Sunday, February 05, 2006

I wish I was the grounds for fifty million hands raised and open toward the sky

Pardon the overly sentimental and very obvious title for a blog entry. I'm listening to Pearl Jam and I needed a title, since "some more random shit" just doesn't have that good of a ring to it. So, instead, I took some lyrics from Wishlist. The title has absolutely nothing to do with what comes after it. Except for this right now.

What's that? Did I just blow your fucking mind?

There are many articles of clothing that we have on that we accept being wet. For example, if we get a wet t-shirt it could be blamed on a ride at a water park, hanging out by the pool, or trying to get fifty bucks from some horney college guys in Cancun so that they can get afford the plane ticket after they squandered it on those damned body shots. Wet boxers or panties are also acceptable as we've all gotten drenched in the summertime by a water balloon or the like...on top of other reasons why those would be a tad...moist.

The one article of clothing that we all refuse to have wet are socks. Socks were never meant to be wet. There is no justification to say that they should be. Tucked oh so comfortably into your shoes, they are meant to keep your foot warm while the shoe itself keeps the foot dry. The sock is simply not given the responsibility of being water resistant; just cozy. When the shoe fails, and the inside gets soaked, we're never really pissed that our feet themselves are wet. No, we get upset that we're walking around now with a sock that gladly sucks all that water up and squishes back and forth, making a complete mockery out of the "stay dry and warm" system of our shoes and socks. The worst, though, is when you're walking around in your socks and you get them wet on your own. Immediately, they are kicked off, discarded in anger and disgust, and you move on to a new pair. Socks are really bastards sometimes.

To go along with the theme of getting wet, one of the most disgusting things is when the toilet flushes and it splashes you on the hand. The worst part about the whole scenario is that you're trying to do the right thing. Your Mom always told you to put the seat down, and you do, and all you get out of it is a hand sprayed with water that was rushing to wipe away your fecal matter. While it can be said that the water is probably clean, as it has yet to be sullied by your waste...it comes from the place where you just took a shit or a piss. To think that it's wholly clean is impossible, possibly insane. If I got a brand new toilet and I did a test flush, and some got on my hand, I would still freak out. Anything that comes from a toilet is evil.

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and they just drop the "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend" seemingly out of nowhere? Recently, I was buying The Aristocrats on DVD, and I was making minutely small talk with the girl behind the register. She was no more than a couple years older than me, and I wasn't doing anything other than being nice. She asked how I was, I answered, asked how she was, no big deal. Then she says, "yeah, this is a great flick...but my boyfriend didn't really understand it. So I had to explain it to my boyfriend." Dropping the boyfriend/girlfriend is clearly a defense mechanism, and I feel it was unfairly thrown upon me. I wasn't hitting on her, merely being polite, and what do I get to show for it? Having her beat me over the head that she's not single.

It's such an awkward point when a significant other is brought into the equation. A few times when I've been at parties or in class and I'm talking to girls, I eventually have to drop it. Not because they're coming on to me (ha!) but because it just seems natural that when they talk about a shitty band I'll say "oh, my girlfriend loves them." Then there's that pause. "....oh. Tell me about your girlfriend." Girls love acting like they care about it, when they're just being polite. They really don't care, but have to acknowledge you randomly dropping in that you have a girlfriend to try and steer it away from being incredibly awkward. I can't wait until I'm talking to some guy and I get 'oh, my boyfriend' so I can finally make that leap that I always wanted - accidentally hitting on a gay man.

Finally, I would like to tell you that recently, I was That Guy. There are many ways you can become That Guy, but recently I fell into the category for a few reasons. First, I knocked over my lab seat because I put my heavy ass coat on that thin amalgamation of metal. There was a huge crash, everyone looked at me, and they all knew: I was That Guy. Coming home from class on a rainy day, I was too close to the street, and also a giant puddle. I got splashed all over my pants. When I crossed the street, two girls crossing towards me giggled and looked. We all knew I was so That Guy.

Other reasons for getting That Guy qualification:
-Wearing a shirt from home of the band you're going to see in concert
-Wearing a shirt from home of the super hero whose movie you're going to see (I actually did this by accident. Fuckin' Spider-man).
-Making the obvious play-on-a-last-name joke that everyone has already made, but you think you're fresh and original
-Not liking a piece of music or film because "it's too popular" or "it sold out"
-Ruining the ending of a movie without proper SPOILER notification
-When you're in a fast-food place, or any sort of eatery really, and you drop your food or spill your drink. Bonus points for if your drink was in a glass bottle.

I know people don't like contributing, but here is your chance. So do it, god dammit. Are there any other times when you could be That Guy? Leave a comment and a scenario or two - give back to the drivel you currently read. It's like the Back to Africa campaign, except not racially driven. Or anywhere near the possibility of contracting AIDS.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

That guy that always walks in the room while a couple people are smoking a blunt, knowing he wasnt invited and pretends like he had no clue that a blunt was going around. This guy never throws money in on it or anything.

i know this should go in the "people i hate"... but whatever. this type of guy can be considered "that guy"

Anonymous said...

... -Making the obvious play-on-a-last-name joke that everyone has already made, but you think you're fresh and original ...

This does not necessarily need to apply to last names. Similarly, That Guy can make the same joke as someone else has just made a few moments prior but that the Guy in question did not hear.

Anonymous said...

"Similarly, That Guy can make the same joke as someone else has just made a few moments prior but that the Guy in question did not hear."

Hey, my stupid roommate does that all the time!

-Scotty D

Pam said...

That guy who shows up to the party and all he can say over and over again is, "I'm sooooo drunk right now." Because he is.

Oh, and here's a tip for combatting toilet water splash: put the seat down BEFORE you flush. (Gasp... she's right!)

Anonymous said...

I thought I was That Guy once. But then I realized I'm a girl

-Kelly S

Cara said...

Kudos on the splashing toilet commentary....I swear I never encountered a splashing toilet until THIS YEAR, in my dorm room...now I jump out of the way right after I flush...

Let's see, "That Guy".......
That guy is the one who is talking really loud at a gathering, and then suddenly everyone shuts up and all you hear is "muttermuttermuttermutterMY DEAD GERBIL COLLECTION."