Friday, November 25, 2005

Introspective nonsense

It's time to kick up the coldplay folks because it's time for Michael P. to get introspective and contemplative just hours after the end of Thanksgiving. The turkey and sides have already been processed and I'm starving again, and after seeing Rent with Haley (my girlfriend...although I'm sure that's redundant to all of you) I just started to think. Oh, and the movie kinda sucks because Chris Columbus is the worst director ever and shouldn't be allowed by a camera ever again, the boring fuck with clicheed shots (oh my god something that isn't expected is happening let's do the first dutch angle/move the camera askew show in the entire flick to make it jarring and dumb looking because Mimi is dying!!! Fucking douchebag).

You never know the full effect you have on people, and you almost never know the effect that others have on you. Today was Thanksgiving, and it was the annual football game where classes that have graduated come together for a big ole' awkward lovefest (much like what I talked about below). I told people both in high school and out that I'd be coming, but after a late night and little sleep...I hit the snooze button. Thinking nothing of it, I texted Haley and told her I wasn't coming, figuring she was the only one who would even mind. Over the course of the day an im or two came and a call was phoned in asking about my whereabouts.

This certainly is not a popularity contest (3 people - wow) but I never thought missing a football game could get a person upset enough to voice their displeasure at me about it. Hell, a kid who isn't even in the high school imed me and asked why I wasn't at the play, and that he was confused as to why I wasn't there. Coldly, I've told my folks that it's because I've moved on, left this town behind, and it can go fuck itself with the nearest Woodcliff Lake. Now, I see that through living here for 19 years, I left some sort of a mark, be it large or small, on some people. There is an imprint that I left and even seeing me for a tiny bit of time would make it feel like the old days, or the good times, or just because hey, I'm a snazzy kinda guy.

That's all self-serving, I know, but I realized this because of the mark left on me by my friends. I contended that the only reason I came back to Park Ridge was for Haley - not family or friends or my dog, as Kevin had suggested. Almost reluctantly I return to the same room with the same walls that I grew up alongside of, simply because I get to see the one person that makes me happiest. I trudge through a dinner with my family and sometimes ignore my friends completely, because they haven't changed and things are still the same as they always were and it's horse shit. I've moved on - why haven't they?

I talk to Blood and he tells me about a party at the Rogers, the old stomping grounds, what was the idealized setting for my last point literally materializing in front of my face. I have to go, if for nothing else then to revel in the fact that I'm right. My friends, however, don't read this fucking thing (very supportive, huh?) and don't understand how important that party full of awkwardness is. Jassim said, "it's just I don't like...people." All I wanted to do was yell "WELL THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT LETS' GO!!!" We instead, however, crammed into my car and drove to some weird part of our town and smoked up.

We didn't do anything really. We sat and talked and smoked before going to Wendy's. It's so stereotypical, and stupid, and childish, and sophomoric...but I got to hear Russell say the most ridiculous shit, have Heller outright lie again, have Blood throw tennis balls at me for no good reason from the backseat and then blame Heller (and get away with it) while Meyer and Jassim ran commentary. I needed that experience more than I could imagine.

There isn't a lot of time to fuck around on this planet. Maybe this is the movie with about 18009823 people having HIV or AIDS talking, or just from experience. There are moments that come and go in our lifetime that could be so minute but mean so much. A girl in front of Haley and I at the movie was apparently "hitting on me" because she ate a Twizzlers in a somewhat seductive manner that I didn't even see. It was enough, though, to make Haley a tad upset. Later on during the movie, a simple head-tap and a smile made everything ok.

The big actions effect you just as much. From countless numbers of people dying, be it too early or otherwise, to the simple act of housing. What can you say when your house is knocked down for a new one, a better one, a bigger one that you can share with a new family...but you knock down a part of your Mom as well? It's wood and plaster and it's absolutely nothing; it's thanksgiving dinners and kisses and everything. All it is is a place to live, all it will ever be is the center of almost every memory, and it's going to go down....

I'm thankful for everything I have. I'm thankful for my parents, one of whom decided that they would out me as a spoiled brat in front of my extended family during dinner. I'm thankful that they spoil me and wish I wouldn't have the stigma of being a spoiled little bitch (I'm also thankful for my many dvds and cds and any other form of shiney plastic I own and love so dear). I'm thankful for my friends who by doing nothing have grounded me and made me realize that I'm growing up too soon already, and there is no need to speed up the process. I'm thankful for Kevin's post because as stupid as my dog is, I did miss her. I'm so thankful that people read this and complement me about it, because I'll never say I want attention, but fuck do I crave it. Thanks to everyone who reads this and can stomach my bitching, selfishness, etc. because I need a place to escape and vent, and you help a lot.

I'd do the thankful for the girlfriend, but, I already have one of those posts and I'm not libel to do that shit again. That's done in private. With 3 locked doors. And a sound proof room.

Hope your thanksgiving was great. If you have any interesting stories or comments by all means leave a comment. Leave your name too, Meg, because I know who reads this thing and signing it "ridger" ain't gonna cut it.


MEG lol said...

Alright Manton u caught me lol...i didnt know if ud remember me and it doesnt matter much either way so i didnt care what i put as my name. Reality? i love what u write and the style in which u do. Busted lol...keep writing ill keep readingg...

ard said...

It looks like Anton has grown up. Strange thing, eh?

I've had that same deal as you. I left and that's it. Now I no longer really feel at home in PR. It's just a place I go when i'm not at Marist. My friends aren't particularly worth seeing and my enemies have seemingly evaporated (not like I had many enemies, anyway).

Well, send me an IM some time over winter break. It'd be interesting to talk to you again after your transformation. I want to see this transformanton in person.