Sunday, March 05, 2006

gone

From possible death to heart ache, this blog is really running the comedy gamut, folks.

Tonight, Haley and I broke up after being together for (slightly) more than two years. It's hard to say that, actually, because it just seems like such a finality. After all we had been through, all the distance we travelled, all of the experiences we shared, it's...over. Like that.

I've had girlfriends in the past, as you can read about on this very site, but there hasn't been anything that has had the scope or importance as this relationship. In fact, almost no relationship in my life has meant as much as the one I shared with her. It's more than just a relationship - it was my life for a long, long time. It's weird to think that you can give so much to another person, someone you just happened to meet during a volleyball game. After almost 20 years of life, I never had something so extraordinary impact my life.

It's hard to try and cope with it when you now how great things were, and you don't understand why they can't continue. She either wanted to move on, or try new things, or I don't know...all I know is that her plans didn't involve me. Bless her heart, she tried to fight it, but in the end, she believed that she has to go and try new things out. This all started off as a one month "we're still dating but we can do whatever" break. I felt that wasn't good enough - if she wanted to explore new things, I wouldn't hold her hand through it. I got what I wanted, and it's the worst thing I've ever willfully accepted.

I've always prided myself with being good with words, but I can't muster up the right adjectives nor the correct nouns to follow them. After I left her place, I came back with the feeling of "well, it's her problem, I'll be fine." Then, I got angry at her for throwing this away after all of this time. Now, now I'm just disappointed, not really of her, but that what I thought would happen didn't. I figured we'd break up - hell, we've been dating through half of her high school career, the end would have to come. But I never figured now. I never figured soon. I always thought some time in the unknown future, maybe a future devoid of this hurt and pain.

I was foolish to think that this wouldn't be anything but devastating, as it certainly is just that. Most of the "pack it away" stuff has already been done: prom picture in a frame, wallet photo, stand alone shot, all put away in the "Haley box" and neatly secured in my closet. I went onto facebook and after only being "In A Relationship with Haley Brewer" for about a week, took that down. Then, I changed my profile from "we belong together" to "vacant." It's not just a play on words, it's just suitable.

"We belong together" is just as suitable, I feel. We do. That's not just me trying to rationalize things or try and make it better. I truly feel that we work on every single level. The original plan was to last a month and then see what happens after that month...but we'd still be dating. Now that I severed this, I just don't know what will happen. I love her, I love her with everything I have, but she just isn't interested anymore. She tried to stick it out for whatever reason, be it loyalty or comfort, but she had already made up her mind before I came home. What I regret the most about this experience is that she didn't give me the opportunity to show her why we were in love for so long. All I had was a disinterested girlfriend to come home to. That hurt the most.

It's hard to complain because I had such an amazing two years. It's selfish, but so accepted, so I guess it's ok at this point. I've been writing this thing over the last hour between the ims and a call, so I don't even know what I'm talking about. I don't want to look up at what I've written, because I just...I'm sure you understand. I want her to be happy, and I think she'd be happiest with me, but that's not for me to decide anymore. I'm powerless to stop her leaving my life, and it drives me crazy. I gave her everything, and if she doesn't want it, I can't help it.

Here's to new beginnings - a sham to cover up the fact that I want the old way to continue.

I'll try and put something funny up later. We'll see. This is getting far too serious for my liking.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

:(
i still think ur the best "cousin" ever mike

-deb

the ardist said...

That's the problem, manton, with other people: They aren't you.

Good luck moving on.

Oh... and get used to moving on. Although it may seem depressing, how you move on reflects more on who you are than...well, a damn hell assload of things.