Friday, December 09, 2005

Fuck Boston

This city should go straight to hell. This anomaly of scientific weather patters can eat my balls. How the fuck can there be 7 inches of snow in Jersey, which, closest, is 200+ miles away, while in the NORTHEASTERN city of Boston it's 37 degrees and there can be no snow? No rational person could explain this. No one!

No one could explain why how, inexplicably, the first snowfall we got, that at least somewhat stuck, was on October 29th. Two days later, it was 65 degrees out. How does this happen? Is there some sort of curse from the Puritans? Wasn't it enough that Boston decided to preserve the paths for horse-and-buggies and consider using them for their modern, paved streets, causing the complete clusterfuck which is Kenmore Square (that's all true people)? Haven't we done enough to appease God to close liquor stores at 10, and close bars at 2? Isn't it enough that my local CVS in bumblefuck New Jersey is open 24 hours, as well as the Dunkin' Donuts/Baskin Robins, but nothing here stays open past 12?

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM US?!?! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN BOSTON WITH THIS WEATHER!!?!

I can't even relish in the fact that God sorta likes this area by bestowing upon them Curt Schilling or having the Pats win 3 out of 4 years. That has to be the trade off; championships for shitty weather. Everyone, please, give your rings back, because I'm tired in living in Day After Tomorrow land.

Today it was supposed to snow somewhere between 3-9 inches, probably nothing longer than the average penis (6"). I can take a penisload of snow...that really didn't come out how I imagined it would. Anyway, that's not a lot of snow, as last year had the most amount of snow in recorded history for Boston. Six inches? Bitch please.

Here's the problem. The ground wasn't cold enough for the snow to stick, so instead we have an accumulation of slush that ranges from 2 inches to around 8, to about a foot and a half in giant puddles. Boston, for whatever god forsaken reason, doesn't really believe in what we civilized people refer to as a "draining system." No, these backward-ass fucks believe that the sun will come and naturally evaporate the water in minutes, thereby dissolving the problem with minimal work done (the Boston way - look at the 20 years strong Big Dig...that's still not fucking finished). Oh wait, I forgot, YOU DON'T SEE THE SUN FOR WEEKS AT A TIME. Whoops! There's a monkeywrench in the works.

Instead, the city has plows and BU has snowblowers for these types of situations. Problem: there is no way to have a snowblower move out slush. It's impossible. It would be easier to find a gentile in Newton than to try and move water with a rapidly-moving fan-thing. So now we have 20 idiots trying to do the impossible, having no effect, but continuing to plow because that's what they're paid to do.

Even better, because of the lack of drainage, there are GIANT puddles that are easily twelve feet by eight feet, about every 400 feet or so, and are completely unavoidable. Throw that in with the fact that some are in the middle of traffic zones, which makes you prey to the worst drivers in the world in conditions that could hinder their braking systems in their vehicles that weigh at least a ton. It feels like I'm walking in one of the final levels of Super Mario, having to traverse all of those obstacles just to get to Bowser and learn that my princess is in another castle from a fidget with a giant mushroom hat on. Except this time, all I get is shoes that each gained 7 points because of water logging, pants that are wet up to my knee, and a general malaise with the city I currently live in.

Even better, I get another 4 months of this, as spring doesn't start until late April if you're lucky, and another two years of winters like this. How do I stop it? This July, I say we utterly destory Boston and start over. If they can fly away to distant Iraq and Afghanistan to do it, this should be a walk in the fucking park. Set up a grid system of streets, a proper system for draining rain and snow, and throw up a giant uv lamp so it at least gives us the impression that there's a sun, and that God hasn't shunned us after all.

I hate this fucking place.

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