Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Writing stinks

Do you, simple readers, understand how hard it is to write something? Well, no, let me rephrase that.... Do you guys know how hard it is to write something of quality? Just out of the blue, find a topic, make it sound good, and put it on paper for others to read and enjoy?

I know because I tried my damndest to write an 800 word column, one of 3 necessary to get a job as an op-ed columnist at the school paper, the Daily Free Press. Here is the abortion that I came up with. I'm embarassed and ashamed at how terrible this is, considering I'm supposed to be a writer. Ugh. Anyway, here goes...

There are few things worse than the iPod earbuds. I think that if one could make a list of things that are evil in this world, it would and somewhere between colon cancer and Saddam Hussein. One could argue that nuclear annihilation could ruin a day just as well as putting those flotation devices deep into your inner ear, but I would have to disagree because at least you would die instantly.
Well, there is that whole slow death by radiation thing…. Now if that poor fellow was listening to Vertigo while spinning around on his click wheel when the bombs were dropping and the nuclear dawn was approaching, well, I pity that poor soul. If there is a God, He/She/It must have really hated that person.
The real problem with the earbuds is not that they come standard, because anyone can go out and find a pair of headphones or ear pieces that fit comfortably into one’s ear. The real problem is that Apple found out a way to make it cool to wear them around. Any walk down Com Ave and you will see at least some person with those white strings of cruelty hanging from their ears down into their body. Take a closer look at that person, and you might just see a tear coming from behind their 2-feet-tall sunglasses.
Pain is beauty.
Are we just a culture that would do something that looks cool and put our own safety on the line? We all had Tomogatchis, and all they did were eat a bit, move slightly from left to right to show it wasn’t dead, poop, and then die in a week. The emotional strain was so bad, in fact, that my sensible mother wouldn’t let me play with them, for seeing that 8-pixeled baby die would be too much for my li’l emotions.
I could also be a big baby….
Does anyone remember snap bracelets? Did those things ever work as anyone planned? They were also recalled since they would dig deep into a little girl’s skin and not let go, like wearing a plastic cobra.
How many toys are recalled every year for the horrible things that they do to kids? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle car would shoot small pizzas with what could only be described with laser vision right into your eye socket. Creepy Crawlers should have come with their own Bone-Chilling Burn Unit and Tickle Me Elmo conditioned kids that inappropriate touching was ok, leading to countless repressed memories from Uncle Bill.
Remember kids, if your Uncle says you’re a Sesame Street character, just say no.
Violence certainly sells, much to the chagrin of parent groups. Grand Theft Auto is great because you can kill, well, anyone you so want to, Mortal Kombat had more blood than an early Peter Jackson movie, and let’s not forget all of the ducks we destroyed Duck Hunt (unless you did skeet shooting, you wimp).

Some questions you could ask: does this article has a point? No, not really. What was I trying to get at? Obviously what I was getting at was that writing is hard.

Thesis statement made and repeated. Boo yah.


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