Thursday, January 05, 2006

A Culture Against Protection

In anticipation of the massive (and almost final) Manton Vs. Women column, I have decided to vent on this. Also, it gives more of a punch for the next story, which is the greatest story told since Moses did something with some water or something.

Why is it that any time I want to buy condems I always feel like a scumbag? Condoms are wonderful things, (almost always) saving people from unwanted things like herpes, HIV, and babies (which is worse?). Although priced a bit steep at one dollar per wonderful piece of "I can't feel shit through this fucking thing" latex, it is a great product. So why is everyone ashamed of having them?

The first time I went to buy condems was a uniquely terrible experience. First off, I went in and made a b-line toward feminine products. I then stopped and looked to the left for what is described as "incontinence products," saw adult diapers, and let out a "teehee!" as I pointed. I know karma is going to have me in those things from 30 years on. God damn you karma. Anyway, just as I get to the condems I realize they are smack dab in the middle of pharmacy desk. I think to myself, "man, this makes it so the person behind the desk blatantly knows that you're buying condems." Looking up, I see a parent I know, who also happens to be a minister.

I quickly panic and turn to the left, checking out sweet tampons and pads. When he says "hello Michael" I turned, obviously pulled away from my deep probing of the different brands and kinds of stop-things-from-bleeding items and engaged in a short, awkward conversation. He asked how I was doing, I replied and asked in kind, and he replied. His phone rang, and in the half second it took him to pick it up, I grabbed a pack of trojans and ran to the front.

I thought I was clear in the nearly empty store until a mother and a child of nine years old walked up to me to stand in line. Without giving a thought to the fact that the kid wouldn't know what a condom was before he was 15 (hopefully before it's too late, kids are fucking like rabbits nowadays), I tucked it away in my upper arm. Also while on line, I figured it might be strange for me to just buy condems, so I picked up a candy bar, too. After paying for both items, I'm sure I looked like a bigger creep, especially when the candy in question was a Butterfinger.

Recently while purchasing more condems (ooohhh yeeeeaaaahhh) I ran into an interesting development - there were people everywhere. When I went to pay, the person behind the desk double wrapped the condems (bought alone...although the Milky Way was tempting) as if to say "you're a terrible person and I will help you hide from the harsh and critical view of society." At another CVS in New York (in a mall, no less), they are locked up. Apparently that is to ensure that they aren't stolen, but that line of reasoning does not help my argument. Therefore, they are locked up for extra embarassment. Bastards.

My thought? Make condems free, and end HIV, herpes, and the furthering of the human race ! Hurrah!

Well, except for those 5% whose condems are defective. HA HA! Enjoy procreating, you fucking losers!!!!

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