Monday, December 19, 2005

Productivity is for losers

It's 2:36 AM, and I have a test in 6 and a half hours on the subject I really understand the least, natural science. Instead of studying the Krebs cycle one more time and understanding its relationship to glycolosis (yeah 2 pyruvate!), or bitching about how I don't need to know this shit since I'm a FILM MAJOR, I'm going to post some random thoughts that have been in my head for a week or two now.

The NAACP, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is inherently detrimental to its own cause. How can they advance if they are still using a term as old as Colored People? Haven't they upgraded themselves to African-Americans (even though most have never been to Africa)? Maybe it's for standing by traditions, or nostalgia, or maybe they don't want to be known as NAAAA.

Scantron paper simply cannot be erased. I'm not sure what technology they use to eradicate removing marks from any number 2 pencil using any eraser, but god damn, it's flawless. I had a final on Friday where I wrote the incorrect answer, tried to erase it, and ended up making it .1% lighter. Of course, I freak out because the all-powerful machine, while being able to correct a thousand tests, can't differentiate between shades of correctness. Later on, I skipped one question, writing down 3 wrong answers. I tried to erase them, I really did, but the results have left me thinking I automatically got three wrong. One erasing job was simply impossible to get rid of, and since I thought the answer was the same as the giant, not-going-anywhere mark, I left it as is. The next answer was erased in a lovely streak fashion, taking up B, C, and D; I did not attempt to make a correct answer. The last one became a tiny bit lighter, so I made the answer I wanted to choose darker than the night to ensure that the machine would know THAT was my final answer. The machine will still cyber-laugh and mark it wrong. Technology is a pain in the ass sometimes.

But then again, sometimes it's amazing. Has anyone thought of who made the tissue box where there is one tissue conveniently waiting to be plucked out of the box, ready to sacrifice itself so that your nose isn't as full of goo? Allow me to overshadow that valiant act for a second and center on how easy and helpful the tissue box set up is - there's always one waiting. Unless the box runs out or the tissue doesn't catch, and then we bitch and moan, completely forgetting about the luxury that box affords us 95% of the time. We are all selfish assholes.

I don't understand why Under Armour is expanding its line to other things outside of clothing to be worn by angry, yelling black men (as referenced by the house-protecting commercials). Why does one want an Under Armour gym bag? Do we really care if the contents inside the bag stay toasty warm or free of sweat? More importantly, will the back pack be skin tight to my shoulders and make me look jacked? Actually, will it make me look like the rail-thin, uber-pansy that I try and mask with loose-fitting clothes? If so, fuck that.

Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that according to Campbell's Chunky Soup commericals, Donovan McNabb has had about 4 moms? Is there some sort of controversy? A womb confusion? A squabble for money? I would like someone to get to the bottom of this, and I'm sure a very confused Donovan would, too.

If the q-tip is as bad as everyone says it is - why do they still make it? Wouldn't someone in the medical community have called the factory up and let them in on the secret? Or, there is a secret pact with Ear, Nose and Throat doctors and the Q-Tip company to get a kick back when people go in to get their ears cleaned out. People use q-tips thinking they are cleaning their ears but in reality they are just jamming the wax in deeper and deeper until it hits brain tissue. I smell conspiracy...and a built up of wax. Wait, does wax smell?

Finally, I hate the term "try something new" because no one ever tries something new. Everyone does something that someone else has done but passes it off as being new because what, they themselves haven't done it? I haven't swam with the mighty dolphin, but a shitload of people have. Therefore, if I were to try it, I would be trying something that is really old hat to anyone who has visited Sea World, or one of those beautiful resorts surrounded by crime and poverty. I suggest that the next time someone tries something new, actually go for it. Here are some examples:

Brush your teeth with Icy Hot
Eat a best-selling novel
Make out with a barnyard animal (I think I've seen videos of this already, though)
Drink orange juice with pulp and enjoy it, saying "man, all of this shit that is built up on my teeth right now actually makes the process of drinking a liquid so much more enjoyable!"
Skateboard on ice
Sleep with a penguin (not have sex with it, you sickos, just...cuddle, ya know, until lulled to sleep)

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