackiest jokes come around. Imagine one day each year where it is not only accepeted, but expected, to be a completely distrustful douchebag. Imagine a day when you hear more shit jokes per minute than in ALL of ABC's sitcoms. Imagine a day when all trust and faith in humanity goes completely out the window. That day does exist, and god dammit do I hate it with a burning passion.

I LOATHE April Fools Day.

I don't hate it as much as I hate Valentine's Day, but it's pretty close. You might ask yourself, "why, Michael? You are a man of quick wit and humorous undertones in your daily speech, one would assume that you would delight in a day of joviality and horseplay that is the heart of April Fool's Day!" To which I say, "go fuck yourself with your stupid ass holidy." It has brought me nothing but confusion and pain. I will elaborate, of course.

My first brush with Hilarity Day was in first grade. My teacher, Mrs. Cohen, had prepared the classrom in a strange way. For the first time ever, she pulled down the screen that is used by overhead projectors and the like, and it covered the blackboard. Wasting no time, everyone sat down and Mrs. Cohen excitedly said that we had a pop quiz. At this point, we had never even had a "quiz." I don't think we even had tests other than "don't pee yourself" and "keep that crayon out of your nose." No one was sure what this "pop quiz" was, except that we luckily knew it was something bad, as The Wonder Years and Saved by the Bell had told us. Just as soon as we grasped the idea of a pop quiz, she pulled up the screen and written on the board was April Fools! At that point we tried to figure out what April Fools meant. Good job confusing children, educator.

I soon learned what the day meant and was told by a friend of mine a way to get my Dad. Sujoy told me about a deliciously devilish prank in which you unscrew the cap/head of the showerhead and fill it with Gatorade powder. This way, it will mix together making the water taste like lemon--or more specifically "yellow"--and look like a different color, totally freaking my Dad out! There are numerous problems with this premise. First, the water tastes and looks differently because it's a mixture in a contained environment, and not some sort of magic chemical cohesion that can happen once water hits powder. I would assume that the water wasn't yellow or lemon-lime. No one would ever REALLY know for sure because my Dad lets the water run for about five minutes before getting in. Oh, and he's as blind as Mr. Magoo without his glasses (which one discards of while showering) so he wouldn't have noticed any change anyway. My first prank ever is a miserable failure.

Dad was too difficult a target, so I decided to hunt fish in a barrel and go after my good ole' mom. The thing with my mom is that she scares incredibly easily. It's ridiculous, actually. I will be walking down the hallway in my tiny house, and she'll be walking the other way. We will meet at the hallway intersection and she'll scream, even though you can hear me creaking with each step. She will then hit me, say "stop trying to scare me!" and walk away, when all I really wanted to do was pee. Nothing more. Honest.

I had a great idea that the best way to get at Mommy dearest is to scare her, since it's incredibly easy to do. I cannot lose. I used to have a My Buddy doll which, frankly, horrified me. It would scare me so that my Dad had to lock it in his Accord's trunk when I went to bed. Why not toss it you ask? Cause I loved venting my fear out by beating the shit out of it. It was theraputic because it used to scare me; vicious cycle indeed. I let my dad in on it, because if I couldn't get a gag on him, he should at least be on my side. I placed the foot-and-a-half plush doll in the pantry and waited til morning.

Turns out, Dad opened the pantry by accident and the My Buddy fell to he floor. He stuffed it back in, but somehow jammed it into the door. When my mom opened the door to get my breakfast, the doll sprung out towards her legs. She fell backwards, screaming, almost hitting her head on the counter by the sink. LOL!!1 I nearly lost my head for that one.

Thankfully, I never learn lessons. Two years later, I was watching Nickelodeon. They obviously wanted a rise in child beatings because they had little jokes that you can play on your parents in between the shows. One of them was to put a rubberband on the spray-attachment you use to power-blast ketchup and chinese food off of dishes. I thought it was rather clever, so I put it on and waited. Luckily, as soon as you put the water it would transfer directly to the sprayer and hilarity would ensue! What I did not take into consideration was aiming the nozzle, so when my mom turned the sink on, the water went directly past her and landed on the pile of bills. She had no idea what was going on, so she stood there watching the bills getting soaked beyond recognition, very confused. Finally, she figured it out, just as I ran in saying "APRIL FOOLS DAY!" Needless to say I'm happy that I still have all limbs.

That was the last april fools joke I ever made.

However, every year I get duped because I'm a trusting person. This year's prize went to Tom Lupfer. Good ole' Tom and I hadn't spoken for a while, so when I rolled out of bed at 11:43 I imed him to say hello. I asked him how he was and he said awful, that he broke up with his girlfriend (and my friend) Mer, with whom he had been seeing for a good number of years. I welcomed him to the club, and we commiserated until he had to go to work. Then, he left me with "And april fools day you gullible bastard!" I was upset, not because he took my friendship and faith and shit all over it, but because I just woke up and did not realize what the date was.

This day is horrible for one final reason - how can you take bad news seriously? If I get a call saying Grandma's dead, I'll laugh and say, "man, that's not even far-fetched!" If my (ex?) girlfriend comes up to me and says I'm pregnant, I'll kick her in the stomach in the direction of the nearest stair case before she has the chance to say "AP."

Don't take people's trust and crap over it people. Trust is a very important thing. That's why I trust in you guys to not let anyone know that I'm gay and I've been dating my pool boy, Eduardo, for the last 4 years.


...but I do have an eduardo.....


Cara said...

I dunno which is funnier...the fact that Tom did that to you, or that you believed him. :) Bwahahahaha....FUCKPIG! AND HE CAUGHT IT!!!!!

Say hello to Eduardo for me.

Pam said...

Oh my goodness, I pulled the same thing on my dad with the faucet spray nozzle... except it drenched him as he stood there in "Where is this water coming from? I think I'll just remain here in shock and see if it stops" fashion. So said Dad: "There's a fine line between cruelty and a joke." Oops.

That's up there with the time I put a fake arm in my mom's car so it looked like someone was stuck under the driver's seat. Heh.

Anonymous said...

Ms. Cohen called... she's pregnant... and you're the father...

OOOPS! April fools! Gotcha :-P

Manton said...

Mrs. Cohen's easily like 70 - I'm pretty sure it's impossible for her to conceive. Also, weren't you aware that I'm a pedo? Jeez, keep up with the times!

And I hate not having a tracker cause I don't know who "anonymous" is. Dammit. Leave your names, you faceless hordes!

Partha said...

"Sujoy told me about a deliciously devilish prank in which you unscrew the cap/head of the showerhead and fill it with Gatorade powder"



Sujoy said...

holy shit i totally remember telling u that... haha too bad i never tried it myself and only heard about it on nickelodeon