Saturday, December 16, 2006

That Guy IV: I'm Probably Talking About You

Almost Enlightening is on the cusp of its 100th post. I have no idea when that came about. Since this is the 99th post, I figure that there needs to be something of great importance to this blog itself before the self-important century post. What encapsulates this collection of various forms of writing and different ideas, moods, and lengths? What is the one sort of post that I can put up which also captures the holiday mood? What is the one piece that can be so uplifting that you can forget about all the terrible looking—and ill fitting—clothes you acquired over the last few days that you never wanted in the first place? There is only one answer: That Guy it is.

What is That Guy, you ask? At this point, not knowing the term could make you That Guy. You’re “That Guy” whenever you act out in a certain way, usually in a group, that has some sort of bad precedent. Wearing a shirt of the band you’re seeing in concert? You're That Guy. Drop the Snapple bottle in the middle of the food court? You’re That Guy. This term can be used with either sex, but I think Guy just sounds better. If you want past reference, you can see the first, second, and third iterations of this time-honored holiday tradition (note: no other post was written by a holiday, let alone Christmas). What better way to pay homage to Jesus? God Bless us, every one! Well, not everyone….

Pays No Attention To Oncoming Traffic Guy - Sometimes seen with an iPod, this common creature is indigenous to the Boston metro area. He is susceptible to self-centeredness so severe that he believes all cars must stop for him. Evidently, getting to his destination is vastly more important than anything else...including fighting for the same space of asphalt as a two-ton vehicle barreling down at 35 MPH. When a car tries to go in its normal path, they are at fault, not the asshole crossing the road at the wrong time.

Snores In Class Guy - We have all fallen asleep during class. Don't be ashamed to admit it. Once I woke up from a Physics video in high school to see that the entire class was watching as I drooled on myself, including a girl who I had a crush on pointing and laughing and yelling "eeeww!" Harrowing indeed. The problem is when you give yourself away by snoring. While we all laugh at you, you’re letting the professor know that you’re definitely not watching the film he’s showing. Here's to you, snoring guy, for your great sacrifice. Enjoy your B- while I write about you on the internet !

Contributes Too Heavily In Conversation Guy - You cannot possibly know this much about any subject that I happen to throw out in conversation. In fact, I know you don't, cause most of the stuff you're saying either doesn't make sense or has no baring on the topic at hand. Why do you continue to discuss ideas you don't understand? It's ok to stand in a circle and not say a word, smile when everyone else does, and occasionally throw out a chuckle while everyone else laughs. You can be a conversational chameleon. But no, you have to consistently open your mouth and talk about the Manhattan Project and how it was founded by Truman and the power of his bowtie. Next time, I'll hand you a shovel so you can try and dig yourself out of this stupid hole you can’t help but burrow in to.

Yelling With No Material Guy - There's always one guy at a sporting event who has a loud, booming voice and thinks anything that comes out of his mouth is funny. Just because we can all hear you doesn't make up for the fact that you have nothing of value to say. "YEAH...YOU TOTALLY SUCK! YEAH!" is not a good put-down. Doing a countdown to "Let's-Go-Yank-Ees" is unnecessary and confusing. Trying to start a chant with an unknown nickname for a player is not a good idea. Looking at everyone else like they have three heads when it doesn't catch like a California wild fire isn't the best way to set up that next genius cheer, either. Don’t fault us cause you’re a failure.

Likes Chuck Klosterman Guy - Fuck you, he sucks.

Takes It Too Seriously Guy - Dude, it's a pick up basketball game. Why are you so upset? You're throwing the ball around, walking off the court before the game is over, and nearly punched a hole in the glass door. The worst part is that you're not even helping your own cause. Your constant crying and carrying on doesn't mix with defensive ability and rebounding skills. You're just doing it to yourself, sweetie, so stop yelling "COME THE FUCK ON" at your teammates and hustle.

Hey buddy, why don't you put down that chair before you huck it across the room? It's week 9, and this loss isn't worth spackling the wall, is it? You're on the road, it's before the big playoff push, let's just smooth this out. You don't have any money riding on this, don't have any friends who root for the winning team, and you have a better record. It's ok. It's not a big.... I'm not helping you clean up, asshole.

Apparently Knows A Lot Guy - Look, I don't know why you're leaning in to ask me questions. I know just as much as you do, which seems to be little. “How do I upload video?” Uuhh...I guess you just...I don't know, sorry. Wait, what? Audio? I would guess the same as video? No, no I don't know video or audio. Yeah, no, neither. Sorry. I'm just going to get back to figuring out wait what's that? Audio mixing? Haven't the faintest. Can I just get back--no, no I guess I can't. Oh, well, thanks for calling me super helpful....

Really Loud Guy - WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS YELLING? IT'S 3 AM, WE'RE ALL SITTING AROUND PLAYING UNO, AND FOR SOME REASON YOU FEEL THE URGE TO SHOUT ABOUT YOUR LACK OF CARDS OUTSIDE OF THE ONE YOU PRESENTLY HOLD IN YOUR HAND. IT'S OK, YOU CAN WHISPER - THE SINGULAR CARD IN YOUR HAND IS ALL THE EXCLAMATION NEEDED. THANK YOU. OH SHIT, YOU FOUND A BEER? AWESOME. THE FRIDGE IS FULL OF THEM. NOT TOO EXCITING. JUST A HEADS UP - YOU'RE ALSO WEARING A PAIR OF SHOES. DON'T KNOW IF THAT WILL SET YOU OFF INTO A FIT OF SCREAMING, TOO. FIGURED I'D LET YOU KNOW AHEAD OF TIME TO AVOID BLEEDING FROM MY SHATTERED EAR DRUMS

Always Has Beer Guy - Alice in Wonderland always works its way into some guy's 30 pack. This guy is always with a beer in hand. It doesn't matter the make, kind, or general temperature, he is always loaded with booze. Theories on how this is possible:
-Has already staked out quality hiding spots in five spots, both indoors and outdoors.
-Really, REALLY deep pockets.
-Has mastered dark magic (in association with Coors Brewing Company)
-Containers in long sleeve shirts
-Is Jesus.

Now why can't you just give me one and not have to buy it for a buck? You're stacked like Costco!

Totally Out Of Place Guy - Apparently it's wrong to hang around school yards looking for playmates. It was cool for me 10 years ago. Fucking neo-conservatives polluting our nation....

Assumes You're Pregnant Guy - It is never, ever, ever, EVER a good idea to assume someone is pregnant. Do not go up to a girl and say "hey, when's the baby due?*" There is no winning answer. If she isn't pregnant, she'll become incredibly offended. If she is pregnant, she'll think she's built like a house. Then, she will cry, because the mixture of preggie hormones, the odd urge for cheese fries dipped in bacon grease, and self-esteem problems are the perfect storm. What is the desired answer in the first place? "3 months." Awesome! Help me find this in a large please.... Regrettable all around, really. Like asking a black guy "where's the rally?" while dressed in the standard ghost outfit.

Looking For: Random Play on Facebook Guy - Putting up "whatever I can get" is really pathetic, no matter if it's a joke or otherwise. It honestly makes me sad to read that. We've all been there, but you don't have to put it in a public forum, pal. But while that's pitiful, looking for "Random Play" is unforgivable. Who calls it "play" anymore? Should I bust out my Montell Jordan greatest hits and discuss the merits of parachute pants? Just put up "I'm an asshole, steer clear if you get this warning." I'll catch you on the flip side so we can discuss your "play," however random it might be.

Constantly Talks To Performer Guy - When you're at a show, be it a comedian, play, sketch, why do you feel the need to talk to the performers? When there is a sketch, you don't need to go "oh man what's going to happen?" That's implied. That's why we're here, because we're all asking that question, hoping that we’ll laugh. This isn't some fucking call and response show - you're not listening to someone play What'd I Say. Sit and enjoy the god damn show cause you're bugging everyone around you with your giant mouth and insipid comments. "Oh shit, what is he going to do?" He’s going to throw out a punch line I can't hear because you act like it's your turn to talk. Quiet, stupid. Couple that with a terrible laugh and I have the urge to jam a spear through your jaw line, Iliad style.

The only good part of this is when that same pain in the ass believes what is going on in the scene is real. When the performer is eating “curdled milk,” it is greatly assumed that the actor doesn't have to suffer for his art, but can find a reasonable (and safe) substitute but still generates the necessary reaction from the audience. But, because this person can't process information without saying it aloud for all to enjoy, they are dumbfounded by the whole act. "Oh my god," they say, "is he really eating curdled milk?" Yes. Yes you stupid fuck, he really is eating curdled milk. "It's all chunky! He's actually doing that!" Why would it be something like...cottage cheese? Go put on an iPod and pay no attention to that 18-wheeler. Try and use Chuck Klosterman as a shield while you’re out there.

Wasted By 11 O’Clock Guy - Is he joking? He plays a really convincing drunkard. Wait, that's for real? It's...it's 10:43. How can you pull that off? We started drinking at the same time and I'm not even buzzed. Is he inserting Everclear intravenously behind my back? When I went to pee, did he polish off a bottle of Johnny Walker? I'm befuddled at this sudden disparity. Holy crap, HE'S drunk too? Wait...am I the only one here who isn't drunk? How did this happen? I just showed up. We are still in college, right? Oh sweet Jesus who are you calling. Put the phone down. Please? No, don't do that, don't... Ok I'm leaving.

Gets Pissed About "Happy Holidays" Guy - You do know that there are other religious holidays outside of Christmas, right? While it is universally known that Christmas is the greatest holiday ever, not everyone celebrates it. Therefore, we can't just blanket everything with "Christmas." If someone came up to me and said "Happy Chanukah" I would be taken aback. "No," I'd say, "my family converted sometime around 1930, I think, but thanks anyway." Also, did it ever come to mind that Christmas and New Years are separate holidays, and therefore, when pooled together, are TWO holidays? Happy Holidays works. What’s the big deal here? Wal-Mart greeters aren’t trying to put an end to Catholicism; the Catholic Church is doing a fine job on its own.

And there you have it. Another That Guy is in the books. As always, add your own That Guys in the comments, or cop to being one of the ones mentioned above (this round I'm only one). Coming up is a really self-aggrandizing 100th post. But dammit, I get one per every 100, don't I? I'm entitled! You guys will be paid back though, because Erik is a god damn genius....

Happy Holidays

*credit for line to Brian Regan

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Boys and Girls: Sex

I have had an absolutely miserable past couple of days. How miserable? The highlight was drinking with about 8 classmates before my 2 o'clock Screenwriting lecture today. All we do is watch movies (today was the comedy 1, 2, 3 and a short that I didn't see the end to cause I broke the seal). Now, it's 3:35 in the morning. Instead of writhing around in bed aimlessly for the next hour or so while listening to Ron and Fez, I figured I would update this thing cause I have not done so in quite a while (and it was a diversion from the series, too).

Before I start this ultimate chapter, I would first like to say how helpful it has been to me. First, thanks to the classic differences between boys and girls, I have four pretty good posts, so thank you females for exisiting and the few girls I asked to get this ball rolling. Also, I have been well versed in girls complaining about boys so now when I helped a friend film her movie and I waltzed into six wine drinking women I was prepared, and did a good job. Finally, it allowed me to receive one of the best backhanded compliments of all time: you should get a job writing a column for a teen girl magazine. I still don't know if that's positive, and I never will. Either way, let's get sexy.

Tonight's post is brought to you by Bob Dylan - Highway 61 Revisited.

Lesbians are hot? Why?? You're not getting in on that action. This is a question that I have been asked since we all figured out what sex looked like (meaning when I was 13 and my friends and I saw our first porn at a sleepover...but more on that later). It's really simple math. We like seeing girls have sex. Unfortunately, the real way that you see sex is when guys are getting with girls. Save for insertion, we are constantly watching the girls and cringing at certain shots that put too much focus on the male part (or parts, however it may be). With lesbians--specifically the non-existent lip stick variety--you take out the part you don't want to see and add another desirable object. That's like going from having a cake then having a cavity filled to having a cake and being given another cake. Boy + Girl = ok, Boy + Girl - Boy + Girl = Girl + Girl = two times the expected amount of awesome.

This also leads into the unfairness of the sexes. We can see two girls and get off on it while rarely two guys really tickle a female's fancy. We also don't have to go through having periods (or cramps with said periods). Although dealing with the effects are never pleasant for our side, we definitely tip our hats...and run away for five days...even though even THAT pisses you off. And finally, we don't have to give birth: just support the kid through divorce, marriage, or not even getting married. Oh, the burden.

butt sex with a girl - how is that remotely attractive? This question came with an answer already given: I don't know, it's just another hole to stick it in. That's a pretty valid answer, I think. We just get bored. More than that, it's so dirty and weird and anatomically incorrect that it's appealing. It is one of those situations where we know you aren't going to say yes, so we chase and chase and chase and then we finally get there and...well...it's tight and painful for pretty much everyone involved. I do find it funny how some people simply make a "mistake," which absolutely blows my mind. It's like trying to drive through a tunnel and then making a sharp right and trying to drive through the middle of the tire, then looking at your wife like "well I misread the directions."

The weird reaction is when the girl says yes, or is ready from the beginning. That's something you joke about for laffs and laffs, not an actual invitation. Then, when that time comes, you have to man up because this is a special act. It's a call to the pen that you don't normally get, and when you have that shot in the majors, rook, you better take advantage. It's like an internship - great on the resume, but wasn't really worth the effort involved.

how come when guys think of threesomes they think of 2 girls but never 2 guys and a girl? Most straight men are born homophobic. It's true. There is just a certain level of acceptability that they are willing to take before the line is crossed and they run out of the room yelling about how much they love football and breasts. There are certain things I can take: the thought of men being together romantically, being around and friendly with other men and joking about sexuality, and jokes that involve light touching (not in bathing suit area). There are things I simply cannot take: showering with other guys, looking at anywhere but the wall while using a urinal (or simply not using them at all). Therefore, it is unconceivable that I would be able to have sex with another male naked and present and...accounted for, let alone be able to drink enough to shut that out and go along with it. It's just not going to happen.

Simple math: Guy + Girl + Guy = eehhh while Guy + Girl + Girl = two two TWO CHICKS AT ONCE! Mmmm, I love having more cake, especially Carvel Ice Cream Cake.

how come guys dont care about hooking up with a chick in front of their roommate? i would never go down on a guy while my roomie was there yet guys dont care I certainly fucking care, from both sides of the coin. First off, I can't pee with another person in the room, so lord knows how I'd go about having sex. How do you talk the girl out of it? "Ssshh, it's ok, he's blind...and deaf....so it's cool." Then again, alcohol is a wonderful lubricant.

For the roommate, I don't want him playing music too loud if I'm trying to sleep. How the hell am I expected to sleep through that? And how awkward would it be seeing some random girl naked having sex with the similarly awkward naked roommate? I have only seen one roommate naked, and that was because he would flex in front of a mirror before he hopped into the shower (and that was only the back end whilst he scampered behind the curtain, leaving his techno-blasting laptop on the sink for everyone’s enjoyment). I certainly didn't want to see that back end in action. Ugh. This is depressing. Whoever that guy is must be desperate, inconsiderate, or really open with his sexuality. Either way, he bugs me.

Would you get freaked out if a girl you're hooking up with told you she was a virgin? This is a very delicate question. I wouldn't get freaked out that she isn't experienced that way. It took me a few years past normal to get on the horse (34). And also, there is no universal age (although I think I'd go with South Park's 17 years), and if someone looks down on you, well, they can go fuck themselves...and certainly not you.

I say it's delicate because you don't want to de-virginize someone who actually holds that first bout with sexual intercourse as something special if you're not looking at this past a short-term situation. A friend of mine found out afterwards, and was kind of embarrassed to have had this girl had her first experience in the back of a car. I didn't--and still don't--see the big deal with first having sex with someone special. The real problem, as Kevin Smith wrote while discussing his film Chasing Amy, is that we expect to go to bed with virgins and have them fuck like whores, but somehow revert back to being virgins when the act is over. It's impossible. When you get down to it, sex is purely a physical act whose enjoyment is heightened with feelings behind it. But it's still simply a physical act when all is said and done. Some people don't see it that way, and it has to be respected. I don't believe in Jesus, but that doesn't mean I'll fuck him if he doesn't want to.

Wait what?!

1) why are simple cotton panties such a "let down"? Because while the act of sex is pretty simple (in-out in-out), the thought of it is amazing. I would love to understand what sex was like in the 50s, when it was very hush-hush and there wasn't any sort of graphic pornography; the common man’s how-to guide. Would people just come up with different ways to have sex? Did some guy just figure out on his own how to do doggy style after X number of times? I grew up in a time of internet porn, very well aware of all the different ways I wanted to have sex (and the various situations that I did not want to involve myself in, naked or not - the Germans are a fucked up people).

In society, sex is some sort of Holy Grail that is sought after and, once obtained, is life changing. That carries a certain amount of wait to it. If you think about having sex, then you think about the best possible situation. That's a really attractive girl in skanky--yet tasteful and expensive--lingerie. Cotton panties are like asking for an Xbox 360 and have someone dump a Sega CD on your lap. It just doesn't add up with the imagination, the ideal, the fantasy.

Cotton panties are fine if you're with someone for a while and you both just become lazy and only pull out the sexy undies for special occasions. If you're going out, you have to dress the part. You don't go to a wedding in shorts, you don't play basketball without your jersey, and you don't go out unless you have on underwear you would be comfortable with showing others in a sexual situation. It's the rules.

what is so sexy about a girl in sweatpants? I'll admit: I sort of have a thing for girls in athletic attire. Be it sweat pants and a tight plain t-shirt or short cloth shorts with knee-high socks (volleyball and soccer girls kill me every time). With full disclosure there, I'm not sure if others are on my side on this debate, but, I'll answer it from purely personal experience. I really hate it when girls get all dolled up all the time. I'd say about 75% of the time, girls wear at least too much make up, with about 20% wearing far too much. I don't want a girl who feels the need to cover up or add on artificial supplements that actually dampen your overall appeal. I want a girl who can wake up in the morning, wake the sleepies out of her eyes, and still be attractive. No, I'm not asking for too much. I don't get the high maintenance bullshit. Stop with the bronzer and the eyelashes and shadow and the blush and the....

what is with guys and porn? What's with girls and not watching porn? I think that's the more pressing question. We can all watch horrific things on the news, we can re-watch the attacks on the Twin Towers ad nauseam from the beginning of September til the end of the month, but you can't watch two people having sex? Really? They ask, "what's the big deal?" There is none, but you seem to make it one. It's ok for girls to be interested in something like porn because it's human. We have a fascination with seeing terrible things happen, why not something that inherently grabs our attention and chemically makes us excited? Or, you can be turned on by terrible things happening ON girls or guys, but, we're going to exclude the weirdoes here.

There is a certain infatuation with porn when you're a younger male that I simply cannot explain. One of my friends had a block box and got Spice or some other porn channel for free. One afternoon after about seven of us slept over, we went upstairs and started to watch porn. Mind you, we're all around 13 and have no idea what to do with this situation which is making things really uncomfortable. Someone has a pillow, someone is sitting Indian style with arms firmly across the crotch, and another is bent with groin facing away from the group. For five hours--five--we sat and watched porn. Around hour two I made a question of, "why are we still watching this?" It was quickly countered with, "What, you don't want to see naked chicks? What are you, gay?" I certainly wasn't gay and I certainly couldn't stand up in that situation without fear of knocking things over inadvertently on my way out the door, so I was trapped to continue to watch it.

To answer your question, watching porn is healthy, but there is nothing about being a male between the ages of 12 and 15. Nothing. I won't get into the masturbation habits, but it's suffice to say it's the greatest new toy ever that just keeps giving and giving and giving until it literally no one longer functions.

when guys claim to have no imagination about sexual fantasies, do they just not want to say something that might turn a girl off? Everyone is kind of freaked out when it comes to sex. No one knows the other person's boundaries. Someone could be freaked out if you move outside of missionary. On the other hand, someone would feel like sex isn't worthwhile unless they get pissed on. Of course guys have sexual fantasies. Don't girls? It's a common thing. But, a lot of stuff that we think 1) won't ever be done and 2) is ridiculous to verbalize. "Ok, so you're in the Pippi Longstocking outfit and have the football helmet full of cottage cheese...." Fantasies are usually just that - fantasies. They are impossible to reach and feel satisfied about, and are mostly so out of this world that they aren't feasible unless the person who fantasizes is incredibly dull or the partner is extremely loving and forgiving. The safe word is "fucked up."

what is more of a turn on, a girl in a towel or in lingerie? Lingerie. I've seen my mom in a towel.

There it is, folks. Hope your questions were answered, your mind opened a bit, and your enlightening almosted. It was fun while it lasted. Now I don't have to defend males anymore on the internet. Huzzah!

Post number 99 coming up, and if you have read this blog long enough, you should know what's coming next.... And no, the self-serving post will come at 100 you smarty pants out there.

Monday, November 27, 2006

A Literary Divide: The Advent of Booksism

Before indulging in the incredibly brilliant Borat (satire which is looked at as gross out humor) with a lady friend, we decided to waste some time in Barnes & Noble (saying Barnes And Noble is unacceptable - if they use an ampersand, so do you). While she went off to non-fiction, I tried to scour the store for more Woody Allen books. I had recently fallen victim to popular acclaim and purchased Chuck Klosterman's collection of essays Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto. Finding it to be elitist and trite, I promptly threw it out after indulging in two terrible chapters. Here is my impression of his work: Blah blah elitist this sucks, that sucks, Saved By The Bell reference, that still sucks, blah blah blah, Cosby Show reference, blah blah blah. I upgraded to Woody Allen and refuse to look back.

The way that this particularly giant B&N (even while shortening, still use the ampersand) was set up was rather disjointed. There was a smattering of non-fiction, then fistfuls of sci-fi, do-it-yourself books, photos, etc. The opposite side had "hobbies," sports, and war books just before teenager books before succumbing to the bright and shiny and happy children's section (notice how the teenager books bridge the gap, but are close enough to the children's section to extricate some resentment that they are closer to being kids than adults). Somewhere in this disarray I was to find the comedy stylings of Woody Allen. It was a daunting task.

After searching for a few minutes to find a more specific bookcase to peruse for his specific book, I stumbled past World War II books and found Sports. There are certain sports columnists who I simply adore. They have such a beautiful way of manipulating words to describe something as simple as making a three pointer, adding in all of the flair and history of an event that is superfluous in nature. I was sidetracked for a moment to try and find a collection of articles from any number of sports writers, be it Bob Ryan, Tony Kornheiser, Michael Wilbon, Frank Riley, et al. Instead, I found a myriad of books about a specific sport, alphabetized, starting with Baseball, then Cycling, and so on. Where are all the books about these sports? I don't want to know how to drive like Tiger, I want to read in dazzling prose how it looks and feels to see Tiger hit the drive on the 18th on his way to winning his first green jacket. Sadly, it can't be found. Upset, I forged past "Rock And Roll" and back into the world of fiction (squares didn't even call it Rock N' Roll).

The situation seemed hopeless. On the right wall were throngs of trashy romance novels that even Fabio dare not put his image on. To the left there were countless racks of magazines from unreadable to unreadable with hot chicks on the cover. Directly in front of me was "Java for Dummies" countered by "HTML for Dummies" on the adjacent book case. I was lost and saddened that I could not get the Woody I so longed for (even after passing FHM and Maxim and the racks on the racks to my left). In desperation, I went behind the Java books and next to Su Doku puzzle collections was the "Comedy" section.

One would assume that I would be happy to find what I had been looking for, the great white whale to my peg-legged long shore man. Instead, I became even more depressed to see what was set before my eyes. There was a Woody Allen book (Without Feathers) and then...bleakness. I scour for more smart, witty, society-damning works to find Larry the Cable Guy's autobiography (which in concept is funnier than anything contained in the book). Instead of finding something of substance, I find one of a hundred "Great Book of Jewish Jokes," written by someone named Goldberg or ending in -stein.

Why is there a snubbing of written works that are funny or satirical in nature? Why are the "lesser" than other works of literature? I'm sure they are hard to classify, as there aren't enough specific bookcases (see: Flyfishing, above Frisbee and below Football) to give them their due, but this is worse than calling it "memoirs." Why wasn't David Sedaris there? How does he escape this embarrassing ridicule? It's cause he's gay, isn't it! No, probably because he's on NPR, but still.

Comedy is a terrible idea for classification anyway. What is funny to some people is devout truth to others (Colbert Report north of Mason-Dixon is parody, south of the line is Gospel truth). If there is a comedy section, why isn't Gulliver's Travels, a biting satirical piece of fiction, there? I remember - because it's in the Children's section. Ugh. Our society should no longer laugh off what is in a book by Woody Allen or Steve Martin or any piece of satire. It is one of the few places where you can point out that the way things are going are so wrong and miscalculated that stating them in a serious manner would be utterly ridiculous and laughable. Do you think that if someone would take the Bush administration and write a book about it, send it back 30 years in the past, then publish it that it would be lauded as comedy or a prediction of things to come? Watch Dr. Strangelove or Network and see that we laugh off what is truly terrible.

Comedy writing should not be given the shaft it currently does. I feel that there is no proper term for it, so I decided to make one up. There's sexism for variance between the two sexes and racism for differentiation between races. Therefore, comedy writing is currently under the ills of Booksism, noun, meaning a literary divide between what is important and what is rubbish. Good writing is good writing is good writing, be it about the background of the mob from Woody Allen, the Celtics NBA title run by Bob Ryan, or Steve Martin's dissertation on hitting his mid-life without much crisis (but much defiance none the less).

Alas, it will never happen. Comedy is something to laugh off and keep with joke books. If I'm lucky, I'll be somewhere in that section one day, hopefully nestled right next to Allen (unless someone of importance has the last name starting with Alm- through Ans-). And, hopefully, someone will be just as angry when they search for my collection of silly comedy on the state of people and society and can only find a dozen "You Know You're A Redneck When..." books. I can only dream...that I'm published, have fans, and have enough of them to find disdain in where I'm placed. Man is that a stretch and a half.

Also, stop making Klosterman look better by saying he's a pop culture essayist. He's an elitist douche who is angry at everyone and everything and can't stop watching tv, who uses terrible sentence structure that is boring and trite. Yeah!



I was petitioned to answer that one question (by someone who seemingly didn't get the gag, or takes offense that I would make a gag out of simply not answering something) so I will do so now.

How come guys say they only want sex but get upset when that's all you give them? They want something more than just the physical act of having sex. It seems simply unmanly (or unbecoming) of a guy to want a relationship, but I feel that is ridiculous. The man probably wants to have sex that means more than just the intermingling of flesh for a momentary and fleeting piece of time, no matter how long you last. Sex with something behind it has a certain extra gravitas than doing it coldly. There is a heightened sense of satisfaction that not only are you having an orgasm, but you're doing it looking into the eyes of someone you care for, that you are both sharing this wonderful experience and that lifts the experience up on its own.

Or he's nuts.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Boys and Girls: Relations

I'll keep this short and sweet. Back in Boston, Thanksgiving was good, break was ok, kind of sick, no radio show, new blog. BAM SNAP WHOOO.

Real questions, real people, half-assed witty answers.

How come guys say they only want sex but get upset when that's all you give them? I...what? But.... Ok. Ok I'll get back to this one; too tough to start off with.

When you have sex, do you lose friendship? (We refer to it as "sexual backlash") God dammit do I wish I coined that phrase. And I can't steal it cause it would be read and I might see her on the street creating a Social Landmine(tm). You don't always lose friendship, but it sort of changes. You can't go through the most intimate of physical relations and just go back to drinking and making fun of kids on Guts! I would say not necessarily you would lose it, although it's certainly possible. You will certainly lose that dynamic that you had before sex, and I really don't believe you can ever get it back.

Do guys not understand that girls sometimes don't want to have feelings either? We most certainly believe that you "sometimes" don't want to have feelings either. Hell, we'd like it if you didn't want to have feelings. The problem is that "wanting" to not have feelings and actually NOT having feelings are two vastly different things. I want a million dollars, but that doesn't mean that I can compare apples and oranges. Or something like that. Girls intrinsically will have some emotional connection to the guy (or girl) that they are seeing. It's natural...and sometimes messy, but unavoidable either way. It's just a working hazard.

First date dinner: should a girl eat what she wants, or not let a guy see her pig-out? A girl who doesn't eat is a major turn-off for me. I'll sit and wonder, "why isn't she eating? does she have a disorder? does she have incredibly low self-esteem? is she depressed? oh shit, does she listen to Panic! or Brand New?" I like girls who eat, and I'm amazed at girls who eat more than me. I'm not going to say it's sexy--cause nothing about eating that much is sexy--but it definitely earns respect. No idea where this "being rail thin is attractive" idea came about, because most guys don't enjoy someone who could be broken in half with a flick in the rib cage.

does it worry a guy when his girlfriend tries to get in with his friends to the point that they could chill without him being there? It's cool to be in with the friends, so you don't have to split time before the two (angering both if the balance isn't pitch perfect), but there is a limit. If you're hanging out with the guy's friends without the guy being there, that's borderline replacement. This also runs the risk of never having a break from each other, which is a terrible, terrible thing. Everyone needs his or her space, and if someone asks for it, it's not a bad thing. It's natural, so don't take offense.

do guys like to take girls to "scary" movies because they actually want to see the movie or to scare the girl into closer proximity? For all parties involved, I really hope not. There has never been a time where I schemed what movie I would see with a girl specifically to get closer to her. If I picked a scary movie, I would see it just because I wanted to see a scary movie, girl be damned. Out of the many movies I've seen with girls, there have only been two that I didn't want to see going in (Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights and the Cinderella movie with Hilary Duff which I refused to pay for). Also, I almost never make out during a movie because I paid ten bucks to watch that movie; I can fool around in my car for free.

how does a girl know if a guy's out of a relationship long enough to not be a rebound girl There is no scientific equation to that one. The easiest answer is whether or not he leaves after a few days or weeks. Rebounding is a strange inexact situation that has no definitive end or beginning. I've known people who haven't been in a relationship for years, some that go directly into relationships in succession, and people who have balanced both. My guess is as good as yours, but usually when they stop talking about the other person out of spite and you're still there.

is a boyfriend flattered when his girl gets jealous or is it 100% turn off? It's simply odd. One girlfriend got incredibly uneasy and pissed when we were at a movie and someone in front of me just casually talked to me and bragged about where she went to school, which was considered flirting. It was bothersome because why would she be upset at something that I didn't even catch? I will say that I would also manufacture some jealousy, as I'd point out when girls were checking me out at the mall or elsewhere. In my mind, it made her appreciate that she has someone good on her arm, and also gave me a little boost of self-confidence. What I later found out (and is so clearly obvious now) is that is such a dirtbag thing to do. She was just jealous.....

what makes a girl clingy? Lots of texts or calls (especially when they aren't returned), ims that just don't stop, not having plans without the other person involved, making pet names far too early in the relationship (don't you dare call me “pookie” until the 3 month mark), not letting the other person breathe. We understand that you enjoy spending time with the other person, but they also enjoy spending time on their own without you: it's natural and healthy. Space space space space space.

How come guys say they only want sex but get upset when that's all you give them? Well, I've been thinking about it, and... Um...

if a guy really likes a girl, will he hold back physically? I don't hit'em til 4 weeks in. Lull them into a false sense of security. He will hold back so that the two of you can last longer. If your goal is simply to have sex, you'll either get it or you won't, and usually it will be in a manner unbecoming of a long-lasting relationship. If your goal is to be with the girl for a long period, you are more than likely not going to go straight for the belt buckle, lest you want to be known for "just wanting sex." Why is that so familiar?

should girls pay for themselves? No, never. It's a terrible situation, especially with this whole "equal rights" idea, but guys always are told to pay for the girl, hold the door open, etc. It's just the way things go. Personally, I have only once not paid (the aforementioned Duff movie). A lot of people split the bill, and that's good for them, but I can't do it. It's how I was raised.

what do you get a guy for valentines day? Oral. It's cheap and it's what we want on that god forsaken holiday. Every man hates Valentine's Day and is probably so pissed about getting just the right flowers or just the right jewelry that oral would probably be the best thing you could give.

Valentine's Day opens up to a whole different argument and that is the importance of girls showing off for guys. There is the accepted standard that the worst thing for a girl's self-esteem is a boy. We're so mean, so judgmental, throw around "slut" and "whore" as if they were going out of style. That is absolutely false. The worst enemy of a girl is another girl. There is no question. Some of the underhanded, dirty things I have seen a group of girl FRIENDS do to one another is shocking and offensive, specifically because it's either ignored or just "what girls do." Meanwhile, guys get the bad rap when we're just watching and putting down bets like at a cock fight (or like the crowd in Bloodsport).

Let's run through some important events for girls. Valentine's Day is not celebrated by males. We hate it. It's a stupid, made-up holiday that causes nothing but problems for everyone involved. It's the girl equivalent of "who's cock is larger." If you have a girlfriend, you aren't buying to make her happy, but to make her friends jealous. It is an elaborate contest set up by females to somehow judge their men. If you get your girlfriend a bouquet that isn't as pretty as Jenny's, you're a shitty boyfriend to your girlfriend, but most importantly to her friends.

Prom is another example. The girls could come in simple black dresses with little make up and some hair ties we wouldn't care. But, this is showing off to all of the other girls, so they have to get their hair done, nails painted, two weeks of tanning, and find the perfect dress. If, god forbid, another girl has a dress the same as theirs? The bitter resentment flies. Luckily, there are words like "slut" "whore" and "fat" to toss at the other girls, cause they can't look as good in that dress as you can!

how much do guys actually appreciate the small things? (such as cuddling/holding hands) They're nice and good, but we just don't harp on them like girls do. Holding hands for us just feels natural. For girls, it is the exact time, moment in conversation, method of holding, in what context, etc. We appreciate the small things, but we think of them simply as small things, not keys to understanding how the whole relationship works. Just because we don't want to cuddle one night does not mean that we want you out; we just don't want to cuddle. That is probably the bigger difference: not apprecation, but meaning.

why does my friends girlfriend consider me a threat because we play madden, like sports, and talk about history all the time?... it does not have to be those exact examples but it make me mad that she looks at me this way when i know she shouldnt For one, she doesn't seem to have much faith in the relationship. Also, she seems to be very uneasy with herself, thinking that she is lesser than other girls, silently questioning why he's with her. You're also bonding with him in a very organic way that she cannot get into. More so, she's jealous that you can so easily do something he does or takes an interest in (be it history or madden or anything) when she cannot. Whether or not you're trying to, you're doing the right steps to get yourself a man. You might think it's benign, but she might not see it that way - insecurity or not.

Ah, ladies and gentleman, we are almost up to the final post: sex. What, do you think I left that most interesting one last on purpose? Pfft. No. No way. Definitely, yes, yes I did.

Wait, there's one left? Lemme check here.... Oh. This one.

How come guys say they only want sex but get upset when that's all you give them? ...I got nothin.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Boys And Girls: Addendum to The Chase

File this one under "A Quick One While He's Away." I'm only hitting on this one comment because I think it would more easily be answered in its seperate banner than trying to cut it down to fit in Relations (coming sometime this weekend). The comment is from my dear friend Pam of my legit "sister site" Chickball:

While I'm set and reading this entry for its entertainment value more than anything, I'm pretty sure the average single girl will find your answer to "Where are all the good guys?? are they hidingggg?" unsatisfying. "I guess there aren't many out there," you say? Ugh. May I suggest a later blog entry that perhaps delves into this further, one that doesn't scream "YOUR SITUATION IS HOPELESS"?

And a note to the single/frustrated ladies out there: Venture off the BU campus and I guarantee your luck with guys will improve. And be patient.


I will give this one special treatment and hit on all the important points one at a time. I hope she enjoys getting singled out.

While I'm set and reading this entry for its entertainment value more than anything Braggart.

I'm pretty sure the average single girl will find your answer to "Where are all the good guys?? are they hidingggg?" unsatisfying. "I guess there aren't many out there," you say? Ugh. For all of those who didn't find the sarcasm all over that response, which goes on further to say "you're not alone" and "they already have girlfriends," well...it's sarcastic. I figured this one was more of a universal gripe that everyone already knew the answer to and I didn't really need to touch on it. Apparently I'm wrong.

May I suggest a later blog entry that perhaps delves into this further, one that doesn't scream "YOUR SITUATION IS HOPELESS"? Ok I was definitely wrong.

Everyone complains about not being able to find the right guy or girl at some time in their life. The most common reasoning is that there is something wrong with the pool. "Guys are too cocky" or "the girls are too bitchy," etc. etc. etc. It's never your problem, it's always their problem. For some reason, it seems like God has decided to thwart your every opportunity to get in a relationship, or heaven forbid some action, woe is me, woe is me. By the simple numbers of it, wouldn't one safely assume that if you're a girl and you're complaining about not finding the right guy that there are guys in a relatively close proximity who are thinking the same thing about your sex?

I firmly believe that two things get in the way of being happy: our ego and our drive. Our ego is the most important. No matter what anyone says or likes to believe, we're all shallow. Every single one of us. Looks are first above and beyond everything. Believe me, I'm not shaking my finger at anyone. There have been girls that I enjoy being around that I simply would not get with because I don't find them physically attractive. It's not their fault, really - it's mine. I can't look past the fact that I am not mature enough to look beyond the mere outside (mature enough or simply giving up, call it what you want).

One of my best friends is truly one of the best people I know. He's charismatic, he's hysterical, he's giving...he's pretty much what I try to be. His only problem is that his looks don't equal his heart. There is no chart or record of this, but he definitely has not gotten the attention that he should garner from the opposite sex, and it really frustrates me (let alone how he feels). He is everything a girl says that they want in a girl, so why doesn't he get the girl? Instead, he gets nothing. He's the friend, the one who you can talk to, the one who's the "great listener" (which is the worst compliment in the world).

You want to know where the great guys are? Right around you. Everywhere around you. Maybe you're too stuck in the woods to really see the trees, but we surround ourselves with great people. Your friends aren't your friends because they're attractive. Your friends are your friends because they're either really funny or giving or just outstanding individuals. I'm reading Chuck Klosterman and his first chapter in Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs is dedicated to the When Harry Met Sally syndrome of falling in love with your friends, or that every girl is looking for Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything. We want the perfect package, and if we can't find it, then we at least go for looks, cause like I said earlier, "you can't fuck a good sense of humor."

And a note to the single/frustrated ladies out there: Venture off the BU campus and I guarantee your luck with guys will improve. And be patient. I find this to be ridiculous. Guys are guys, no matter where they are. A good guy will be a good guy at BU, in Worcester, farming in Iowa. Genuinely good people radiate, and everyone knows who they are. Also, there are a lot of shit people everywhere, too. It's the usual lottery, and it has no bounds; be it town, state, or otherwise.

My home town had a strange relationship with our bitter rival, Emerson. We hated them in football, we hated them in basketball, we hated them because they simply existed. We'd call them skanky, Guidos, Seaside North, and so on until we were blue in the face. But we also teamed up with them to have one of the best wrestling programs in the state, which led to all these weird relationships. We always had a chip on our shoulder, but we'd always invite Emerson guys and girls over who were somehow more attractive. Same goes with people from other neighboring schools who just had this different aura about them. "Ooohhh they're different, but still go to the same Wendy's, so it's like the usual schmucks around here, just BETTER."

Our drive always wants us to get better partners, more partners, that there is always something greater down the road if we just keep looking. People don't stay in relationships because they're always looking down the line for the next big thing (hook-up, relationship, marriage). The same drive that keeps us moving upwards with science and technology is the same one that keeps us miserable when it comes to situations like this. "Where are all the good guys?" means that you've searched and found some people that just don't measure up. Measure up to what? The intangible perfect guy? There is a quote from High Fidelity that says he's tired of the fantasy, it doesn't exist.

So where does that leave us?

The term "settling down" startles me. What does that really entail? What are we settling for? It seems to me that this is more about giving up on the fantasy and sticking with whoever you can tolerate, giving up on finding the ideal and simply going with the person you're likely to strangle the least. Is that why marriages don't work, cause you just don't want to be alone so you "settle" for one person for the rest of your life? Is that what we get to look forward to?

So, back to the point. Where are all the good guys? They're everywhere, and you can't seem to find them until it's almost too late. Are we shallow and immature or give up later on? That question I cannot answer, nor will I be able to in five, ten, or twenty years from now. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to a hockey game and then a party where I will talk to a few friends with great personalities and try and get with the most attractive girl I can. It'll be fun talking to you before you do the same.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Boys and Girls: The Chase

You ever hear of the perfect storm? Wait, let me rephrase so I can say what I really mean. Have you seen the trailer or a commercial for The Perfect Storm? So you know what that is? I experienced one tonight. I got my History paper done at 11 PM (possibly a new record), I got a twelve pack of Blue Moon from my friend who just turned 21 and wanted me to post as her gift, and my screenplay isn't due til Wednesday. Therefore, there is a new blog.

There are some changes since the last one I posted oh so many days ago (2). First, the bold is not enough to differentiate between the question and the answer, so I'm going to underline it, too. I'm too good to you people. And no, I won't change the last post. Don't get greedy. Also, there are some questions about girls, and I just don't want to wait, so I'm throwing those in there. Finally, there is the first instance of shortening a question from about 20 lines to one. Truncate yourselves, people. Here we go....The Chase. No, that looks cooler like The Chase. Yeeeeaaaah.

Why dont guys always carry condoms??? Isnt it like a rule that they are supposed to always carry one in their wallet or something? This is a two-fold answer. First, I'm still not sure how cool it is to be caught with a condom, even in college. For some reason, people aren't comfortable with always being prepared, and you'll be called a "perv" simply beacuse you don't want "aids." So it goes. The other answer is that the heat from your body can actually weaken the condom and leave it susceptible to breaking. If the guy pulls a condom from his wallet, be wary. Also ask him why he does that, cause that's something only pervs do.

When you meet a girl, do you immediately categorize her as a "friend" or a "potential whatever"? I usually wait for her to open her mouth. If nothing of intelligence comes out, it's hard to keep her in the "friend" farm. Every now and then one slips through, and lands in the "endlessly pining" box. That's usually a long-term situation. To be honest, everyone (read: everyone) judges people physically first. How can you not? You have to be physically attracted before your interest is truly piqued. You can't have sex with his "humor" - you have to be attracted to something of substance. Before I even get the "not me," you're a liar. Or you're blind. And if you're blind, how the shit are you reading this? If it's one of those text reader things, have fun with this: lkasdfjoijasdfasdhahaurblindfhoasfoasifd oaps

What is your take on the 60/40 female/male ratio here (BU)? Is it easier to meet girls? Factoring in gay males, it's probably more like 60/30, leaving roughly two straight girls for every straight male. Is it easier? Of course, it's just sheer numbers. Meet does not a hook-up make, however.

Side story: I was at a party once and I was one of four males. Of those men, one was gay, one was too drunk to function, and one was heavily unattractive...and possibly 30 years of age (we did not check his ID to confirm this). I was questioned by three females, with "Are you an asshole? Are you preppy? Are you gay? Do you have a girlfriend? Are you nice?" I passed the test, and they were sort of shocked. It was nice. And that's where that story ends.

Where are all the good guys?? are they hidingggg? why do we only have assholes See above. You're not alone. I guess there aren't many out there. And no, I won't take this opportunity to point to myself. That would be ridiculous. Another answer: they are already dating someone, and you were just too late. Timing is everything.

Why do guys go for stupid girls or girls with little to no personality? Similar vein. It depends on the situation. If a guy wants to get with a hot chick for that night and then see them three days later on campus and awkwardly wave to them as they try to avert eye contact before they see that you acknowledged them so they begrudgingly lift their heads and force a smile, then he'll go for the chick with little to no personality. If he wants a girlfriend, clearly he is a masochist, or they just have a higher tolerance than me. You can't converse? I'm fine with extending the no-no streak.

What would you think if a girl asked you out on a date? Awesome. Well, that or "oh God how do I put 'no' in a way that isn't blunt and hurtful? Oh! How about, no...?"

How do you a show a girl you like her? a.k.a. what is "liking" and wat is just being friendly? I think this definitely is more about a girl, since they can really screw you up with the friend/more than a friend level than guys do. What is liking? When he makes a move that is incredibly obvious. We are usually not the most secretive of species. In fact, I think we can be read like a book by girls, but girls have a knack to over analyze everything. In fact, that's how you do it: Look at it as simply as possible. Girls have this preconceived complexity switch that scrutinizes every move and saying. If he didn't say hi to you on the street it is entirely possible that he just didn't see you, not that he hates you and might have killed your cat. Take it easy, girls, and just try and think simple. You always say we're simple minded, so pick up on your own disparaging generalization.

why do guys chase so hard but as soon as the girl shows interest he loses interest? You sort of answered your own question. Remember how I spoke earlier about competition? You are facing off against either yourself or your buddies (there might be money on the line) to see if you can get that girl. The point isn't whether or not you do, but if you can. It's a dumb, hurtful little game that always helps to boost that wounded ego.

To make a good first impression what are the most common lies a guy will tell? That they aren't married. I've never been a big liar. The most common lies are probably that they are or aren't involved. You can also say penis size, but if you're "lucky" you find out how big of a liar you really are, so I'm not sure who wins there. Everyone leaves disappointed. I would guess a common one (from one story) is when you're at a bar or something and you can lie about age, profession, and where you live and you can bag a mother of two (aged 10 and 7, I believe). You can do that. I don't know why, but you can. Come on everyone: let's shake our heads together.

What is the best way to catch a guys eye? As I was saying on my radio show, there is a fine line between hot and slutty. The best way to catch a guy's eye is to be dressed nicely, showcase your best assets, but leave more to the imagination. It's always best to leave us guessing, specifically cause we can always imagine something better when we go home alone. Bad ways to get attention:
*Yelling. Anything. Anytime. Especially while drunk.
*Smoking cigarettes. If you smoke a cigar, I'd probably just be confused more than turned off.
*Having a penis. Sadly, that's relative.
Not relative with me.
*Not respecting yourself. Stay classy, Whale's Vagina.

Why do guys ask for your number if they aren't going to call you? For one, it's just a trophy to show the other guys that you got digits. Another reason is that they are too shy, or don't know how to go about it. I am, lifetime, 1-for-1 on asking for a number and getting it. Her name was Patty, and I never called her. I didn't mean to be malicious, it's just that I was busy and I don't think the timing was right. ...Ok I was chicken shit and said I was busy when I really wasn't. I kind of liked ending that on top with a number than going after it and screwing up on the phone with my stutter or saying something wrong or going out and having it not work. This way, I end up with a small victory, and she is probably upset. But I'll never know, cause she doesn't have my number to tell me.

Do guys like to be teased? Sometimes. There is a fine line between "oh this is great" and "holy shit I want to punch you in the fucking face." There are certain things like a strip tease situation when yes, being teased is great. There are certain acts that if you tease too much might end up with an inadvertant eye injury. Pick and choose your times when applicable. For the rule, yes. This most certainly goes with girls, too, except there is a significant decrease in possible impalement injuries.

What does it mean when a guy tells a girl "when I really like a girl, I won't do anything with her" after he's been hooking up with her for 2 weeks? If I'm reading that correctly, that means "I want to hook up with you and that's all, and if that means that this has to end or we're dating, we're through." Basically, it's a bullshit cop-out that is supposed to lessen the sting. Here is one thing that I cannot stress enough: There is absolutely no way to end things with another person where they don't feel hurt. It's impossible. Don't lie, don't make up shit like above because all that does is lengthen the situation until you have the inevitable "JUST SAY IT! JUST SAY IT!" to deal with. Honesty is the best policy, even when there is no winner. Do try and have some bedside manner (not "I'm fucking someone else, beat it").

What is the acceptable time frame for calling/texting someone after getting their number? I say between twenty-four hours and three days. Outside of that frame I think it gets tricky because while you're going for the "I don't want them to think I'm desperate or want them too bad" you could be falling into the "No, Mike...the tall guy from the party...saturday...at 505...no, a beard...ye...YEAH! yeah! ...so what's up?" Just be careful and don't over do it. One text is more than enough. I don't want to know your god damn life story through mashing the 1-9 keys, and I don't want a time obligation while on the phone. My first girlfriend had some sort of mandate where couples talk on the phone for 40 minutes, so we would sit in silence with nothing to talk about until the 40-minute mark. It's terrible. Absolutely terrible.

How true is this "he's just not that into you" theory? Is it true that if a guy is interested in someone, he will always make every effort to be around her? Or are they ever shy and secretive about it? Depends on the people involved and the situation, which has been a common answer, but the correct one. If I'm really interested in pursuing a girl, I will try and involve her in my daily life, be it through texts, ims, meeting in person, etc. When I go after a girl, I'm usually blatantly obvious about it. It isn't something on purpose - the way I get girls isn't through looks, but interaction. I ride that comedy button as far as it is willing to carry me. Some guys will just pine from afar and you'll have no idea until you need that restraining order when you see him with binoculars and Jergens hand cream. On the rule, people want to be involved with people that they want to be around. If you're around someone enough, and both parties want it to happen, it has to mean something.

Why do guys lead girls on when they're not interested?_Why aren't most guys into monogamy? Remember how I said that we're simple creatures? We're also pretty oblivious. There have been a few times where I have led a girl on without even realizing it was going on. I think purposefully leading someone on is completely about serving your ego and is deplorable. You're playing with someone else's feelings in a deliberately cruel way. Just play Minesweeper with 100X100 boxes if you need to feel like an easy winner.

Most guys aren't into monogamy because like in the wild we are told to further the species with whomever we possibly can. That's the answer on its most base level. At somewhere like BU, where there are two girls for every year, the numbers are just too great to ignore. Why stay with one girl when you can experience so many different things with different people? Here's a question to ponder: would you rather have guys that aren't into monogamy or guys that lie about it and cheat? Things could be worse. There are a number of guys I know that would ideally rather be in a relationship. I guess they are all the good guys who have vanished with the stupid girls who are lacking in personality who are so prevalent.

so a friend just told me hand holding is a big deal-almost bigger than sex. is this true?! and why?! Wowie. Um...I would guess because sex could just be a one night stand while holding hands could lead to a relationship. What really was a shock to my system going to college is how trivialized sex becomes. When you grow up in high school your virginity is important, and you're taught to save yourself for someone special, and it takes some time to get into sex. Here, it's a definite possibility on a Friday or Saturday night, and could really be as meaningless as making out. It's always good when the most intimate act between two people can be as cold and emotionless as a handshake. Gotta love feeding that physical need.

Paraphrase: Why do girls say that they have a boyfriend when they don't? Or, why do they say they have a "thing?" Can't they properly qualify their relationships? First off, they're lying and don't want you. That's the most obvious option. If you keep pressing, you'll end up with the friend saying something along the lines of "no, it's like, REALLY serious," before giving way to "get the fuck away from me, creepo." Just take the hint and move on.

Girls also have a knack of overestimating what is going on. This is coupled with their complexity disease. I don't mean to generalize, but I have never been in a situation--or know a male in one--where he thinks they're committed but they are not. It falls once again on the female and her friends who will pick apart every trivial thing to try and solve this intricate puzzle of feelings, making out, and promise rings. Just be upfront and save the headaches. If you don't want to be dating, say to your partner, "I don't want to go out with anyone right now." If you are not sure, ask "are we dating?"

Final side track story: My freshman year, a group of sophomore girls were all huddled around one girl's computer giggling like they were in 8th grade again. Clearly I was confused. I was informed that there was a guy this one girl was waiting to im but didn't know how to break the ice. They were making up elaborate things such as, "oh hey just want to know what the sociology homework was...oh thanks...so hey what's up?" I suggested the crazy of idea of sending "hi, this is ____" and waiting for his response. It was like I said to im "Hey fuckface, eat a douchebag!" The point? Be up front. If you try some elaborate shit, you'll probably come off worse than just stating the obvious in an easy way. You won't be curt, or rude, and you might be walking in to some awkward situations, but isn't that better than waiting and dancing around the issue while your minions speculate away, filling your head with ridiculous thought tangents that lead you with "he has to have a child with someone else?" Keep it simple, people. It saves time...and lives.

Do girls use some guys as 'practice' for the guys they are really interested in? and if so, how do i know that when a girl hooks up with me, i'm not her 'practice' hookup? When she shows up on game day in your uniform.

Coming up next is Relations, cause we already tackled a lot of that tonight. I love built-in segues.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Boys and Girls: Boys - Etc.

I never expected this. Through the 92 (this is 93) posts on this blog, I've had some novel ideas that never really turned out as well as planned. Most of these plans revolved around feedback. What I've learned is that people aren't always forthcoming with ideas or comments to give back to the blog, when I desperately want to do a mailbag. This also ran congruent with my lack of being "Enlightening" in the big issues, as the title (almost) alludes to. For a while I've wanted to tackle questions about Boys and Girls, and figured that, while hovering around the century mark here, it would be a great time to do it.

The idea was to ask a few girl friends (that's always awkward to write, isn't it?) to share with me their gripes, grievances, and questions about the male in general. I assumed I'd get about 20 or 30 questions, at most, which were mostly congruent. This way, I could make one blog about the major points that they hit and move on to answering questions about girls from a man's perspective, which should be interesting, to say the least. Instead, I struck a nerve. I have upwards of 50 questions that range all over the place, from cuddling to Lindsay Lohan to cotton panties. Therefore, I will answer every question of relevance (sorry "why is mike anton so hot?" and "WHY ARE GUYS SO RETARDED?!") on this blog. After culling all of the questions together, there are four major sections to address: The Chase, Sex (both mindset and physical action), Relations, and Etc. To ease us in, Etc. will be first.

What is it with men and playing Madden? First off, it's a fantastic game to play based on what is arguably the biggest American sport. Also, we've sort of grown up with it. I remember playing Madden 94 way back on Sega Genesis when I was 8-years-old. The gameplay--for the most part--stays the same, giving it a great pick-up-and-play feel. I didn't play Madden 06 with its ridiculous "QB Vision" feature, but still managed to beat my friend Scott in the only game I've ever played with the game. It's a strange little comfort...and it's a shitload of fun to beat your friends in anything, which leads to....

What is so thrilling about making bets with your buddies? Competition runs through everything in nature, be it for food, mating, and video game dominance. Everyone wants to be the best, especially males. Betting makes it even better. It's not based on physical abilities as much as smarts and chance. I bet Alex that Rutgers would cover a +7 spread against Louisville because I figured their defense would at least keep it close. I was right, Rutgers won outright (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and I'm five dollars richer. Not only does this show that I know more than he does, but I get a solo cup at a kegger for knowing it.

War movies are cool? Ick. War movies are second only to sports movies as the male chick flick. Yes, I'm well aware how Coach Carter will end, but god dammit if I'm not moved by Sam Jackson's love for these messed up kids who will learn from being a team and not individuals!! ...Sorry. War movies are cool because they involve guns, death, and victory, something that (for whatever reason) we're all drawn to. I would guess it goes back to competition, but on a much more important scale: life or death. It's also such incredible human drama because the stakes are so high. Oh, and we can take blood and guts a lot better.

Is arranging your junk in front of ppl really necessary? You try walking around with that thing in between your legs, positioned dangerously close to a row of metal teeth, in a climate that most closely resembles a rain forest. It isn't fun. There is a double standard as well - we don't complain when girls blatantly go to adjust or itch a scratchy breast. No, it isn't about perversion ("just cause it's a boob"), it's just one of those foibles that we all go through and accept. We are also trying to keep things less socially awkward by adjusting erections, which come at a drop of a hat sometimes. So you're welcome.

Do guys feel bad if their girl has a nicer car than they do? I would assume that most gearheads would go nuts. If you can't relate to a girl based on an irrational jealously of an inanimate object, you don't deserve to get laid in the first place. Also - they probably have small penises, and no one likes that. No one. And the small penis carriers are quite aware of this fact. Sorry guys.

What makes the sight of a girl crying so awkward for men? The most basic dividing line between girls and guys is emotion vs. rational thought. Girls are quite emotional, with someone of them crying over situations that are so far removed from tear-worthy that it is downright shocking.

I have a theory that goes beyond the divide. Most of the time, when we were all younger, girls would cry because boys did it. Whether it is because we pushed you down, or called you a name, men mostly are the reason why girls cry. I had a girlfriend who I made cry weekly, and I didn't really do anything to warrant it. It's awkward because 1) we don't know how to deal with such a situation other than a few pats on the shoulder or a hug and 2) we think we're at fault and want to get the hell out of Dodge before yelling starts. It's a defense mechanism.

The Lindsay Lohan fascination. I don't get it. Jailbait is the easiest answer. It gets more apparent the older you get. "Holy shit, she looks like that and she's only 16?" leads to "why weren't girls that hot when I was that age?" It's the forbidden fruit syndrome. The fascination now is, "how the fuck did she go from goddess to rail?" We all are rallying for her to get back into Lo-Han form, and escape this Lo-En disaster. Jesus christ, eat girl, we'll all love you again!

What do guys think about a girl wearing their guy's clothes? Marking your territory without the whole urination thing. Unless you're into that stuff.

Do guys feel bad if a girl gets the guy a more expensive gift than he gets for her?/do guys feel bad if a girl has/makes more money then he does? This gets in to a whole conversation about social norms. Guys are the breadwinners, guys have to look after and take care of the girl, guys get the jobs, guys support. I don't care how much feminism you want to throw my way, this is how our society works. Do men like it? Fuck no. If I'm on a boat with my family, guess what? I'm going to die. I get to go down with the ship while the women and children go off. Fantastic. We have to ask girls out, we have to pay for them on dates, and when all is said and done, we're disposable because women are more important to furthering the species. It's tough.

Guys don't feel bad if they get better gifts. The problem is the friends. The worst enemy for a girl is other girls. For example, on prom, girls never dress up for their guy. They dress up to show up the other girls. You could show up in a plain black dress for all we care, but it's about females. If you receive a gift that's more expensive than the one you got her, you're going to get flack from the girl, driven directly by her friends. If you have a girl, you don't try and impress her - you impress who she hangs around with.

Do guys feel like they can't be scared in front of girls? Tricky question, since "scared" is pretty open-ended. You can't really help getting scared by someone jumping out at you, something no one likes. When a guy gets upset about getting a jump in front of a girl, you'd get the same reaction if he was with all of his guy friends. If you mean scared in a "we might not make it as boyfriend and girlfriend" situation, to a certain extent, yes. Goes back to the social norm of the strong, emotionless male. We're the cornerstone, the rock. You come crying to us. The very thing that guys always get flack for ("he's emotionally unavailable") is how we are brought up. And guess who primarily brings us up? Women. Their greatest fear is to have a mama's boy, so they make him strong and emotionally unavailable at times, and the vicious cycle starts anew.

Do guys actually read greeting cards that they give to their girl? Do I even have to answer this? Yes. We look at it, open, skim, buy, envelope, never think of it again. It isn't like girls are the only ones that get this treatment; it's anyone who gets a card. Girls have this sick pleasure of finding the perfect card, and then brag about what's inside to their friends. Men know that cards, of any sort, are always corny and dumb, so you just have to find one with the proper wording (not to a great-aunt) and the proper occasion (no bah mitzvahs) and we're set.

Next time, we delve into The Chase

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Boys and Girls: The Prelude

There was a time where I wrote on this blog about silly, trivial things like Captain Planet and the washing machines in my dorms going crazy. As time has moved forward, I have matured discussing love, family, and a depressing amount of death. Who knows how many posts ago I actually said it, but I decided that it was time to conquer bigger and better things. It was my job--nay, my born duty--to go after some of the most difficult questions that have plagued mankind for ever. No, I don't mean the trivial stuff like "where did we come from?" or "why am I here?" Those questions have no real answers, so why even bother to attempt? (Answers are: the sea and to keep reproducing.)

Almost Enlightening was a name that came about a few months or so into this blog existing. It was first called, "Dribbling Drivel," but I felt like I was directly ripping off Steve Martin a tad too much (his book of essays was titled Pure Drivel). The post count is hovering around 100, so I think it's time to tackle one of the most loaded, but constantly asked, questions of our or anytime: What's up with the opposite sex?

For too long I have heard complaints from either end about style, emotions, decision making, small actions, and so on and so forth. None of these problems are ever answered directly, but instead piled into a vast collection of "I don't get it." Here on this blog, I will attempt the unheard of: explain why these things happen.

This is an already difficult task on my own for many reasons (one of them is that I'm not female), so I'll need some help. Earlier, I texted a few girl friends to tell me what their biggest complaints/questions/befuddlements are in regards to men. Needless to say, it didn't take long to get a large amount of responses. Every question won't be answered directly, but I hope to explain the reasoning behind these problems to the best of my abilities.

Now, I turn to you. If you're a man and are confused as to why women watch chick flicks? Put it in the comments. If you're a girl and don't get why we just don't put the seat down? Put it in the comments. If you have too much for the comments, you can email here. This is your chance to get these things off of your chest...and then criticize me for my answers.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Action

The world does not like film students. Out of every single major offered at every single college, I cannot find one that is met with more disgust than being a film student. This happens for a few reasons. First off, we're going to head into a field with little to no hope of actually obtaining employment, let alone writing/directing/editing. Secondly, there are a lot of us who are elitist snobs, casting down from mountain high their wisdom that anything in wide release is worthless; the only way to view film is as an art and no one must see it. Finally, we are taking what was designed to be an entertainment medium and scrupulously analyze it, bit-by-bit, pissing off all of your friends who you go with. When you say, "that's horrible framing," you'll get a comment of "just shut the fuck up and watch it."

There is an almost innate longing to pick movies apart not because you want to, but because your view of movies is forever altered. I just watched Good Will Hunting and instead of discussing the scene where Matt Damon and Robin Williams have their first breakthrough discussion, I was telling my roommate Zack about how the director (Gus van Zant) is constantly toying with the 180 rule, even in the shot. This prompted a small but audible sigh from the other roommate Ben, who might not have even realized I get it. Ok, I'm sorry, it's just that I analyze these situations.

In screen writing class, we are learning all of the finer points of a script, such as how characters are developed, what a proper character arc is, etc. A lot of stuff that most of you couldn't care less about. The biggest lesson we are taught is to "show but not tell." This rule is to make the read more interesting. Instead of saying "Billy's estranged with his father and is sad about it," you would write some action like "Billy walks in to his Mom's house and stares at a picture of his family, before knocking the frame over and walking away." Show, but don't tell. You get the idea that something isn't right, which is much more interesting than the mother having a line of, "How long has it been since you shut your father out because he didn't support you enough?"

It is a problem to scrutinize in a theater, but what is it when you start to examine life just as thoroughly? There's a new movie coming out called Stranger Than Fiction where Will Ferrell's character is a character in a book being written by Emma Thompson's character. Will goes to Dustin Hoffman's character for advice, and he suggests trying to determine whether or not his life is a comedy or a drama (drama obviously having more propensity for an unhappy ending). I find myself asking the same questions.

If I make a comment about a couple of black guys in giant winter coats when it isn't that cold out crashing a party full of white people, and I say "well, that's odd," what does that say about me? Well, I could be a middle-to-upper class white suburban teenager who has no idea what it's like in the real world. I could very easily be so sheltered that I only understand what's on TV or in rap music and stereotype every black person as a criminal, a thief, a crook. Inherently I am racist, be it from my upbringing or otherwise, and I will always be this way. The first thought will always be negative.

Or

I could be a kid from Brooklyn who's seen one too many robberies in his life. He has a mother in Manhattan and a deadbeat father who can't take care of himself, let alone his teenage son, and sees both sides of the world as easily as flipping a coin. He runs with the wrong crowd when he has to, and he separates himself while eating dinner on the Upper West Side. But no matter where he is, he is always vigilant, keeping one eye out, because he doesn't want to be taken like his pal Brian did.

Or

He's just a dumb schmuck kid who was raised by a mother who was brought up when New York City was a cesspool. The place that we see characterized in movies now, go to Times Square, and think that it was all made up. It's the kind of upbringing where the city is a scary place until recently, and you're taught to protect yourself. Always carry your wallet in your front pocket unless you want to be mugged. Never take money out in public. Always stash some cash somewhere else on you, where it wouldn't be found (like your sock, you sickos), just in case. Maybe you have a nice amount of black friends, and you know stereotypes don't hold true all the time. Maybe you make a comment about your upbringing, about your perceived reality and how you're brought up, and you're looked at as a racist asshole.

The important thing when writing is to not worry about how your script is perceived. You cannot control what the audience reacts to. If they think a plot line is too disparate, that they don't understand how a kid could be selling drugs in 7th grade, that is not your fault. If they cannot grasp the abstract ideas or flowery language that is flying out of your character's mouth a mile a minute, it's not your fault. You have a story tell, and you tell it to the best of your abilities, and let them sort out the meaning. A lot of times, what you expected them to think never happens, what you put on the page doesn't translate to the screen. There are peices of dialogue that are inherently funny in a dark comedy that some people don't understand. Why are you laughing at a time like this? Have you no decency?

So what is my life, a comedy or a drama? It's the question that I posed but never answered. My script, my movie, my being is up to interpretation, obviously. But instead of scrutinizing everything ("is she ordering a plain hamburger because she's boring, or is it because she was never given choices while she grew up...oh god, did someone sexually abuse her?!") and make myself go crazy, I think it's time to sit back, get some popcorn, and laugh. I hear the first act is pretty funny, the second is full of melodrama that goes nowhere, and the third act is...well...a surprise.

But the acting sucks.

Monday, October 16, 2006

The Arctic Monkeys Rule

Racial profiling his hit the streets of Boston. Commonwealth Avenue, a main strip in Boston which contains mostly all of my campus, contains yet another instance of racial discrimination stemming only from one's color. Jewish kids are sent out into the gentile masses to try and smoke out their fellow Jews. How is this done? Simply by looking, they have to distinguish who they could pester and offer a corn stalk to. Why can they get away with racial profiling while no one else can, let alone in matters dealing with national security? If you read a white man wrote this blog before reading this, wouldn't you expect the classy, highbrow comedy you are currently enjoying (ps boobies lol). I'm not saying that racial profiling is wrong--in fact, in 98.5% of cases, it's 100% correct. Can't beat those numbers folks. In fact, we should do it more. It's as American as apple pie and silly race riots.

Also, using children to give things away on the street should be illegal. not because you are essentially whoring out children to do work that is meant for an adult, but because it isn't fair to those who pass by. You can't easily ignore and rudely walk past children who are shilling goods. I have no problem being Rick Rude to brainwashed 20-year-olds in an economic and political cult, but seeing devout Jewish children makes it harder. Mostly because they have a sad face, and I can't call them "douche bags," since they aren't old enough to understand that I just slighted their character.

Speaking of racial profiling, I was watching the GAS network on cable and enjoying the show GUTS, which pits 3 early-teens against one another in a battery of physical competitions, all culminating in a climb up the agro-crag, a large mountainous structure with paper Mache rocks and glitter. One of my friends back home (who I cannot remember) saw something very odd in how the kids are cast. I forget who it is, so I will claim complete credit for the idea. The blue kid is always a blonde, blue-eyed white male, red is a brunette white girl, and the purple child is always a minority, usually African-American with a fade (it was filmed in 1993 or so). They will sometimes switch it up - I've seen the All Aryan Challenge and I've seen these same kinds of kids with switched up colors as if we wouldn't pick up on their inherent racism. Doesn't matter though, as the black kid always wins anyway.

Geese do not step like Nazis. I'm shocked that they haven't sued based on descrimination yet. Do you think they were refused representations just because they are aquatic birds? Someone has to be outraged about this. But not me. I hate those dirty, lazy, no good Wingers.

For all of the hubbub about vampires recently, there is a fatal flaw in their attempt to take over the world. In documentaries such as Blade, Underworld, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, vampires (also referred to as "vamps") feed off of the living, killing their food source and also creating another vampire after the blood is sucked dry. This creates a mathematical formula that says that for every 1 vampire to live, 1 food source must die, and therefore 1 vampire--who compete for the same finite food source as the vampire that sired him or her--is created. Thus, each time a vampire feeds, it lessens the amount of available food by 200%, while also creating another competitor for a decreasing food supply. Vampires are evolutionary inept and act in a fashion that is completely detrimental to its own existence. Why do we worry? Eventually they will convert their entire food supply into competition and die off.

There is also the various vampire side effects that do not lend to a positive long-term plan for the creatures. If they walk into the sun, the universal life force for all things on Earth, they die. They can only use the planet for half of the day. That is just wasteful. If they happen to walk by a vegetable aisle during the day, they can have their skin burnt if they mistake garlic for onions. Vampires are simply not built to last; they are a flash in the proverbial pan. The same goes for zombies, whose thirst for human brains will eventually lead to their downfall. Werewolves, on the other hand, are simply animals, and therefore scare the bejesus out of me.

Atmosphere has a song called "I'm Always Coming Back Home To You," and in point of the song, Slug--the MC-- says, "It was a .38, the poor man's machete." Isn't that poor man's machete a butter knife or something? I don't think you can say something is a poor man's anything if it is in fact more costly than what you are comparing it to. He should be shot with a poor man's Nerf gun.

I have coined a new term, to go with Unknowing Asshole and my bread and butter, That Guy (which I didn't create, but will ride to money on that train): Social Landmine. Today I was walking through the street and saw a girl who, in passing, politely smiled hello to me. It took a second to remember who she was. Ah yes, she was the one who was rubbing and groping me while everyone was all wasty-waste on Friday night. Faaaaantastic. I have realized now that, especially after this weekend, there are tiny little explosions waiting to take me down, and there is no way that I can track them. At any moment, I could step on...a Social Landmine(c).

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Venom

I absolutely adore my readers. This blog started out as nothing more than a vehicle for me to keep writing, to hone my skills, and to generally get my own feelings and emotions out (writing has always been a catharsis). Of course, I'm also sort of self-centered--blame the only child syndrome--so I'd nudge different people to check it out. Over time it has snowballed to have a great deal of readers, more than I could ever imagine. Hell, people I don't know check this out. I've been told that I help them to voice different feelings that they had, and that in some small way it might help them deal with their problems.

Such an issue was discussed in the previous post, entitled, "In Rumination." While in the shower, I thought about how great things have been in Boston, and naturally looked back to New Jersey, and one of the more emotionally taxing moments of my life, the break up with my then girlfriend. It has been a theme I have discussed for the past 6 or so months since it has happened, mostly because I write what's on my mind. Obviously, it's been hovering around up there. These posts were not meant to win her back, to slight her in any way, or to bring attention to myself for a pity party. I know a lot of friends who have gone through similar situations, including one who was going through a messy break up around the same time as I was, and felt that it would be read and if not appreciated, then understood. If you want to write something for people to read, having it be relatable is a very easy way to get that accomplished. Those posts can be found in chronological order, from break up to reaction to pathetic depression and finally to a reflection on the events.

I do have a certain responsibility with this blog, since I do write about myself, and there are a lot of other people in my life that get written up here. I understand that there is a certain amount of professionalism in this sophomoric production I run, and try to uphold it as best as I can. Over the last year plus, I believe I have done a good job with it. Once, I had to write a disclaimer, which I refuse to write again (hence my pretty little link). I'm a selfish bloke - this blog is about me, my thoughts, and is first and foremost about me. If you no one ever read it again, it would continue, much like it would right now. Although I'm sure I'd throw in more ethnic jokes.

What brings this on, you ask yourself? Well, I came home from my 6:30-9 hell of a discussion (we talk about a single French film for two and a half yours) to see that I got a comment on the blog. What I see is this: wow.. thats touching NOT.. i feel there is no need to post your and your partners sex life on this blog. it's rude and you should consider the other person feelings, and NO this is not her. I encourage people to leave me comments (to the point where it's pleading and thoroughly embarrassing for everyone involved), but every now and then there is a special comment that raises my ire. I have absolutely no problem with someone not liking my stuff, but this crosses a few lines. Let's break this down, shall we?

wow.. thats touching NOT
Your grammar skills are in serious need of help. "Wow...that's touching...NOT," while being incredibly juvenile and ridiculous in any manner of conversation is at least now in some semblance of proper English. Right off the bat, we know it’s a high school girl. Also, are you ripping off Borat? For the record, a good number of people said it was touching, so you're totally rite...NOT

i feel there is no need to post your and your partners sex life on this blog.
Do I even need to hit on the grammar again? I hope your and your teacher's plans involve comprehension of the English language. I try, so should you, dammit. This part surprised me more than anything, since I thought the comment was about one of the various other stories that go into almost horrifying detail of my sexual life (you can find them pretty easily on here - my newly ordained "friends" here at BU did and read the story aloud to anyone walking by our Student Union). This was shallow, intentionally. I went into no sexual details. If you think the throwaway humor at the end to break up how serious the post was from my normal writings was going too far, well, you should have seen what I had before I toned it down. I do think it's cute that he or she (she) tried to make themselves look more intelligent by wording it like he or she (she) did.

it's rude and you should consider the other person feelings, and NO this is not her.
An apostrophe! Goodness. What does the other person feelings have to do with this? She once loved me? What, is she offended by this? I'm ever so sorry other person for simply relaying facts on my blog. You have my sincerest apologies. What is being rude about the situation? Hell, I thought I was being poignant, not puckish. I enjoy the emphasis on the no, which really just makes it look like it is the other person writings.

I could really care less who wrote this stanza that makes 50 Cent look like Billy Shakespeare. The issue here is a very simple one: if you don't like it, don't read it, stupid. It's very easy to do. Here are a few tips: when on a computer, don't go to kingmanton.blogspot.com. It won't sneak up on you in the night, or be sprawled across the Garden State Parkway as you pass in your car, nor is it on your Summer Reading list. Don't come back. I don't want you here. You probably need a dictionary to understand that I just called you ignorant for 300 or so words. Take your little crusade to someone who really would be hurt.

And thank you very much for giving me something to write about! I enjoy it when a gift is handed to me and little effort is needed. You lucky people will be getting another post that would be in BU's The Source weekly newspaper, if it exists still....

Monday, October 09, 2006

A Rumination

I don't necessarily miss her. No, for all intents and purposes the "her" isn't merely as important as the "what." She is not disposable--not by any means--but she is merely the carrier, the conductor through which feelings and emotion are pumped. Relatively speaking, I loved the vessel while I was really in love with the meaning. I don't miss her eyes, their shape, their color, nearly as much as I miss what shined through them. While she was peering into me, she didn't know how that same mechanism left her open to be viewed as well. I miss what shined behind the retina, a look of trust, of care, of satisfaction. I don't miss her body nearly as much as I miss how it would curl up on mine, giving her an heir of protection while giving myself an heir of invincibility. She knew she was safe, and I knew nothing could harm her because I was there. I don't miss our conversations, as the words usually were trite or coated in more cheese than The Notebook. What lingers on is the sincerity in those words. The words "I love you" can be uttered by anyone for any reason, but not with the same passion and vigor that she said them with. I miss the sincerity behind those words. I don't miss the sex...well.... Ok, there are always exceptions to the rules. What do I miss, however, is what it stood for. No longer was it an arbitrary joining of two people in a sustained (for however long) act of mutual selfishness, a temporary physical addiction fed, but the very material of feeling. I miss the palpability of love. Most of all, I miss the "us against the world" philosophy, no matter how false it was. We were together, and nothing could break us apart, not from the sky, the clouds, the ground, anything. For some fleeting moments in time, we were an impenetrable fortress. I miss the security, the false sense of unending continuity, how the term "forever" could be so skewed beyond any rational thought would allow, but you let it slide. I miss believing in miracles. No longer do I miss her, but everything that came with her.

...and the effortless sex. That's definitely a biggie.