Monday, October 17, 2005

Some random thoughts suitable for 2:30 AM

I'm just going to throw some shit out here:

Captain Planet was easily the worst tv show ever created (and yes, I did see That 80's Show). The premise was stupid, and was a horrible ploy to get people interested in the most boring topic ever: saving the environment. Ever see Furngully? Yeah, my point exactly. Environmentally conscious themes and animation - bad news. I also didn't even realize that this was the first "politically correct rainbow of diversity because everyone is neat and keen!" show either.

Here we have a skateboarding white guy (red head - Irish), the incredibly African guy (with Run-DMC gold chains), the Indian (with...a monkey - will avoid the obvious racial joke here), the Asian girl, and the Swede chick (cause Eastern Block chicks are banging). They all can work together and form...a freaky looking blue guy with a horrible green mullet !!! My biggest problem with this piece of shit is that the one white American had a fire ring, and never used it. Simply burn all of the polluters and litter bugs and the show is over in 3 episodes. Wusses - want to save the rain forest but do it by arresting them and calling federal agencies. Make me sick.

The only good thing that came out of that show was "when our powers combine," which everyone in our generation uses ALMOST as much as the infamous "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...SCARED ZACK!" from Saved By The Bell. If you don't know which scene that is, you obviously had no childhood.

Have you seen the commercials for the ultra-slick and great looking HDTVs? Can someone explain to me how this is a good idea? If my tv is incredibly shitty compared to HDTV standards, and that the graphics and resolution can't even compare to HDTV, why do I keep showing (simulated) screens on said tvs that my currect picturetube could NEVER show? It's like trying to sell 5.1 surround sound through the mono speaker on your radio - it just doesn't make sense.

There is nothing more irritating than improper use of an elevator. If you live in a dorm that is plus-6 stories, you will understand what I'm talking about. Obviously every facility has stairs, but for some weird reason, people on floors 2 and 3 don't understand this concept. How much do you want to just kick these assholes out of the elevator when you hit "6" and they hit "3?" There are only certain accepted ways that you can hop on the elevator if you're going to floors 2 or 3:

-With laundry
-With food
-With other bags (be them working out or shopping, backpacks do NOT count)
-If injured: crutches, wheelchair, that funny lookin' boot they give people with foot problems

Maybe you'll ask me about the grossly obese, and say "Hey Michael P, why can't you include them?" Maybe they wouldn't way 300 pounds if they would do all of the simple excercises, like climb TWO flights of stairs, probably to their lair full of comfort foot to forget when Daddy said they were the worst accident since Exxon Valdez, except that needed less clean up than you after a meal at Taco Bell.

How utterly worthless is the golden dollar? I went to purchase stamps, got lost and scared, and turned to a vending machine for my 20 stamps for $7.40. Only having a 20 on me, I figure it's going to be a quick, efficient, and all-around satisfying exchange between myself and this machine, leaving me with some much-needed stamps, and a few new, crisp dollar bills.

You can see this one coming can't ya?

Out comes the stamps and then a whooole lot of change. It reminded me a lot of when you're down the shore (yeah jersey) or at an arcade (fuck you other non-jersey people who didn't get my reference and thus have to make a secondary reference) and you win on the slots, and all you get are worthless coins where 500 of those disease-ridden pieces of scrap metal can net you 17 parachute guys? Same sort of feeling when I have 12 Susan B's and Sacagawea staring back at me, as if saying, "yup, we're pretty god damn worthless, too!" And no, the irony is not lost on me that the only time we honor a Native American through our government is on some sort of currency to be used at Foxwoods and Mohegan Suns of the world.

We in America are real stubborn bastards, aren't we? Europeans have been using dollar coins for many, many years, but we refuse to subject ourselves to currency that is worth picking up after we drop it unless it's in paper form. The 2 dollar bill was equivalent to that of the two dollar coin or the two dollar paper money Franc, but we hated that (especially now since it was French, but we let them go on the whole Statue of Liberty thing, as if it was chiseled in Brooklyn).

The metric system is the easiest, most scientifically helpful way to measure things, but fuck that. It was always fun in class when we would have to learn about pints and gallons and cups and the ratios between at the same time as learning the super-easy metric system. No one ever bitched about the all-american idiocy of our measuring practices, but god damn did we loathe the metric system ("it's all in meters, but then what's a meter really? Fuck this this shit is dumb, I'm going to go and buy 3 bushels and 5 cups of dog shit to throw at Europeans because of this!").

My favorite is the new problem of a language barrier, as if we're the first ones to have to go through with this. We feel the need to push English on the rest of the world, making in the official language of...Earth, but we can't STAND having to deal with Spanish being an option when you have to call up Cingular because they charged you long distance on every phone call you made (trust me, it's possible, and the bill was for 224 dollars). Countries all over Europe have two or three national languages that co-exist. Hell, Russia has over 100 different nationalities, but do you hear them bitching? No, they're too scared of the Great Purge II to ever talk bad about holy mother Russia and their exhaulted Pooty-Poot.

What I hear the most of is that "my great grandpa came from Italy and he HAD to learn English and he WANTED to learn American customs!" which is why we all eat pasta and pizza at least once a week. Ok. And we all didn't become drunks because of the Irish being here. Everyone brought over a piece of their culture, and you can't tell me you don't walk the streets of a city and hear any number of different languages. Take a trip to Chintatown and be horribly confused and scared when English gets sucked away like you're in a black fucking hole. Maybe we just hate Mexicans.

Hey, did you see a Mexican trying to save the world with the other Planeteers? Exactly. We're just bred to hate them from bitch. Fucking litterers.

Or to our Spanish-speaking readers, litterers de mierda.

(If that's wrong I took french in high school and used the translating widget on my mac osx. It's pretty sweet. 見なさいか。それは支配する!)

1 comment:

Pam said...

Hey, at least Captain Planet had a cool theme song...